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binaryface @bs.com


♥ Wednesday, March 26, 2008

Yesterday was a very bad day indeed but thanks to tags left by chien and Karen and Clement (no Hendrik doesn't count...), I felt much x 1000 better about yesterday.

But as yesterday's wrath leaves, today's moroseness settled in...

Had band just now and it was just kind of sad.

I don't know why but I have this feeling that all the juniors hate me or something.

Ren Zhong hates me because he can't depend on me for anything, because I really suck. My section hates me because in their eyes, I don't deserve to be SL in the first place so yah...

Lucas hates me because he thinks I'm gay. Nicholas Chew hates me for some reason I can't put into words.

Mark hates me because... of me.

It's only 20 days before I am left to concentrate on my studies and leave band aside but... I can't seem to make a clean escape...

Sometimes, they say certain things which makes me think a lot. Things that are insignificant to everyone else...

Like when Lucas said, "Who cares?" when I casually made a remark that my birthday is this Sunday... it just got me into thinking about this post now. As in, he probably didn't think too much about what he said, and other people too, but it just got me into thinking about a lot of things.

About how I've failed horribly as a SL, about how I've failed horribly as a senior, about how I've failed horribly as a person...

I think I'm on better terms with seniors but I think it's really... not so nice to just keep bonding with one group of people. Perhaps I'm too distant from the juniors that when I try to take the first step, everything just starts to fall apart...

And also, I thought of Mark's different treatment towards me yesterday and today and... they are really 180 degrees of difference. I mean, okay maybe I shouldn't be too affected by Mark because I don't love him anymore, but what Lucas said also made an impact on me... I mean perhaps it's because of Justin Mai or some other personal reason of his (maybe his right shoulder's injury?) but still... I was thinking...

Why do I do so much?
Why do I care so much?
Why do I fear so much?
Why do I love so much?

Yes, ideas for a new writing, and I've thought of a title already. And that is going to be the opening stanza.

When ordinary words fail to express a feeling, then perhaps through literature, I can do it better...

But for now, an Ayu song that got me into more thinking as I was listening to it on the way home...

*My eyes met yours again, we talked a little
My heart throbbed and I hid my feelings behind a smile
As I was afraid I might not be able to go back to the times
When I had not known you

The wind has already gotten cold
Laughing voices fill the air with white breath
It may be because of the winter
That I feel like crying for nothing

I remember that night when we first met even now

* (repeat)

We have come to know each other little by little
But suddenly I find I know nothing about you
Please tell me what you feel by the time I understand it
You can even shout

My love grew when we couldn't meet
My heart ached because my voice didn't reach you
I found I couldn't go back to the times
When I had not known you

Please don't smile with such sorrowful eyes
As if you were about to be broken and disappear
What can I do, my dear?

My love grew when we couldn't meet
My heart ached because my voice didn't reach you
I find I can't go back to the times
When I didn't know you

Why sometimes I can't say honestly?
Why sometimes I can't be tender?
Why sometimes we hurt each other?
Why sometimes we check each other?
Why sometimes my heart aches so much
Why always my heart goes out to you?
I can't think of anyone but you
I can't think of anyone but you

Because of You - ayumi hamasaki

The last stanza is totally broken English but um - at least they tried their best to translate it. ^^

... Good-bye.
Listened to music @ 11:20 PM