♥ Saturday, August 11, 2007
Confused? Depressed? There are probably many more feelings I should put down, but the truth is, I really don't know what I'm feeling right now.
Perhaps it's really true when they say that we only regret our decisions after experiencing the consequences. Or in this case, especially for me. I must say, I'm regretting everything I did now.
Things would definitely be different if I hadn't said that, or hadn't did this. Seriously, I am stupid for throwing away what could be the best thing that ever happened in my life.
You don't have to hate someone to leave him.
Chien Teng, I didn't rant and throw tantrums only at you. And it was all a misunderstanding. If such a thing happened, wouldn't most of us accuse the other party of ignoring anyway? Maybe a few would really analyze the situation and think otherwise, but those are a few. I didn't know you well enough to analyze the situation and derive something else, I suppose.
Maybe I am indignant about the whole thing right now, but I don't wish to remember the whole thing anymore. At the end of the day, I can't be of any good to you.
I know myself, and the troubles I bring to my friends. Being my friend doesn't do you good, because I have so many flaws. Impatient, fond of accusing, fond of assuming, harsh and insensitive, never thinking before speaking, hypocritical, and a burden.
There is no way that I can make you happy as well, because everytime I wish to do so, it turns out the other way round. I'm not good with words and expressing my emotions. I don't expect you to understand, and I don't expect your forgiveness. I don't expect anything now.
Perhaps the day when I started to be dependent on you, was the day I made the mistake. Honestly, you have not done anything wrong to me, nor have you done and said those things that everyone else in the world does. You are different from people I know, yet ironically, in spite of how well you treat me, or how fond I am of you, it turns out that I am just like everyone else, hurting and pissing you off.
One more day with me is hell to you. I don't know when will be the next time I might spurt out an insensitive comment, or accuse you of something. I'm rash and generally don't think at all. And because my weakness causes you pain, we need to come to an end.
Therefore, you did the right thing, in deciding that it's over for us. After all, there is no point in just staying when it will just kill you. But if you ask me, I really want you back; I'd give up everything, just to have you back. I'm contradicting myself, I know that. I mean I'm being a bastard by hurting you and deciding that things should end but then again I don't want it. Humans are... contradicting, always.
In order for you to realize your dreams, I can't be with you.
Perhaps I should have gotten signals when I realized that I am but your acquaintance, and our views are different, because you think that my speaking to you online is enough, but to me, a friendship can only be strengthened when we actually talk to each other in real life. You see, we have differing views and are just so different from each other that things just don't, and will never work out.
And to your blog post, yes I'm being biased. Because I do a lot of things to you that I never will do on other people, because I'm biased. And while you were pouring out your troubles, I never looked at anywhere else except for the conversation box. Perhaps it's a lie to you, but I know it's the truth. Also, if you think this post is supposed to be guilt-striking, or aiming or anything, it really isn't.
Today will be the last day that my life will have anything colorful in it.
Listened to music @ 11:40 PM
