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♥ Saturday, June 30, 2007

Once again, I'm in wild thoughts and random thinkings again.

There are many things that I wish to do but before I do it, I keep asking myself, "Would he/she/it like it?"

There are too many things that I'm thinking about which makes me stop what I want to do. To be honest, I'm afraid of the reactions of other people. Plain afraid.

Where do I stand? What do I mean? Who am I? Why is it me? Can you answer everything with an answer that pleases me? But the truth often hurts and unfortunately, it does here, again.

I'll try to cover up sorrow with smiles and laughter. Perhaps in vain.

I've come to a stage where I realise how thin, fragile and fustrating friendship and love is.

Do I look like I enjoy huge companies and the center of attention? There are so many things I just want to do ALONE, or with at least someone I want. And what I want is what I won't get. Always. Talk about fairness.

Maybe I'm exhausted now, or plain confused, or plain depressed. I feel like writing.

Writing poems, lyrics, stories to express feelings I have that I fail to bring out in essays as such. Maybe I'll let you on if I actually complete any of those.

Whatever, I don't feel like saying anything.
Listened to music @ 11:49 PM

♥ Monday, June 25, 2007

Mm-hmm.

I guess you are right. There are alot of things which you mentioned that I know is correct, and should be amended. I'm going to change for myself and not because I wish to impress you once again.

Such foolish thoughts and ideas. To change "for you". Sometimes when people say 'I did it all for you.", I doubt their words. I finally realized that it's not worth it to change for anyone. Change for yourself. After all, you are the only person in this world who will never hate yourself. Ok, I know of people who hate themselves but those are the minority.

Anyway, I've decided to get a little more self absorbed and convert all these raging passion and love that I feel to... MYSELF!

Yes, I've decided to love myself like crazy. After all, everyone who I've loved ended up disliking me; perhaps it wouldn't be like that if I didn't love them. Well, I wouldn't get sick of myself and I won't disgusted by myself, therefore, loving myself will be the coolest!

I'll be a Narcissus; the God who fell in love with his own reflection and drowned while trying to "get" his reflection. Of course, I wouldn't get to that stage.

Anyway, I guess I've learned alot ever since I got into Maris Stella. Those points that I see... they'd be gone. Because finally, I'm doing it for myself, and not "for someone else".

Maybe I'm just lying to myself and that the truth is I'm still madly in love with someone else and not myself. Oh well, how pathetic. But, I'll still hold onto my theory; to love myself like how Narcissus loves him myself. Mind you, loving yourself takes alot of self-confidence. And I lack that! Shit! But I'll get through it, somehow. I'm sure of it; I believe in myself.

Today, on my way home, before I decided to passionately love myself, I was thinking about certain things which made me really emo and in a daze. Then... oops! I fell down. Usually, I'll get up immediately when I fall. But, somehow, I didn't. I sat there and cried. It wasn't because it was painful but I felt lost at that instant; like I don't know what I'm going to do anymore. Oh well, sucked it up and went home.

Then the Narcissus idea popped up in my head! Yes, I'll be Narcissus; vain, self-absorbed. Interesting.

You could say that I'm desperate for love but my rationale really isn't that. It's just that I'm afraid my emotions will go wild and I'll fall in love with someone else or still be in love with the was-current person. I don't want history to repeat itself; I'll stop it if I can. And I can, obviously. Which is directing passion to myself. Therefore, I won't love anyone else as in the romantic way cos the only person I'll be interested in is myself.

Egoistic? Selfish? Say what you want but this is the best way to me. By the way, loving trumpets will be a fantastic as well since they're metal and reflective; which means I can check my reflection. ;)

Now, it's time to buy a 3 panel mirror...
Listened to music @ 10:03 PM

♥ Saturday, June 23, 2007

Ok, I shall use Chinese for this post cos I find it easier to express what I feel NOW in Chinese. Btw, do forgive my weird Chinese.

“有缘无份”这易懂却深奥的成语，在此时此刻我终于有了领悟。唉。。。也许能够遇见你，认识你已是我一生中最完美幸福的一件事。曾几何时，我曾感到被珍惜，重视。也许你不知道，就因为你，我终于感受到如此的美妙感觉。


或许是一路盲目的去喜欢你，我忽略了一些事，一些关心，一些。。。一些不知明的原因。。。也许因为这样，我们渐渐疏远。对待彼此的心也渐渐变成冷漠的，冰冷的。。。其实我知道我不曾进入你心里的任何一个角落。不管何时我都是远远的被抛在“他们”之后。我对自己的‘资格’，一切心知肚明。。。或许我已对同样的结果感到麻木。但是，至少在过程中我曾感到快乐。

