♥ Tuesday, April 08, 2008
Ah...
I wonder where has that cheerful part of Me disappeared to...
I don't feel happy at this point of time and I don't know why. I just feel kind of alone and all... perhaps my ghost friend is now next to me.
Why am I still here? I just recalled that I was supposed to die on Sunday but I got saved by people who care and...
I don't think I can just consider anything as immature and stupid as suicide again so I'll just be upset today.
I didn't see him today. Well no one whom I asked did, maybe he didn't come to school. Well, since I didn't see him, I should be feeling normal but no...
I am feeling depressed.
Don't ask me why, I just thought about a lot of things and like I really don't understand a lot of things about him.
In one of my talkin' 2 myself sessions today, it went like that
"Does Mark hate me?"
"Of course he does. He blocked me from MSN and he enjoys insulting me."
"Oh really? But there are so many times when he was so nice to me too..."
"What do you think the intentions behind those actions were?"
"I really don't know..."
"See? Mark is just that insensitive bastard that everyone else says he is... stop deluding yourself!"
"But... Mark wouldn't be like that if I didn't exist. Like he doesn't have to be bad if he doesn't know me..."
"If he's really such a nice person, he wouldn't even do anything bad thing. You do so many stuff for him... he doesn't appreciate any of them!"
"It's not that he doesn't appreciate... he doesn't know..."
"Assuming that he knows... so what? He talked to you yesterday only to borrow money from you, because he knows you would have no qualms about doing anything for him..."
"I'm just glad to be of use to him..."
"You bought a water bottle for him and you needed to get others to lie to him so that he could accept it... isn't that pathetic? What about those times when you worry about him for everything and he just told you to 'Fuck off'?"
"..."
"Shut up. Mark is just misunderstood."
And to keep my alter-ego off, I just do other things.
The thing is... while talking to myself... I realized how much Mark doesn't care at all.
I mean, does he care about me? Everyone says that he's a very easy-going person... he'll just talk to almost anyone... it's something very innocent to me but still... he doesn't bother about me you know.
Like... I wonder if I am asking for too much. You know, just for him to treat me like anyone else... I just wish for that...
And I actually wonder if he knows how I feel. There are so many times when I think that I should talk to him, as in, really just pour my heart out to him but... I couldn't bring myself to.
I'm just a dastard who can't do anything, as usual.
Nothing would ever be the same again.
7 more days to his happiness.
Listened to music @ 8:48 PM
