♥ Monday, March 31, 2008
To remind myself of the happy things that went on today...
1) Peter gave me a chicken pie! I thought it was some normal chicken pie from a confectionery shop but oh my it's DON'S Chicken Pie! The super expensive one that has eggs inside! I was totally stunned like omg... so really a big thank you to Peter! =)
2) Justin Yap gave me a surprise! He just came up to me with a mouthpiece pouch and said, "Happy Birthday". That was something I really didn't expect... just very very very heartwarming =D! That got my mood to a super high (along with Peter, haha), yeah all these happened before lessons started...
Well, there was Lit lesson before recess so like I remembered indignantly telling Nicholas Tan and Xing Hao,
"I realized that I can be happy without Mark too."
Or at least, that was how I believed at that time. Then at recess...
Life is so weird. It gives you somethings that are very beautiful and nice and makes you feel happy... but it takes them away in an instant too, giving you an endless sorrow... Happiness is so transient...
Well, as usual, I saw Mark. Mark ignored me and he treated me like a stranger. He spoke to every single person (I'm not blowing matters up, by the way), except for me. Suddenly, I felt as though I was transparent. I was just standing just next to him but he really treated me as though I didn't exist. Needless to say, I got upset immediately.
So, since I forgot to bring the exercise book that I write my lyrics, I borrowed foolscap paper and started to pen stuff.
The first song that I've written that has two pages.
The first song that I've written that has a "program note".
I left it in the band room so I can't post it now (well like who cares actually).
And then, after that, when the band room was closed and we're heading back home, I made another saddening discovering via Raymond Gan.
He told me that the whole of 3F (Mark's class) and 3G knows that I like/liked Mark. I mean obviously this is super weird because I don't know anyone from either classes except for Mark and Lucas... and why would Mark tell everyone something awkward and shameful that involves himself?
So, Raymond Gan told me the truth. The truth is, Lucas spread that "information" in his own 3G and in thus got spread to 3F. Wow, now everyone in both classes know me... wow! I just hate it when such things happen. I didn't even ask for such horrible things but it just happened as if... it was meant to be like that.
The worst thing was it was Lucas who started everything. I didn't expect that, honestly. I'm just in total shock and moroseness. Well, I don't love Lucas so I don't know why I'm so affected by his actions.
Is it right to just blame Lucas for everything? The fact that Mark just don't want to have anything to do with me anymore... it can't be totally because of Lucas.
Because I know I am at fault too. Like 99.9% of it.
I shouldn't have loved Mark in the first place. I shouldn't have made it so obvious in the first place. In a way, that's Karma, I suppose.
I'm not pissed at all, I'm just upset... and I really hate myself at this point of time. I felt that I have brought shame upon Mark or something...
But in any case, if Mark really doesn't want to have anything to do with me, then why does he still use me? Why does he still say "hi" (when he's alone, and when I'm alone too)? Why?...
Such are questions which I can't answer myself.
I'm feeling so perplexed and confused now... and listening to Ayu's RAINBOW album, makes me feel a lot calmer since I get a lot of imagery and messages when I listen to it... so I think I should just type the album out and my feelings towards it...
Note: You can leave this blog now since I'm not expecting everyone to read the following lol.
"No rain, can't get the rainbow."
RAINBOW - ayumi hamasaki
I wonder what sort of an impression do those simple words give you, but to me, it means a lot. There are a lot of times when I feel that a certain thing is going to kill me, but in the end, everything turns out all right and... things just settle down somehow. Perhaps that's how life is, and it's only through experiencing pain and hardship that we can see the fruit of our labor. But Mark...
"I give you a box of dreams. An everlasting dream..."
everlasting dream - ayumi hamasaki
Yes, everlasting dream is simply a 1min+ interlude in the album but I think that line made a lot of sense. We all have our own dreams and are working towards our goal. People with goals succeed because they know where they are going. I think that's so true. Mark, I just want to protect your dream...
"We are meaningless unless we accept ourselves."