不时的我会自问：“难道我们的友谊如此薄弱？”。就连那么一张你送的票，你也不亲自给我。

如果犹如你所说的。现实生活中，每次的交谈都会成为众人的目光焦点。也许就因为这交谈，那些讨厌我的人，也会因此讨厌你。你不需要受到这种委屈，我明白。。。

虽然在虚拟世界中，我们总是谈笑风生，但是往往都有着第三者的存在。说老实话，我不断反复思考，若虚拟能变成真实该有多好。我知道一切不会是如此。

我会学习着释怀。对我来说就算在近的距离，你还是永远那么遥远，遥不可及。可能这一切乃人生旅途中的偶然相遇，这段结识也许是一种错误。对不起，我已连累了你。

望着那片空洞的天空，无法触摸到的空气，我已了解你已不在我身边。。。


Ok really weird the font size varies.
Listened to music @ 11:14 PM

♥ Sunday, June 17, 2007

When the gray clouds drift away
And the sky stops crying
I'll wake up to your voice
From my sleep, a little bit long

You calmly watched
The wings on my back
Waiting for the season to take off

"Let's go together across the blue sky
Looking down on the white sand beach
No need to have a serious talk
I need nothing except your smile"
You said so and smiled to me

lala lalalala lala

Words were not necessary
My place was always here

I murmured
"The sun is too bright"
And camouflaged the tears welling up

"Let's go together across the blue sky
Wherever we may get to
If you receive a wound
I'll give my wing to you"
You said so and cried a little

"Let's go together across the blue sky
Looking down on the white sand beach
No need to have a serious talk
I need nothing except your smile"

And I gave way to tears as well

lala lalalala lala
lala lalalala lala
lala lalalala lala
lala lalalala lala


Read the lyrics. Think about every line and then you'll realise, when was the last time such an innocent scene appeared? It's amazing how Ayu writes such songs that I generally classify under "fantasy" meaning it's so hard to make that come to life, right?

Love isn't something that can be mastered easily. As a person who had fallen in love (or so I thought) with like 5 guys, it isn't too fun after all. It's tiring and drains your energy.

After all, I cried like mad for two out of the five.

I'm starting to slowly take a step back and look into my past in hindsight.

What did I do? Who did I love? Why did I, if I did? Were there things that I shouldn't have done/said?

Needless to say, there were so many answers to all those questions.

Indeed, I've lived a life of regrets (wow I sound like I'm writing this in Heaven).

Oh well, they always say to look forward.

So...

"I'm always looking forward. I'll get stronger. If I'm by your side, I can become your strength."

Hopefully, I'll be a source of motivation for you, someday.

Oh well, I wonder really if anyone has lived a life without regrets before.

I mean, even something like how you could take an earlier bus every day to work so that you can get things done quicker is a regret. Well sort of, just that it's too minor to be taken noticed of.

Anyway, I perhaps have lost faith in love. May I find that Right One someday. Till then... let's say I'm married to a small thing made of metal and shrieks at me all the time. Haha, guess what it is.

So... I should say this one last time before I give it up at approx. 23 59 hours.

I LOVE YOU!!!

So good-bye lovers and love and everything that goes with it.

I should have done this a long time ago. Giving up only now seems a little too late. Ah.

Anyway, I don't expect myself to forget everything in a night. So of course, I'll be keeping myself busy.

Like I bought this Turtwig balloon from Action City and I blew it and it's so cute! So I'll be cuddling it lol.

And um of course, trumpeting and doing more Pokemon gaming research (cos I didn't care much last time).

Well whatever it is, without innocence comes love and with false and impulsive love comes extreme jealousy.

True love however... I don't know.

And if I do feel troubled, there's always water and liqour when I become of age.

Because I always believe that when you get wasted, you'll blurt all your inner troubles.

And by the way, it was so bloody cold just now at 7+ pm. So cold that I was murmuring SOMEONE'S name which is just plain lame.

Oh well. Just one more time, please.

I LOVE YOU!!!
Listened to music @ 11:04 PM

♥ Thursday, June 14, 2007

Everyone has their own reasons for their favourites.

Do you really believe/think that I like pink cos I'm gay?

Actually, pink rocks because it's so cheerful, bright and beautiful, something that I always find hard relating to. I mean it's so hard to be cheerful when you're feeling down, then you have to be careful that you won't look like you're acting emo when you're sad.

Different shades of pink also reflects different levels of my mood.

This pink means I'm feeling very horrible.

This one when I'm feeling all right.

There's no pink for a happy mood cos
1) I can't find a darker shade of pink here
2) I rarely feel happy

And it occurred to me how much mind is over matter. For example, in the solo in In Times Of Triumph (i-dyanmic or tits), I used to pressurize myself with weird scenarios of screw ups. And yesterday I repeated "I won't lose!" and I think it turned out much better than the previous times. Perhaps it still sucks to you, but to me, I know I've did my best. And I'll extend that best, of course.

Oh, by the way, I like purple and green too.

Purple gives me mystery (even more so than black.)

Green is just calm and it reminds me of gardens and flowers.

Colors, colors, colors. I think they can say alot just by being themselves.

I can say alot just by being myself too.

