♥ Wednesday, April 23, 2008
Okay my phone got confiscated by DK... please don't try to contact me until the June holidays!
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How should we put it? I guess I'm numb, in a way.
He spoke to me today and asked me about something... that moment of sheer happiness... yes I felt it but somehow it felt so... common and like I've felt a lot of times before that it doesn't sweep me off my feet anymore.
He ignored me for the rest of the day... that moment of depression... yes I felt it but I kind of expected it. In a way, perhaps I'm embracing myself already for whatever he can do on me... and as such, I become numb.
... What I've feared the most becomes the truth: Becoming numb...
Do you know what's so bad about feeling numb? It just means that the hurt is so deep and great that you have gotten used to it and you just can't feel it anymore... that's really pathetic and it's a state where I hate to be in.
And yes, the environment is always giving me signs of how I feel... it rained after band today, and surprisingly, though I feel empty and depressed, I didn't cry at all.
I felt as though the sky was weeping instead of me.
Somehow, I want to be close to you. I want to just be somewhere near you... and I don't know why...
Someone told me yesterday,
"What's the point of loving when it's going to turn to hate?"
... Do I hate him? I don't know. I think exasperated is the best word. I love him, as in I really mean it, and I'm more or less sure that this is love and not lust (simply I've never really fantasized about him... see how can that be lust?)... but sometimes he does things that confuse me... things that make me feel hurt... and obviously it's just going to be my fault.
I am not stupid person. None of my friends, or people whom I know are. That's why, we all know that having a pointless love is indeed pointless and unworthy of putting everything inside...
But. That's all theory.
It's when you really fall in love that you know that all these theories simply negate themselves when it comes to the real thing.
I know that I should stop loving him. I know that I should just forget my feelings towards him.
But...
When I see his dazzling smile, when I felt his warm hands, when I heard his gentle voice... I can't bring myself to forget anything...
In my mind, all I want is to have those for eternity...
I know I'm being very selfish, but who can really understand unless they're having an exact same relationship with me now?
It is very easy to tell me to stop, to forget, to stop contradicting myself.
Put yourself in my shoes, you think you can just do all that?
It's something right yet wrong... something stems down to my fault... something that can't be explained just like that.
I promised to be passive yesterday but...
When I heard about something about his friend and him, I got worried.
When he told me about something else, I got worried.
When Mr. Chiang was having that pissed off face at his actions, I only shook my head and wished nothing bad would happen.
... That is not being passive, I'm very well aware of that.
I'm really not making sense, am I?
I waited with him and other people after they were done with soccer... I don't know why I did that, I think it's a waste of time and very desperate and pathetic but...
I want to see him, even if it's just for one more second.
Let's paraphrase something from Xing Hao's blog...
"Don't deny my existence."
I mean, I don't think he does, since he still talks to me. But sometimes I kind of feel... nevermind, I'm going to talk gibberish again.
But well, there's always more than one way to interpret a sentence... if you know me, I'm sure you know why I chose that quote... I'm sure you did.
"I tried to smile weakly in front of other people, because smiling is polite and doesn't dampen other people's moods... I tried to turn away from you when I see you, I tried to escape to somewhere else... like how I went all the way to the cupboard during recess today, just to avoid seeing you... But... why? You suddenly just come up to me and make me feel that what I did for the past few hours was all wrong... Please tell me something..."
Listened to music @ 9:12 PM
