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binaryface @bs.com


♥ Tuesday, January 15, 2008

Disclaimer: I'm merely taking about fifteen minutes to blog this. The reason why I'm blogging is because... certain things have been going through my head and I'm kind of 'depressed', in a sense, during these few days. I decided that I can only post lyrics and perhaps a few (useless) words of mine.

 Listen closely, because I'll keep screaming until you understand:
I've been here, here, here forever.

What is at the end of these half-tiresome
days that are chased by time?

Is it funny to you that I'm rushing
through life? Go ahead and laugh.

I want you to stare into my eyes and say my name.
I want you to hold my hand and tell me it'll be ok.
Help me; if you don't, I don't think I can make it.
If this is a lie, then at least keep the lie going to the end.

I entrust my body to the flow of time.
Where will I wash ashore?

Despite my faults, will I be forgiven?
Please tell me.

Please understand, that's not what I'm saying.
Please notice, this isn't what I want.
Please let me go, I don't want to go there.
I've been searching for just one word.

I want you to stare into my eyes and say my name.
I want you to hold my hand and tell me it'll be ok.
Help me; if you don't, I don't think I can make it.
If this is a lie, then at least keep the lie going to the end.

Please understand, that's not what I'm saying.
Please notice, this isn't what I want.
Please let me go, I don't want to go there.
I've been searching for just one word.

I am... Ayumi Hamasaki


I said to myself "I'm OK"
And showed my usual smile
I didn't feel in desperation
But in a kind of defiance

I hid my trembling hand
Because their sympathy was so hollow

I don't get warmed
By the half-hearted and artificial warmth
I rather want them to shut their eyes
Until I break into pieces without a trace

I don't want to hear nor speak
The fine words any longer
The pain will be getting worse
So I just accept it

The air is awfully clear
The calm before a storm

What do those people really want to know
With seemingly kindness
Hiding a sharp knife of curiosity
Behind their gentle looking eyes?

What do you really want?
What do you really wish?
Where do you really aim for?
And with whom?

It's the first and the last time
For you to live just as yourself
You should draw your own way
After spreading a big map


(miss)understood - Ayumi Hamasaki

I am... (miss)understood.

I don't know why but that's all I can think of to describe myself. In the past, it was "I am cute!", "I rock!" etc etc... words of self-praise; words that don't hold any meaning at all. If by saying such things gather dislike to me... then why does saying something that makes myself look pathetic seem to gain understanding?

Perhaps you might think that I'm bullshitting now, perhaps you might think this isn't something that I'd say, perhaps you might think that I'm not being serious at all now, perhaps you might think that all I'm capable of is to be a burden and annoyance to others (which is actually true)... I don't care anymore. Leave me alone, if you wish, but please. Don't stay by my side, pretending to be my friend and all that when in the end, where were you when I needed you the most? Note that the 'you' doesn't refer to one person, but really, a group of people. A LARGE group of people.

I understand that it's not easy to be a friend. You want others to see you as a nice friend, someone whom you can confide to, someone perfect? But I understand that no one is perfect, therefore... a perfect friend doesn't exist. Similarly, I'm not a perfect friend or person either. I know that I make mistakes a lot of times, and I'm very grateful to friends whom have forgiven me again and again for my mistakes...

If there could be just one person now to be beside me, and he would listen to what I'm saying... I wouldn't mind if all he said was "mm-hmm" or "oh". At least I know he's listening. Because this is unlike in school when my mouth opened to utter a word, I get cut off already. Thus, building things deep into my heart... is that supposed to be right?

A few months ago, I've not shaken off that side of me that still shows unhappiness and whatever. I aspire to be someone who will smile all the time... but showing a smile that isn't a smile... what's the point?

With every word I say... with every thing I do... does their true meaning hold any value, when what they mean is just what all of you perceive. My chance to explain, oh forget it, I don't have one. Rationales, reasons... are they just excuses to you? So why are all of you giving me rationales?

I'm so sick and tired now... of facing people every day; people who are hypocrites and treating me as 2nd fiddle. Now, now, now, what qualities do I have that make others not treat me as 2nd fiddle and whatever? None? Oh yeah. If it's so... then just leave me alone and don't even bother about me. Faking it... it makes me sick.

I miss going online already. Part and parcel of life? Haha.

*I don't care anymore about what anyone thinks about what I wrote. May they be bullshit or whatever to you... it doesn't affect me anymore. Even if I shall be misunderstood, I hope there is at least one person in this world who wouldn't... wherever you may be.*

I am... (miss)understood
Listened to music @ 9:05 PM