♥ Tuesday, April 22, 2008
Today is a shitty day. Today is a very shitty day.
Let's start with 'family'.
Okay, my sister has an attitude problem and she often yells at me and often takes a knife to threaten me. Seems normal. Okay perhaps it is normal in my 'family' but today something "new" happened.
Well my mom and my sis got extreme PMS and they started shouting at each other... and then it suddenly became my fault. Yes, I got screamed at again... I just felt it's so unfair. Come on this house (note: NOT home) is totally UNsuitable for studying... it's not conducive, it's not quiet... it's not somewhere where you can feel comfortable about studying. That's why I NEVER study at home. But yes, my mom being whatever that she is, refuses to believe me.
Who is it that has her form teacher calling up to complain?
Who is it that has her tuition teacher complaining?
Me? I'm sorry but I dare to say that I am an extremely good student who pays 101% attention in class. Face it, Mr. Chia has NEVER EVER called up my parents... nor do any other teachers. If my mom were to call him now, I BET he would praise me instead of saying something bad, I AM THAT GOOD.
But my 'family' was never convinced. Just like how they were never convinced that I can perform in concerts, just like how they were never convinced that I can be a SL (well at least that is true... I'm a very lousy SL), just like how they were never convinced that I can be a musician next time (well yah, I SUCK LIKE SUPER SHIT RIGHT)..., just like how they are ALWAYS convinced that I WILL FAIL MY FUCKING O'LEVELS.
I'm just sick and tired. I'm just really exhausted. When can I be emancipated?
On top of that, it's the wonderful Maris Stella with great Marists and that perfect him.
...
Why?
How is it that I can be so transparent to you... and I just don't get it.
You talk to them, Justin Yap and Chang Jun, and I'm just the background extra... you don't EVER pay any NOTICE to me at all. What am I? Garbage? Rubbish? Nothing?
I don't exist for your convenience.
I want to do so many things for you, whatever you said that you need, I'll try my best to do it.
You need money for whatever reasons, I'll be there to loan you some.
You want lollipops or anything, I'll be there to take them for you... just to see you smile.
You said when you saw me in the toilet,
"Oh shit, Jun Xiang is peeing. I don't feel safe!"
You think it's a funny statement. My heart had a big slash at that time.
You spoke to Chang Jun outside the toilet and I became transparent.
You think it's normal and fun. My heart was gushing out blood at that time.
You pointed to me to your classmate while I was speaking to Miss Lee.
You think it's all right. My mind was filled with a million questions.
You treat me warmly one day, and then treat me like shit the next.
You think it's right and deserving. I feel used.
You be yourself...
You think it's fine. I think it's extraordinary.
...
I'm really tired of everything.
If you're reading my blog.
I didn't go to the Primary School Canteen to see you. I just went there to eat.
I didn't go to your corridor to see you. My class was switched with 3I.
I'm not stalking you. I'm not, I'm not, I'm not.
I'm just so exhausted now. Do you even know how much I care and how many tears I've shed because of you? I mean, I can do everything just for you but the way you treat me...
I think everything is a big irony.
I look at how nice you are to other people... I look at how nice you treat my peers... I feel so outcasted by you.
So many people tell me that you suck. So many people ask me what do I see in you.
You know what I tell them?
"I feel a need to protect him... because I feel that somehow he must be hurt by how people insult him... and all the more because he faces everything with a smile that I'm worried. The more he bares he fangs, the more I see his fear."
...
Do you even care at all?
Why do I give so much of myself to this?
... I feel as though you should be ashamed of yourself for treating me like that.
But who am I? Just a NOBODY, at least to you.
Perhaps what Nicholas Tan said was true.
"He just came up to you, ask for money, and when he has used you, he just walks away."
Please tell me that is false. ... Please.
I can't believe that you can ever make use of me. I never believed that, you know?
I never believed in anything that other people say.
They say I'm stubborn, but I don't care.
I only know that my heart tells me there is something more going on behind you, but I don't know what. I cannot believe what they say. I can't.
I am broken, destroyed and worn out.
Listened to music @ 9:45 PM
