♥ Friday, August 17, 2007
If I had a chance to meet us somewhere, I would tell them not to falter at the future.
Sometimes I just want to prevent. I think I've finally got it. More often than not, many things, people and events around us are just fated. For example, almost every morning, DK'd whizz past me during morning assembly but he wouldn't catch my long hair (which I'm gonna this Sunday), however other people are caught. Obviously, he isn't biased. I'd like to think that it's fated.
Somehow, in the process of deluding myself, I feel more comforted and happier. If the truth hurts so much, why not just delude yourself for a while? After all, you know it yourself if something is true or not.
Recently, I've decided to open up to more people in my class, because out of the 7 subjects we take, only 3, namely English, Chemistry and PE, which is so not a subject, so technically, only 2 subjects out of 7 subjects that my classmates and I are in the same class. The rest are split classes. Therefore, I think we're somehow just separated. Like some barrier.
But, something bad just has to happen eh. Let's call this person J. I like J a lot, and there's no reason for it. Anyway, I decided to sit next to J in class recently so that I can talk to him. He is well, very friendly to me and I felt that that's another true friend I'd make.
But it was all an illusion. Recently, we got the class photos, in which I was in-charge of collating orders. In one of the photos, he had this pose with another guy in my class. Let's call him C. So J and C were looking at each other very lovingly. J was unhappy about it cos he feels he has "lost face".
Anyway, I was talking with someone else at that time, who happens to sit next to me as well (J sits on my left). Let's call him P. So P and I just started to laugh and I laughed hysterically.
Suddenly, he shouted at me, "Stop laughing lah, fucking gay!"
Obviously, I laughed like that before as well. But he really doesn't say anything about it. So why the sudden outburst? I tried to understand that he was in a bad mood which was why he was like that but the more I thought about it, the more I realized --- he never really treated me as a friend anyway.
At that time, I felt worse than I ever felt for this whole week. The word "karma" surfaced onto my mind... wasn't I like that as well? Never appreciating the person who was the kindest to me, and losing my top to him... Now I got this same treatment, and it sucks.
Even if I were to apologize a million times, it wouldn't work, for I know even if J apologized to me, I won't want to reconcile with him as well. Sometimes, things you do to other people just come back to you so spontaneously.
Of course, besides J, there are other people who are like him as well, and they treat me like that as well.
For one, I have to say that Zen is one of the more truthful people towards me. Even though I do not know if he actually hates me or anything, at least he doesn't make himself appear like someone else in front of me, and only to unleash who he really is when he gets into a "bad mood".
And I'm like that as well. I know I'm not acting nice to him (not Zen), because I really like him. But in the times when I get into a bad mood, hating myself for the events that happened in my life, I'm not my usual self; I can't be gentle to anyone. But WHY? WHY is it that it's always my dearest person whom I hurt the most during such a time? Why?!
I guess karma decided to pay a visit to me, by letting someone else treat me the same way that I treated him. If I knew, how horrible and betrayed this feeling is... I would have never blew my top on him. Which is too late now...
What's the point of asking for another chance? Will he give it to me? Am I going to cherish that chance and make the best out of it? If my true self is as such, then being with him will just make him more upset.
I need him, so badly that I am a zombie now; living through each day with no direction. But it's not going to be a happy ending. And I'd rather be a zombie, than for him to be more upset.
Let the eyes be blind the scorch of jealousy; let the ears be deaf to the noise of lies.
I'm exhausted now; drained. Perhaps if there is a way to rectify everything, I'd definitely grab that way. Just too bad, there isn't such a way.
The clouds complement my mood these few days. They are all black and dark... and it rains as well.
When the best thing that ever happened in your life is destroyed by your very own hands, everything else just fails, I suppose.
I don't know how I'll continue from here. Maybe I should just give myself some space for the time being... to sort out certain things before I open up again.
Why am I so stupid? I can't even protect the hand I once surely held...
There are lots of stars
As if to fill the gap between thick clouds
They are shining like a prayer
Almost like a shout
And my chest is constricted
I hope the morning will come for me soon
Before I can't hide up my weakness
It's strange I feel so lonely at night
Only because you are not here
After how many times of committing a sin like this
Will I be inhuman?
Will I be invisible to everyone?
I find nothing in a place like this
Which I escaped and tumbled into
I rip my feelings off my heart
And stick a smile on my mask
Please take my away from here
Before everything becomes a memory
I felt I knew the meaning of love a little after I had met you
If I can finish my penance some day
If I'm forgiven some day...
But I have no right after all that
To tell the definition of happiness
Well, I know better than anyone else
That a happy ending never suits me
HAPPY ENDING - Ayumi Hamasaki
Listened to music @ 10:09 PM
