♥ Thursday, September 20, 2007
I'm depressed now. Very depressed.
Firstly shitty things have been happening to me, coupled with rain in the two weeks before this week... the pattern is existent again.
Okay, my father realized that he has money missing in his wallet. He accuses me, saying that I stole the money to pay off debts or something. He threatened me by saying that it's either I confess or he calls the police.
And what do I have to do? Own up, even though I bloody didn't steal any money at all. He still asked me how much I stole like wtf? I didn't even steal anything how would I know how much I stole?! Anyway I said $50 and he looked unconvinced so I said $200 before he walked away.
... I don't understand what is up with my family. It's just messed up and it's making me feel worse. The effects of the Pattern has gone worse each time it happens...
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Anyway, I watched the 7pm show on Channel 8 just now and there's this break-up scene which I felt just made a lot of sense; I edited some key words so that they fit into the context... so here it is. They are in quotations, by the way.
"Do you know what the most heartbreaking distance in this world is? It's when two people, who are worlds apart in their perceptions, character and personalities meet each other and become good friends. And then one day, because of mistakes that one of them made, they stopped liking each other, and they started to drift apart, to such an extent that they were further from each other than when they first met."
I guess... we'll have to keep that distance?
When my heart was broken for the first time, if you weren't by my side, even under the beautiful sky, I wouldn't be able to stop the rain from falling on my heart.
I still remember all the things that you had done for me, those times when we laughed together, so innocently. You changed my perception of friends and I matured along the way too. But as I remembered the good times, I remembered the bad times as well. The times when I said horrible things to you and we drifted apart because of me.
This guilt and remorse that haunts me... How do I describe it?
You're really unique and nice... I guess I'm not unique and nice enough.
Even if I were to apologize a billion times, I know it wouldn't make a difference.
All I can do now is to pretend that I don't care so that you'd give up and never forgive me again, for I am afraid that I will hurt you again...
Perhaps I'm selfish, because I didn't consider your feelings but there's no time even for myself to consider my feelings, for I must try to forget, albeit the difficulty.
It was never my wish to let go and leave, yet if I don't, I'll regret it, unless I change, and change is hard for our innate self is as such.
Maybe, it was a mistake, and it was my fault to have dragged you in some trick that the people up there wishes to play on me.
I'm just so tired now...
Someday, things will be better.
Listened to music @ 9:18 PM
