♥ Thursday, May 10, 2007
When someone has an abusive sibling, he usually has alot of scenarios happening to him when he grows up.
But 2, in my opinion, are the most common.
1)Thinking that violence and darkness is the only way to make people afriad of you, you'll be like your sibling and start terrorizing younger siblings or juniors or whoever who's younger than you.
2)Knowing what it's like to be abused physically and psychologically, you NEVER allow such gross behaviours to be conducted on yourself. Therefore you treat your younger siblings/juniors with more love and care.
I'm definitely not 1.
Ah, once again I had an encounter with my brother again.
After having lunch, he woke up from his "beauty" sleep.
Realising that we have eaten and he had not, he told me to buy lunch for him.
Firstly, I just settled down not long ago? Doesn't he have ANY consideration for my feelings whatsoever?
Secondly, he's not lame or blind or anything. Is it THAT hard for him to get his sloth ass down to actually do something for HIMSELF?
He's outrightly wasting my time.
I said no and I suggested that since he's going to watch a movie later might as well go out now and have lunch first.
Then he barked at me.
Saying I was stupid for giving that suggestion. And forcing me to buy lunch for him. (Well since wasn't he giving ANYBODY an option?)
In life, I think if it's fair at all.
But people always say, "Life is never fair."
Maybe they're right. Perhaps some people really get the shorter end of the stick.
Am I fortunate? Am I unlucky? I really don't know.
Ah, because I was always abused in such a way by my brother that I never knew how to say no and I became thick-skinned to survive and also learnt how to be a slave.
In front of everybody else, I always find it hard to say no. The truth is, I'm afriad that they'll abuse me like how my brother abuse me if I say no. That fear always strike me; in my mind, I never imagined that people can give others choices. I always thought we were all forced to do things.
Since I was young, I had been cheated by my brother numerous times. Am I naive, stupid, or innocent?
I learnt to steal because of him. I learnt to lie because of him.
Yet I still don't know why I trust people so easily, even though my brother is one of the greatest liars ever.
And because I'm gullible, having a everything-is-a-yes attitude, thick-skinned and actually best to be a slave, I wasn't a leader.
I was always afriad of scolding people, being fierce to anybody.
Because the haunting childhood...
I always believed that nobody in my family loves me. It was always my mother's biased towards my brother and my father's biased towards my sister.
Sometimes, being in the middle sucks. Like getting sandwiched all the time.
Sometimes, when I tell my mother things, she'd just yell at me for no reason. Seeing my brother showing worse attitudes and all that, all she did was to reason with him and cry in the end.
Is that unfairness?
I never believed that my family loved me.
I mean, firstly they suaned me about band and my playing skills. It's OK if others actually criticize badly about my playing, even to the point of exeggeration (which has never happened). But my family? Forget it.
I was raised up in an enviornment where I was always doubted for anything I believed in.
And that was why I fall in love with other people so easily.
I just like any one who treats me good. Even if that good doesn't seem so to other people. Because good to me is just so simple. Because my family was never good anyway.
Looking back in hindsight, I always thought how nice it would be if I could turn back time. Perhaps if I wasn't so provocative and all that, I'm sure things'd be different.
I couldn't trust my family, I always see them as different people from me.
Sometimes I actually convince myself that I'm not part of this family. Like perhaps they picked me up from some rubbish dump or something.
Of course, when I met the first person who showed me true love, to me that is, I was overjoyed.
When I felt like someone cherished me for the first time, I was overjoyed too.
But in the end, it was only a scam.
I don't know it was like that too. I could actually delude myself that whoever that person is was actually just lying.
The truth is, I know he meant it.
A thick-skinned, can't-say-no-to-anything slave.
I wasn't meant to be worthy for anybody.
If this world was divided into winners and losers, I'll be a loser. I was always a loser.
Now I'm not emo, I'm reflecting and connecting with my inner thoughts.
That person has always showed me peserverance and all that.
For once, I felt like a winner.
But good things always come to an end.
Euphoria is a blooming flower; so beautiful yet so transient.
A week or so ago, under the suggestion of Fredy, I asked my father if his company could advertise our concert.
He said, "No! Don't embarrass me!"
Haha. I thought they just hated band.
Me joining band was a disgrace to them. The truth was out.
Ironically, they FORCED me to join band in the first place. I want to join the archery club but my brother actually suggested band and my parents together with my brother FORCED me to join band.
I ended up loving band like anything. I really loved band and all its wonders.
But as always, my family's insults will never end.
If you have been reading my blog, remember the post where my brother insulted me when he found out that I am the SL?
It was always things like that reduced my self-esteem to zero.
I doubted my abilities. I have always.
I'm still alone.
Because I used to have somebody who would make me feel like I'm on the top of the world.
I'm still alone.
While I enjoyed (sort of) various band music, my family hated them.
While I see some of my band mates' parents attending our concerts, etc. I wondered why mine actually insulted me when I asked them to come.
"It's just a waste of money." That's what they say.
It's a waste to see their son on stage.
I get it.
But still, with all these, I never really confided into anybody.
Because almost everyone around me are people whom I can't trust.
I still believe one star that flew past me before. It is the most beautiful star that I have ever seen.
Too bad, it's gone.
Also, I just find it unncessary for people to give comments like "Aww..."
I don't need them. Battered with insults and hatred for 15 years, how can words like that make me feel better?
I feel like I'm contradicting myself by posting all these on my blog. But I treat this blog as my personal diary anyway.
Through it all, it has come to me that...
Maybe people sticked around me cos I am a slave.
I don't know who to point out excatly as my real friend.
In my heart, yes I know who he is.
I'm not going to say it.
When I got posted to Maris Stella, things were crazy.
In Sec1, I'm just ordinary.
In Sec2, it could be really really horrible but because of that star, it was the best year ever.
In Sec3 now, I feel wretched and beat down.
How much longer can I withstand my family's insults? How much longer?
When people look for friends who benefit them, I'd be the last on the list, even if I am a slave.
When people look for friends whom they can confide to, etc, I'd be the last on the list because I'm just annoying in the end.
I am always in search of solutions to change myself.
When I thought I did, something bad will always happen a week later, something just to prove to myself that I have not changed at all. That I am still a horrible person.
I don't see myself as nice or anything. Because if you can watch your star slip away from your hands and not do anything at all, how nice can you get?
And whenever I felt good, somebody else, will be better and be more important than me again.
As I listen to Ayumi's Dearest... thinking about everyone who is the dearest to me. I can only think of 5. And even so, 4 of them, I don't know them that well. The 5th one has already...
I'm not that strong in the end. When people are happy that I'm resistant to the insults of others, they don't know that I'm just used to the insults by my own family.
I remember that day so well. And I remember everything, how it started, how it ended.
To those 5 people whom I mentioned that popped up in my head while listening to Dearest, thank you guys so much.
To my Dearests, I love you.
It would be nice if
we could throw away everything
but what is most important;
Reality is just cruel
Whenever I close my eyes
you're there,
smiling
Ah- I hope your smiling face
is with me until the day
I fall into eternal sleep
Are all people sad?
They are forgetful creatures...
For that which you should love,
for that which gives love:
give it your all
Ah- when we met
we were so awkward
We've taken the long road;
we've hurt each other along the way
Ah- I hope your smiling face
is with me until the day
I fall into eternal sleep
Ah- when we met
we were so awkward
We've taken the long road,
but we've finally arrived
Dearest- Ayumi Hamasaki
Listened to music @ 8:29 PM