WE WISH - ayumi hamasaki
I wonder if there's a real 'us' that we all portray ourselves as. Someone really cool? A successful millionaire? Being with someone you really love? Who is it that we see in the mirror? So, perhaps it's because I'm gay that I can totally understand that quotation. Yes, we are nothing unless we decide to act as ourselves, instead of faking some other identity.
"Maybe I have heard enough people saying that they knew the value of something only after losing it."
Real me - ayumi hamasaki
And I'm sick of myself saying that too.
"I'll always protect you, so you never ever lose that which you have clutched close to your heart."
Free & Easy - ayumi hamasaki
Sometimes, what we view as our duty is not what really is our duty. Perhaps it's something more of a desire... to protect the ones whom we love. And we can only blame ourselves when we fail to protect anything at all. But what's with all the 'we's? I think I'm the only person who has such a twisted thinking.
"I've come to be able to smile, even when I feel no fun. I wonder if I have changed."
Heartplace - ayumi hamasaki
How true. Nowadays, I feel as though I'm smiling to be polite, and to make people leave me alone, rather than smiling because I'm really happy. Like today, when I just got sad and looked down in depression, people came to ask me if I was all right. Thank you for your concern but in such a time... I really want to be alone and think about things, and rushing to the toilet is too dramatic. So... have I changed?
"I honestly love you; I didn't have a little more courage."
Over - ayumi hamasaki
Ah, how do I explain this? I think the reason to why I love/loved Mark in the first place is because I feel that he is actually a very nice person... like very nice, but hidden behind an identity that is needed to fit in and be 'cool', and thus misunderstood by many. And because the more he bares he fangs, the more I see his heart... there's a desire to protect him from everything... I still believe in love...
"Whenever I'm sad, I have a habit of saying, 'I'm okay.'"
HANABI - ayumi hamasaki
With reference to Heartplace, I think that I do this a lot of times too. I told lies to a lot of people today (like Chang Jun), when they asked me if I was 'all right', I could only muster a trembling smile and say "I'm okay", because I'm not strong at all. I'm just that pathetic useless self; I've only learned to pretend to be strong.
"Love is not an illusion; Dreams will surely come true; There will be a ray of hope. Yes, if we believe so."
everywhere nowhere - ayumi hamasaki
I really wonder what is going through Ayu's mind when she writes songs... one moment she writes a song of moroseness and then suddenly she comes with something like this! All in the same album! Well, I guess that's how the RAINBOW concept came about, to tell us that life is a RAINBOW, holding true to the many concepts and symbolism that a RAINBOW gives us...
"If it's fine tomorrow, I will go to see you. Yes, I will be with you. Tomorrow, the day after tomorrow."
July 1st - ayumi hamasaki
I just want to see Mark again, I just want to hear his voice again... I just want to go back to those days when we didn't know too much of each other... =|
"What are you thinking about now? What can I do for you?"
Dolls - ayumi hamasaki
Mark, I've always thought of how I can help you, I've always thought of how I can be less of a burden to you, but... I'm so useless, I can't do anything right... Even if here is the end of the world, I still wish to show you the continuation of the dream (also from Dolls)...
I think I finally understood why Ayu named this song 'Dolls'. Because Dolls are toys... used by people when they feel like playing... shelved when they don't feel like playing...
Has Mark been treating me like a Doll? When I think about those times when I just took my wallet out and lent him money (er-hem, he still owes me $0.60)... and whatever other times that I have done SOMETHING for him, he seems happy with me... but when I'm not needed... he cast me aside... like today...
"We travel this road to find happiness. Everyone is a traveler, carrying his own never-healing wounds. You see? You look good with a smile on your face."
Voyage - ayumi hamasaki
Mark, you look good with a smile on your face. I just want to hold your hands and feel that pulsating warmth that you give to everyone... I hate to travel on this road called "Life" alone... I really don't want to but still... to protect you...
"I will always be by your side, though I can do nothing else."
Close to you - ayumi hamasaki
I am so useless and stupid.
*independent and + are excluded cos they are too happy.
... I'm sorry for being so Ayu crazy... and mentioning Mark in almost every quotation but that's what my mind is filled with now... I'm a goner.
Listened to music @ 9:52 PM
