♥ Thursday, August 23, 2007
The sky now looks like a nice shade of purple. However, its color is really the only nice thing about it.
Sometimes, I don't know if I should blame my family or I for my lousy social skills. But we all know what they say about pushing the blame on others. It's BAD!
Anyway, I've said this a lot of times but it just keeps happening to me so I just have to keep blogging about it. I don't receive love from my family. Most people discover the mysteries, wonders and miracles of love from their family first, before it moves on to friends, then lovers. But for me, all I experienced was backstabbing, lies, abuse and coldness, all coming from my own family.
Which is why people who come from un-loving families are cynical and don't trust people too easily. I know I'm the former, and not much of the former. I've always doubted the genuine goodness of other people, because I thought I saw the goodness in my family members, only to realize it was all an illusion when they hurl insults and scratch (I know it's like a no big deal) me.
My father sang praises of me only because I was some top 3 in class when I was in primary 1 and 2. After that, when I didn't get the top 3, he just stopped loving me, I guess.
There are of course, many more examples of how I don't receive love from my family, and I'm too lazy to state every single one of them.
Anyway, good things do come by in my life of course. And it's towards people whom are extra nice to me, that I am extra nasty to them. I feel remorseful, I feel like an idiot, somehow I understand why I got such a family --- because I don't deserve to love and to be loved.
Sometimes, I get up in the middle of the night and start shedding a few drops of tears (I'm not lying... cos I know it sounds too dramatic) and I heard that if you cry in your sleep/dreams, your eyes will be extra full of um stuff in the morning, which I get, in generous amounts.
Of course, I don't really know if I'm actually crying in my sleep or anything, but why not? Haha.
Humans... always pretend in one aspect of life or another. For example, I am pretending to be happy every day, although I may be truly happy at times. Because, looking like you're unhappy, is labeled as 'acting emo' and what not to other people. I just don't wish to let more people hate me, and 'acting emo' seems to be a popular reason for hatred. Pretending to be happy is an easy task, cos you just have to stick on a smile all day long. But, it just gets tough when something sad happens, or you see a very sad thing right in front of your eyes, and you feel like crying but you need to hold back the tears, if not you're 'acting emo'.
Perhaps the next time you see me with a smiling/normal face, I may be heartbroken deep inside. Although there are so many times when I forced myself not to get jealous over minor things, I still do. In addition to jealousy is puzzlement and sorrow.
Recently, I've been watching videos of certain chinese songs and when you read the lyrics while watching the video, and listening, you'll cry. Because I did. There is one particular video that shows a scene which I've been doing for the past few days. Ask me for the song, if you're interested, that is.
Anyway, people always regret, and it's not after something has happened, it's when they experience the harsh consequences and they realized that it's too much for them, and they can't take it, so they hope against hope that everything will be back to normal, which is just impossible.
Ah yes, relationships are like chemical reactions. Some are reversible, and some are irreversible. This irreversible consequence... I really can't take much of the pain anymore.
Sometimes, knowing and understanding too much sucks. Because the more you understand, the more you're compelled to leave, due to varying reasons. If I didn't understand, perhaps I'd have just persisted.
The saddest thing is when... you pretend not to know me, and I pretend not to know you as well.
在你离开之后的天空
我像风筝 寻一个梦
Listened to music @ 11:49 PM
