♥ Wednesday, April 09, 2008
I was taught how transient happiness really is today.
I was sooo blissed and euphoric during school today but everything collapsed bit by bit during band...
Yet, my good mood and my moroseness were all caused by the same person. Yes, the person whose name has 45 definitions in the dictionary.
Today, during recess, he asked me if I would like to have breakfast with him and some other band juniors on Saturday morning. Naturally, I was very high and I just kept thinking how surreal the whole thing was... well it is surreal after all...
Then, he dissuaded Lucas to skip band today for Sports Day and he still stressed on how there's only 6 days left and all... he really... he really has never failed to make me feel very hopeful...
But.
Everything started collapsing during band.
I wonder if the feng shui in the canteen is good or what, but he only speaks to me in the canteen.... and nowhere else...
So, we didn't speak a single word at all during band. Like not even a single word...
It was worse after band when I watched him play soccer and we were all walking towards the bus stop together. Once again, we didn't speak a single word... trying not to be a spoilsport... I faked my usual smile and talked to other people, which only made me feel worse.
Then, at the bus stop, if I followed to where he went, he would walk away in another direction. Sometimes, I find this so weird and contradictory. He... asks me if I want breakfast but he... does such things? It gets me confused and thinking about stupid things.
I can't remember me smiling truthfully a lot of times. Most of the time, I'm just faking it to be not labeled as an "emo", or to be polite... or because he doesn't like emo people, and I want to be someone he likes...
But in times like just now, I really can't bring myself to fake a smile. I'm so tired that I can't even appear stoic. My lips can't go up, they can't stay straight, they can only droop down in despair.
... Everyone tells me that he is a very easy-going person who will just talk to anyone and be nice to everyone. But... he treats me so hot and cold that I don't even know if he hates me... What does he take me as? Who am I to him? Does he hate me? I keenly understand that no one else but him knows the answers to these questions... I'm so useless...
He treats everyone so nicely but to me... no, I refuse to believe that he's making use of me or whatever. He really is not that evil... not like other people. He is simple and pure... appearing ever so surreal in my complicated and sad life.
Happiness, love and life are transient like flowers. It is because they are all destined to fall someday that makes them even more pursued and treasured.
I really don't expect him to love me back or whatever but to treat me like everyone else... is that too much to ask for?
He is not making use of me.
On what basis should he?
He's treating me hot and cold by accident.
Why would he do that on purpose?
I have the real answers to these questions...
People who listen to happy songs when they're sad are just in self denial. They are escaping from the blatant reality displayed in front of them.
Why must we fake a smile? Why must we consider about people getting emo because we are? Why must we think about other people? Why can't we think about ourselves? Why can't we just be sad if we are?
Listening to a whole list of depressing songs... I have decided to blog The Truth.
Mark is making use of me. He only talks to me when he wants something from me, like borrowing money.
Mark treats me hot and cold on purpose. He only treats me nicely when he feels like it, but most of the time, I'm nothing to him. I have no purpose to him. I am nothing to him.
Mark hates me. Mark hates me. Mark hates me.
He just treats me like a Doll... playing with me when he feels like it...
Six more days and he'll be happier...
Six more days. Just six more days.
How many more memories can we make in this short period of time?
I just feel like resting for a long time now... I'm really very tired.
I just want him to talk to me.
I just want him to treat normally.
If I could, should we trash it out? Haha, I keenly understand that he wouldn't care...
Can someone tell him how upset I am because of him? No one would, and oh wait, he wouldn't care...
He wouldn't care. He would never care.
Because I am nothing to him. I am useless. I am a burden.
Listened to music @ 8:57 PM
