Today was band again.
Why did I go and find websites with manuscript paper and download and print them?
Why did I spend another hour darkening the manuscript cos it's fade due to my printer ink almost diminishing?
The Percussion section was punished by Mr Chiang on Wednesday cos they lost a score and they were punished to hand write Wilson's Suite score like 4 times each for every part I think.
In the end, Hui Xiong did almost everything.
Jia Wei, Saw, Wy Ton, Kevin and Nicholas Soo all did too but they gave up like less than half way through.
And I was just thinking, "Poor Hui Xiong."
Perhaps it is only after he passes out that the Percussion will realize that they have dumped all their work on him... Then the only way to learn would to be hurt first, I guess.
Mark treated me nicely on Tuesday. Mark treated me badly on Wednesday. Mark treated me nicely on Thursday. Mark treated me badly on Friday. Do you see a pattern? Perhaps I'm reading too much and when my expectations of Saturday go up... I'll be even more disappointed.
To be honest, I'm quite sick of this Doll treatment. But still... why?
I have too many questions of which answers only I can answer myself.
I don't know why, but after reading the tags left by many people on the tagboard... I felt a sense or rebirth.
In hindsight... I'm not that sad. I'm not that pathetic.
Yes, I'm thinking about people who committed suicide, people who killed others because they just couldn't take it... people who went berserk... people who have no food to eat... people who have no money... people who endure extreme family and school abuse... people who are born with no legs/handicapped... I'm really not that sad. If anything, my sadness is NOTHING compared to moroseness of those people.
I have been too selfish and focusing on my so called sadness... I have to like stop.
But of course, I'm not such a strong person to get through everything by myself... there'll still be times when perhaps I'll be alone on a rainy day (like today) and be very upset... but um okay I can't forget all sadness completely right.
It's a big thank you to my friends who have been encouraging me during this period of time... without you guys, perhaps I would still be struggling in the abyss of despair and perhaps might have already taken my life.
This Mark incident was the first time in my life that I considered suicide... which was very selfish and immature.
But I woke up from it already, thanks to a lot of people... Let's list them down.
Not in any particular order:
Chien Teng
Sean Kwek
Clement Pak
Hui Xiong
Nicholas Tan
Xing Hao
Jack
Hendrik (er lol)
The Onggos
Karen
Justin Yap
Chang Jun
Looking at these friends, well that's a lot of people. So what I said was right, I'M NOT THAT SAD ACTUALLY.
So Ayu has in a way (I'm finding excuses~) managed to have a song that describes my feelings. Here it goes!
Today's happy face, today's sad face.
Yesterday's weak self, tomorrow's strong self.
If it's you, who are you showing it to? If it's me, who should I show it to? Time is sometimes a cruel thing,
but the present is made by that cruelty.
Unceasingly searching for someone, an instant of release
soon triumphs over the visiting fear.
As I don't even notice the flowers shaking before my feet,
I can't even look at myself in the mirror.
Today's happy face, today's sad face.
Yesterday's healed wounds and today's deeply opened wounds.
If it's you, who are you showing it to? If it's me, who should I show it to?
The sanity and insanity that I was given and are mine only,
Both exist together without negating the other.
Futile things, spilled things, and useless things...
I'll choose with confidence, so I am of myself.
Because I have always defined happiness with my own standards.
Today's happy face, today's sad face.
Even if yesterday's healed wounds have opened today,
If it's you, who can you show it to? If it's me, I want to show it to that person.
Trauma - ayumi hamasaki