Which means, always contradicting myself, being muddle-headed, hot-headed, impatient, shooting my mouth off without considering the feelings of others, and many more.

Perhaps such traits are bad but sometimes I feel that this quote is true.

"You can't make everyone like you, you can only be more mindful of the people around you."

Which is why I try to lessen the intensity of those traits.

There might be alot of secrets about me no one knows, not because I'm conservative and not because I'm ashamed of them. But, just thinking about them, brings back horrible childhood memories and it's not so nice to be infiltrating them into your mind 24/7. That is why I don't tell them to anyone.

But of course, I'd tell them to someone, someone I know that I won't mind the rest of my life with. With the right time, place.

Oh well.
Listened to music @ 11:25 AM

♥ Tuesday, June 12, 2007

Hello.

If you've noticed, the pink I'm using now is much lighter, which means I'm feeling very upset now.

Firstly, interesting things in my family all the time ya.

Brother from hell, biased parents... haha.

Well, my brother sucks as usual and his prescene at home only makes things worse... considering that I can't practise my instrument at all with him around which is what I want to do so much.

My parents? Biased as always. My mother came back just now and scolded me cos I didn't open the window. Then she dragged in my studies and started raising her voice at me like I just murdered someone.

I mean, why does she always shout at me? She doesn't do that to my siblings so...? If she's having a bad day at her shop or something, then why must I be the one who she vents her fustrations on?

And something else that I can't, won't, and don't want to post/talk about lest controversy starts up.

All in all, I just feel wretched now. Perhaps all I really needed is my family to love and support me, especially in band. They don't understand, and it isn't anyone's fault.

Perhaps, if I was a little more knowledgeble, or somewhat a person whom can have secrets thrown on me, I wouldn't be saying Oh all the time. I want to help, seriously. And then it'll get translated into trying too hard? Where is the limit?

I'm at my wits end. I don't know what to do now, at all. Perhaps I'm feeling outright miserable and pent up inside. Those who listened to me have used another method so that I won't allow myself to sink into my misery. I'm hoping it helps?

I'm exhuasted and just emotionally exhausted.
Listened to music @ 10:55 PM

♥ Saturday, June 02, 2007

Today, in Alumni, I was totally stuck and stunned at the Disney songs. I mean I seriously couldn't play ANYTHING.

Looking around me, I realised that I really am the lousliest.

All my life, I've always heard sayings of great inspiration, words such as, "If you are weak, even better. You'll work so much harder because you don't want to be weak."

Or sayings like, "No rain, can't get the rainbow."

I don't know if I'm actually "working hard". I hate it when I see zero improvement when I practise. Is that impatience?

In fact, my defeatist attitude was so like strong that it actually made me have this desire to quit Alumni. Because sometimes I feel like I'm in a different world with them. I feel very distant, in terms of musicality with them.

I have... no sense of rythmn, a horrible tone, bad intonation and I am tone deaf, and um many more just that I can't remember them now.

"If you don't like your tone, no one else will."

I don't feel like giving in to all those flaws of mine. I mean everything stated above can be overcomed, that is if I have the desire to.

Then Fredy said this. (Well something like it)
"I don't want you to quit, I want you to improve."

I think that's what it is at the end of the day, isn't it? To improve and learn from our mistakes. Sure I may be like totally stunned at those Disney songs today but hey I was equally at Hanover Festival (lol at me getting lost in hindsight), With Heart And Voice, Cappadocia and all those. Now I can really play them, save Cappadocia which I don't think I suck as bad as a month ago.

The thing is, I'm not like stopping. I'm going to improve!

Music, like sports or anything else we do, needs practising and thus result in improvement.

I remember that post-exam activity day when Mr Kwok was mentioning about Albert Enstein. Something about him and the light bulb. So well I got his little question correct and I can't remember what my answer was. Well anyway he proceeded to say this.

"When I speak into the microphone in front of a group of people; I get butterflies in my stomach you know. But each time I do it again, I get better. You see gentlemen, you have to keep doing it to get better."

Yeah.

We have to keep doing it to get better.

Remembering when I first saw Hanover Festival last year and got LOST like LOST and then I needed to depend on my masterclass teacher, who actually shelled time after his lessons with us, to be able to get the gist of the song.

No more depending. No more, "oh I can leave it to XX." or "XX is not here... shit I can't play anymore!"

Yeah. So to sum this inspiration I feel. A song that best expresses it.

My pink Poketech shines
When you are lost, toss a coin
I'm always looking forward

I'll become stronger.
When I'm by your side, I can be your strength.

Instead of saying 'You can do it!', I want to say 'It's okay."
If you believe in your courage then, GO! GO! GO!

If it's with you then YEAH!
Together, STEP!
With a big JUMP!
Maybe you can fly there!

If it's with then YEAH!
Together, STEP!
For tomorrow we'll JUMP!
I'm not afriad of any mountain and any hill when I'm with you.
Running across, riding on the wind.
We'll get stronger!
Listened to music @ 10:47 PM