♥ Friday, August 10, 2007
Life is all about reciprocals. Even though I stated in my previous post that sometimes, reciprocals don't really matter, our happiness is all it matters, without reciprocals, certain things just can never be done.
Very often, we regret a decision only after we experience what happens after.
Do you know how guilty-ridden I am now? Throughout the day, I've been questioning myself, "Would anything have changed if I didn't do that?" Logically, I know the answer is a yes, but I can't help but realize that the reality is, no matter how much I show that I care, albeit the impatience and negative aspects, you will never reciprocate. Perhaps it really was because of certain things that I shouldn't have said, or certain things that I shouldn't have done. Whatever it is, it's too late now.
Do you know that the feeling of indifference sucks?
Actually, I think you already know, because you have been through a lot. Still, it hurts me a lot to be treated so indifferently. I have sorted out the difference between lovers, friends, acquaintances, enemies and strangers. Sometimes I ask myself, "Am I even counted as an acquaintance?" Sometimes, it's a yes, sometimes, it's not even a no. That's right. At times, I feel like I am exactly like a stranger to you. Maybe I'm scared as well. Suddenly you'll talk to me, then suddenly I'm gone from your sight again. I'm scared if that's a signal to anything, I'm scared that I'll face another heartache again. I'm scared of all the possibilities that might happen. I'm scared that you won't accept me.
Is there a way to turn time back?
I just wish that I could go back in time now, so that I can amend myself, so that I can rectify my mistakes, so that I can not do what I did, so that I can not say what I said, just so that we won't start to drift apart. If I really can go back in time, perhaps everything would really have taken a big change. But, we all know it's impossible. What's done can't be undone, and we have already drifted apart, and there's already a barrier between us.
I never knew what my purpose in this world is, until I met you. I realized that I came to this world just to be with you.
I feel like trying my best to break that barrier but I'm afraid that I'll try too hard and hurt you again. I'm afraid that I'll be too persistent and piss you off again. Perhaps I really should leave, and stop forcing things on you. I'll just kill everyone in the end. Perhaps that purpose of life I felt is not what it really is. Just because I have feelings for you doesn't mean you need to reciprocate. Because, putting myself in your shoes, I know I'd have done the same as well.
At the end of the day, it all boils down to making a choice. No one is left without a choice. Because "I had no choice." is an excuse.
We really have the power to decide. To decide if we should continue to think about certain things, to decide if who we love now is really worth it, to decide who we want to talk to. No one can force us to do anything. And I think you made a right decision. The thing I'm most afraid of now is that although I may say that yes, I'll just forget about everything, I still can't, and that I'll do things in the dark to help you etc. It will be so pathetic if I do that. I mean, it's just pathetic.
Destiny is not perfect; he makes mistakes at times as well.
I always believe that Destiny has a book, which contains the names of every single human in this world, and he'll take each name and join other names with said name, making up family, friends and lovers. But sometimes, Destiny doesn't do it correctly. Sometimes, he'll make a mistake, and when the two people who are under this curse get together, they realize that it was all a mistake, and it's all wrong. I'm sorry for dragging you down; if I could I'd rather it to be all on me.
There is no greater fear than giving up.
Which is why I'm so freaked now! Cos I'm about to give up! Yes, that's right, give up. I shall not waste anymore time and move on, and find someone else. Please do not think that all these is a facade and that I'm still secretly in love with you, because that's not me.
Perhaps sometimes when we have made a change, the person we want to be aware of our change is oblivious to it.
Listened to music @ 10:07 PM
