♥ Friday, July 06, 2007
In life, we always come in contact with different people, emotions and events. One of them that made the biggest impact on me was love. Lovers, love, falling in love. People, emotions and events. I feel as if I've matured a little after each time I fall in love.
Different kinds of people whom I've fallen in love with, different kinds of love I've felt and under different circumstances. Whatever it is, I always end up the most crestfallen and upset about it.
That'll change, however.
Well, for one I'm sick of being near to someone I love and then getting scared all of a sudden. I hate that feeling, I'm sick and tired of it. If I don't love anyone in the first place, perhaps I'd never feel that in the first place?
Next, be it erotic love or romantic love or whatever love it is, I know I love wholeheartedly. And I'm sick of realizing that I'm just draining my life out each time I do that. I'm sick of that desperation for a reciprocal feeling. Sick and tired.
These few days, I've been thinking about my 3 years in Maris Stella. I thought about people I've come in contact with and what sort of a person I had been. I do understand that I am really annoying and hypocritical.
People call me stuff like "kind soul" but I think they don't really know me yet. I know I'm annoying, I know I'm a compulsive liar, I know I'm a hypocrite and I know I'm hate-able.
I don't and will never ask for forgiveness from those who hate me. Because I know I deserve every single ounce of their hatred. Although hate is a toxic, killing us slowly while we're totally in the dark out it; even if hate is totally removed from emotions, I don't expect them to be actually talking to me again. Because I know it's not their fault but mine.
That's why I decided to be Narcissistic and love myself. Because I'm most annoying to people I love and I'll never get annoyed by myself. It's the best way I can think of to keep everyone happy.
Great, in the midst of this, this happened.
[[ Daniel Leachey ]] says (10:28 PM):
wadever bf, u r sooooo over
[[ Daniel Leachey ]] says (10:29 PM):
and now u speechless
bf = best friend, F.Y.I
Perhaps friendship really is that fragile. Breakable with just a little agitation. And I always hear people saying how when trust is broken, it can NEVER be reversed. And people don't change really. I don't know about that. Perhaps we do change with time.
As time surges forward, people, feelings and events change. Will we lose ourselves while we struggle in the midst of time and space?
I'm really tired now.
I'm really exhausted at the hustle of life. What I really want now is to be somewhere quiet and serene with him... Now that's a little unrealistic.
I must stop daydreaming. I've thought a lot; I've come to my senses.
I'll just continue on this journey, trying my best to stay strong. After all, more often than not, it's the strength within myself that pushes me forward. Maybe, someday, things will be better. Maybe, someday, I won't feel like crying anymore.
I still feel sour inside seeing other people so close with him. That is still unrealistic right? I mean what do I expect anyway?
He gets a new life in somewhere where I'm lost; he walks freely in a world without me.
People get better without me; I get better with myself.
Narcissim is really beneficial for me. I know that myself the best.
I'm addicted to the taste of love. And love comes from myself as I love myself. Apparently I can only satisfy what I need and want by myself. I am the greatest, I am the most perfect! Because I make myself the happiest.
I shan't try to pursue happiness with other people and thus being an annoyance. If we're destined to be friends; we will be. Maybe it won't really take too much effort from anyone of us. I mean, if you wish to make friends with somebody and destiny allows it, you'll take the initiative and you'll be reciprocated. Things go smoothly and nicely. I was deceived by destiny sometimes, when friendships started off so well but went rocky.
I understand what destiny really is now. It is when we make relationships with other and it goes smoothly, like destiny is telling us "There, he is your friend."
Sometimes, trying too hard to make things happen is destructive. You kill other people as well as yourself. Therefore, what for?
Let go. Two simple words. But so difficult to put into action. Sometimes I wish I can just let go of certain people, certain memories. Maybe it'll be the second best way after Narcissim to make myself happy.
Just like how wrath and hatred are toxics that kill us unknowingly, the persistence to hold onto certain memories are toxics as well; killing us unknowingly.
Maybe come tomorrow, I won't even know who you are anymore. Because I've forgotten you. Whether you're buried deep inside my heart or plain erased, you won't be coming up anytime soon, right?
Be strong!
Listened to music @ 10:08 PM
