♥ Thursday, August 16, 2007
This week whizzed past quickly. I don't know how time passes by so quickly... time is just... fantastic. Actually, CA2 starts tomorrow. I don't know how I'll fare... but I hope it'll be good. Or perhaps I can predict from my various tests.
E-Maths 15/20
A-Maths 6.5/25
Geography 14/20
Chemistry 22/27
Yeah I only took tests for these subjects. Do they actually look good? Well whatever it is, I can't afford to do badly.
Anyway, English lessons these few days had been fun... and bad at the same time.
Miss Tan was obviously so pissed with us for "not showing her respect" and treating her as an "acquaintance". Well, every time she's pissed with us she lashes words of great insult.
The fun thing was we did descriptive writing exercises and today we were supposed to choose one classmate and describe him, and he's supposed to be a thief as well.
Er, I dominated my group and we, or rather I, wrote about Zen, while Zen as expected, wrote about me.
Sometimes it's just so funny how we treat each other.
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Today during Physics, the general office staff came down and called for Dion. I only knew later on that his grandfather passed away.
Sometimes it appalls me how life is so short. I mean even though Dion's grandfather can't be any young, he just passed away, like that.
If life is really that precious, why do people regard their lives as a piece of garbage? Perhaps being suicidal is the obvious aspect of this, but there are others too.
For example, making yourself annoying.
Sometimes, we make mistakes, too many mistakes that we, ourselves, find it hard to rectify all of them. Some mistakes can be reversed with an apology, or an amendment. But there are some mistakes with consequences and scars that are permanent, they don't fade away no matter how we try to conceal them. The saddest thing is, we know the consequences of such mistakes, we still make them. The best part? More often than not, we are hurt as well.
If I were to die tomorrow, or even at the next hour, the next minute, the next second, I wouldn't want to. Because I know I'll die with regrets. To die without regrets is something everyone wants. They want to clear every misunderstanding they had in their lives; they wish to express gratitude to people who loved them; they wish to apologize to people whom they hurt. We all know, the chances of doing all of them are close to zero. But people still die without regrets, because at least their biggest misunderstand, the person who loved them the most, the person whom they hurt the most, have all been rectified.
Has mine been? I seriously don't think so. The irony is that the three aspects all relate to the same person. It's only now that I realized that I can't continue to delude myself that things will get better, because they just can't. Time to realize the reality.
Perhaps at the end of my life, I'll still die with regrets.
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I watched Jia You! Jinshun just now and I find myself so weird! I don't cry at the saddest parts of the show but I cry at the happiest parts. For example, today (the 2nd last episode), Jinshun and Zaixi got married. When each of them walked down the isle, snippets of their past encounters were shown. I can't stop crying during that part.
Because... I'm a copycat, I think. I mean they flash flashbacks then I reminiscence about my past with someone... something... or perhaps both. At that time, I don't know if it's how touching how Jinshun and Zaixi's love story was... or the mixture of sorrow and joy in those past memories that made me cry.
Perhaps it's not a very bad thing to live in the past while you move onto the future blindly. Sometimes, you'll realize it's the past that was really the best.
The past is history, the future is mystery.
I think I'm afraid of intruding into that enigma. Which is why the past feels so... warm and safe. Somehow, I know the future can't be as fantastic as the past. Perhaps it's just something in me, something that makes me afraid of the future, something that makes me prefer the past.
Memories... who put them at the top of the bookshelf, only to watch them fall from that highest point?
The naiveness of defeat... it was as if you have hurt me so deeply, perhaps there's no reason to fall in love, and even more so for farewells.
If everything now is just a dream, please I hope that I'll wake up from it, and end up in the past instead.
其实我爱你。。。
Listened to music @ 10:06 PM
