♥ Thursday, March 20, 2008
Life is too complicated sometimes for us to full comprehend it.
I am listening to the whole of Ayu's I am... album now. In case if you don't know, the I am... days (2001) was Ayu's supposingly darkest period of her life. As in, she was really confused and lost at the time.
And the songs that came out from I am... were full of faith and hope... as if she was using her songs as prayers and to display what she really wanted: Love, Faith.
Today is Maundy Thursday and tomorrow would be Good Friday and Sunday is Easter Sunday.
We had this mass thing going on today and... a lot of thoughts were going through my mind.
At that time, the lyrics of the songs in the I am... album kept repeating in my mind and I just felt very happy yet sad. It's like suddenly I'm filled with hope but at the same time, I'm reminding myself of the current situation. Yes, a very weird feeling.
The I am... quote
"Despite my faults, will I be forgiven? Please tell me."
I am... - ayumi hamasaki
Will I be forgiven? I keenly remember that prayer...
"Forgive us our sins as we forgive those who sinned against us."
I have already forgiven Nicholas Koh and whoever else! I'm not even angry with anyone anymore... well except for myself. Do I need to forgive myself too before I can be forgiven? Please tell me...
"Oh, by the time we sleep the deep sleep, how many precious words would we have exchanged?"
Connected - ayumi hamasaki
I am actually a very quiet person. There are many times when I see someone familiar at a bus stop for example, and I think, "oh Shit."
Because while I listen to the great Ayu's songs... my mind is thinking of many things... usually to the context of the song... but it's just that I really want to think about such matters and come to some sort of a conclusion.
So, how many precious words have I exchanged? Perhaps none, since I'm only 16... and words are pretty powerless in the first place (you would see that later).
"People are short lived, but they are strong."
UNITE! - ayumi hamasaki
Isn't that the most optimistic thing ever? Life is really so transient. There are many times when I think that I could be dead in the next minute... But before that, what would be the last thing that I'll think of?
Whenever I feel like committing suicide, this thought will surface in my mind...
"Can I die now? I still have regrets that I am not over with... I still have not done a lot of things that I want to do yet..."
And the ultimate question:
"I don't want to go to Hell as a fat person." Okay I'm kidding.
"Reality is a traitor; it's easy to misjudge things."
evolution - ayumi hamasaki
Isn't this so true? Like appearance and reality, life isn't what it appears to be. Like someone who is smiling and laughing all the time (like me) can't be too normal in the first place cos Life would NEVER be always happy. I'm afraid that this sad fact is something that we all have to embrace. So... the more someone smiles... there's a higher chance that he could be deeply hurt inside. It is up to you to decide.
"In gathering, displaying and viewing only beautiful things, and seeing beautiful dreams, I was only lamenting reality."
Naturally - ayumi hamasaki
Yes, like the people in the Gold 90.5 FM advertisements, perhaps I too, am deluding myself. I tried too hard to push you away from reality that you appear in my dreams instead... And I dreamt of us leaving each other forever... are dreams the opposite of reality? Because I have been having nightmares about you...
"If you'll laugh for me, even just a little, then there's still a reason for me to live."
NEVER EVER - ayumi hamasaki
I really like how the quote and song title just contradict each other... well I have nothing to say about this. Doesn't the quote just shout out my feelings now?
"I loved your face that seemed to tell the future."
still alone - ayumi hamasaki
You always look so dreamy and hopeful... inside you, despite whatever that other people say, must be something that is full of dreams and faith... something that makes you unique...
"Things aren't random; perhaps everything is inevitable."
Daybreak - ayumi hamsaki
Certainly, the fact that I got to meet you under this sky... having a chance to protect you... I couldn't have planned that, no one could, perhaps except for God.
"Beginnings come at random, but endings always have a reason."
M - ayumi hamasaki
By the way, M stands MARIA not Mark (well how would Ayu and Mark have anything to do with each other...?).
Anyway, doesn't M contradict Daybreak?
... I don't really know why I loved you. I don't really know why I started calling your name during band camp. But I know why you shun me and turn in another direction when I see you now.
It is all my fault.
"Surely no one was hoping for any of these terrible things."
a song is born - ayumi hamasaki
I wasn't, were you?
"Are all people sad?... They are forgetful creatures..."
Dearest - ayumi hamasaki
While lamenting your blatant abhor towards me, I never for once have forgotten the happy times that I spent with you... I don't think that I will ever be sad forever...
"If this world was split into winners and losers, I'd rather be a loser. I would always want to be a loser."
no more words - ayumi hamasaki
What's the point of winning when there isn't anyone to share my joy with?
Perhaps, the poorest man is the wealthiest.
Really, having fame, money and power is nothing if at the end, you realize that you were alone all the while...
"If you are left with no wings, I still have one wing left. So... together... together..."
Endless sorrow - ayumi hamasaki
I wonder if there is someone out there in this world for everyone to protect... at this time, I just want to protect you but no one knows what the future holds... It's saddening to know that ultimately, you'll just be a passing memory...
"For instance, where I felt despair, you find a beautiful flower."
flower garden - ayumi hamasaki
We are too different. Oh well.
I doubt anyone bothers to read this boring post... anyway I had so much fun playing the Marimba today!
Listened to music @ 9:44 PM
