♥ Wednesday, August 08, 2007
Hello.
I just watched the 9pm show on Channel 8 just now, and there was this scene where a woman said,
"Very often, we think that we have put into a lot of effort and we expect reciprocals from other people. Actually, does it really matter? As long as we're happy, the reciprocal isn't necessary."
Indeed, I know my own faults, and one of them that bothered me the most was trying too hard. I am stubborn and persistent. That has caused me to get into deep shit sometimes. Fine, most of the time.
For example, I tried too hard to be protective. I tried too hard to make everyone around happy and even more so for some other people. But did it help? My concern for other people gets infiltrated with insensitivity, rashness and impatience, to an extent that I offend people, making them dislike me even.
For what do I do that? To garner more attention? To be recognized as a "nice" person? I get it now, I did it for selfish reasons. Although sometimes the concern is genuine, or maybe I'm actually magnifying the situation, I can't deny that I am fake.
Whatever that I believe I'm not, I am. Hypocrite, poser, attention-seeker, and all that.
The worst thing is, I'm not even happy in the end. After thinking through some stuff today, I realized that every day after school, I walk to the bus-stop alone. I wait for the bus alone. I board the bus alone. Even though there are people whom I know at those places, they don't talk to me; I don't talk to them.
I only realized now, how lonely I really am.
Is there supposed to be a reason for all these? Perhaps I am really a hypocrite-cum-poser, and it turns people off. What am I, really?
Ironically, such a feeling only spurs me on to seek more attention. The thing is, I believed I'm not attention-seeking, I believed that I don't steal the limelight. The truth is, I do.
It's a vicious cycle. The lonelier I feel, the more I try to seek attention. You see, I tried too hard again.
Is being resilient a good thing at all? Mr. Kwok always speaks of the virtue of resilience, determination and never giving up. In fact, they're labeled as good qualities, blah blah.
Sometimes, I feel that resilience killed me. There are so many times that I told myself, "If only I didn't try too hard..."
Why do humans always look back and regret? Is it necessary? Many a time I remind myself to look forward and just move on. But I can't. Because the more I try to do that, the more I'm hurt by my past mistakes when I face a setback.
Are we always sad? Humans are such forgetful creatures...
Of course, despite this seemingly sad life of mine, there are always rays of light here and there. I think that I should talk about one now.
Throughout my life, I never felt loved. It rooted from my family, then to fake friends. But Chien Teng was different. I am not being biased or anything but I feel that Chien Teng genuinely loved me. That sort of love that my family can NEVER give. Which was why I am so attached to him.
But, I tried too hard. I tried too hard in being nice to him that I tell lies. I became a hypocrite. It's not his fault; I tried too hard. I tried too hard in caring for him, just so that he can see that I am better than XXX. But now that I think of it, for what? At least I'm still his friend. But it really is too late, I still tried too hard, I still lied, I still said harsh things to him.
My weakness caused you pain.
I'm sorry. I really am. Perhaps you feel that this apology is useless but I really don't know what else I can do. Perhaps this apology isn't sincere, just like how I am; insincere bitch. But something tells me that I am truly sorry for pissing you off at times and trying too hard, harming (can't find a better word) you instead.
I don't know how you'll react in reading all these, because I don't know you. To quote two lines from Ayu's HONEY, "You know me more than I know myself," and "I know you more than you know yourself,". Sadly, only the former is true.
Now I know why I can't be XXX. I don't know you well, and I failed as a friend. I only know now that there is a reason why you're closer to certain people and not so to others.
Whatever it is, thank you, for pulling me through my sec2 life, which was supposed to be shit but it didn't because of you.
Destiny made us know each other but I defied Destiny. In the end, I killed myself. I really regretted not knowing you better and cursing you and all that, but I know that regret is futile. You know that too right.
I hurt myself, by hurting you.
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Perhaps I'll speak of other rays of light another day.
Listened to music @ 10:05 PM
