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binaryface @bs.com


♥ Thursday, May 31, 2007

Heh.

Had Maths Remedial on Tues & Wed. Something struck me during the remedial.

7/8 of the class were really nonchalant.

I mean, why? We all got F9 for our A-Maths, right?

Seriously, just because you people got a F9 cos you were lazy doesn't mean everyone else is.

Or did you not bother cos the teacher was Mr. Wu? You mean you suck so much that you're only a dog infront of teachers of the likes of DK? Wow, what charactar.

Anyway, perhaps it'd be better if you people actually just skip the whole remedial? But you actually attended it only to wreak havoc. How lame.

I actually got so freaking annoyed that people were like making a fool out of themselves. I'm not even a serious person so that says alot, really.

Ah, forget about them.

Anyway, life has been pretty nice these days... so yeah. Band break on 13rd June... why?

Like lol we had this big break after our SYF and then barely about 2 weeks after we came back there's another break?

Oh well.

Anyway, for those who watch the Pokemon anime on youtube... lol Hikari's Pokemon are KAWAII!!! <3<3<3>
Pocchoma, cute penguin. <3<3<3

Aww isn't it like ADORABLE?

Mimiroru, cute bunny. <3<3<3

Okay, she's actually that bunny next to Pikachu, with the heart eyes. Oh she loves Pikachu too like lol.

Pachirisu, cute squirrel. <3<3<3

KAWAII-NE!!!
Listened to music @ 10:14 PM

♥ Thursday, May 17, 2007

Haha. One week since I've posted. I apologize for that emo post down there.

Anyway, wow guess what's up for SA1?

English
Paper 1:
Compo - 17/30
Situational - 15/30
Paper 2:
Compre - 10/25
Summary - 11/25
Total:
48/100

Higher Chinese
Not sure about the details but my teacher said.
49.5/100

Geography
SA1 Paper: 36/75
Which translates to...
48/100

E-Maths
Paper 1: 8/40
Paper 2: 23/60
Total : 31/100

A-Maths
SA1 Paper: 13.5/80
Which translates to...
17/100

Science
Physics: 20/85
Chemistry: 29/85
Which translates to...
29/100 in total.

Combined Humans
SS:
Part 1 - 8/25
Part 2 - 15/25
Total - 23/50
Literature
Part 1 - 14/25
Part 2 - 18/25
Total - 32/50
Grand Total - 55/100

So as you can see, I failed everything for Combined Humans. I wasn't mad about that.
I was mad that 3 of my subjects, English, Higher Chinese and Geography were at 48, 49.5 and 48 respectively. It's just 2 more marks or less to get a pass for those 3. ARGH!

I even told Xing Han when he told me my Higher Chinese marks that I'd "投海自杀".
Of course, I didn't mean it. But it was just plain infuritating.

Well, it's all over so like I don't think I can do anything to change the past.
There's still CA2 & SA2 so I guess I'll work harder for it!

English, Geog, HCL, Humans are passable to me so I should work more for them.

Heh, Irony. In class, my chem is like... good like I can actually follow up the work etc but in exams... 29/85, bleah. Judge it yourself.

Well, since I'm not so exuberant today, might as well talk about a song.

It's 楽園 or Paradise by CAVE. To those who don't know, it's the 3rd ending song of the Yu-Gi-Oh anime. Not that I'm crazy over the show... the song is nice.

Anyway, the song's using an analogy of a flower. How a flower starts from a fragile seed, susceptible to wind and bad weather, much like us when we started in our life; weak to insults and all those.

Then we bud and grow into a sprout. Ah, we're a little taller. Now, this to me is the most important stage; it's like our teenage years. How we really become who we are in the future, depends greatly on our friends, our environment, etc. We're wild, full of adrealine and reckless. Many a time, we come to regret certain things that we do.

But we all grow into a flower in the end; so gentle, beautiful. We are flowers now, strong and beautiful. Now, there are alot of different kinds of flowers; roses, tulips, rafflesia, etc.
What flower we grow into depends on what we have done and what has changed our thinkings when we were still a sprout. In the end, we can't just forget our lives as a sprout and just start life anew like that. Memories will always stay inside us and it's really hard to erase them. It's really hard.

But we have to remember again, flowers are so beautiful; so transient.

The unsetting sun rises endlessly
Can't it make the stuff about "dreams are dreams" end?
"Please don't throw it away easily", the bud that have started to bloom
In your opened hands is a....."secret paradise"
A straight rail and a treacherous route
Whether you'll go or not, it's all of yourself
I'm already fed up with counting on my fingers inside the cage
Respect! Boys, show me your bluffs
Even if you're clumsy, sketch the map
And then, let's walk without stopping
The unsetting sun turns what's impossible into possible
And dreams won't speak of themselves
"Please don't bury it alive" the desire germinating
Lurking in the depths of the sprout is a....."secret paradise"
A good-feeling beat and a rusted rhythm
Whether you'll let them live or kill them, it's all your freedom
I'm already fed up with licking clean the candy that I got
Respect! Girls, guard your fears, we don't need faked smiles anymore
So let's laugh without being poisoned
If the unsetting sun became more like you
Turn your unfreedom into freedom and overcome common sense
"Feels like you wanna believe in yourself," you have gotten lost on paths
But hiding in your chest is a..."secret paradise"
"For how long are you going to have endless dreams?" to what point are you let yourself pass by...?
young voice never give up, more than what God thinks
The miracle will continue on more and more, right...?
楽園 - CAVE
Listened to music @ 5:13 PM

♥ Thursday, May 10, 2007

When someone has an abusive sibling, he usually has alot of scenarios happening to him when he grows up.

But 2, in my opinion, are the most common.

1)Thinking that violence and darkness is the only way to make people afriad of you, you'll be like your sibling and start terrorizing younger siblings or juniors or whoever who's younger than you.

2)Knowing what it's like to be abused physically and psychologically, you NEVER allow such gross behaviours to be conducted on yourself. Therefore you treat your younger siblings/juniors with more love and care.

I'm definitely not 1.

Ah, once again I had an encounter with my brother again.

After having lunch, he woke up from his "beauty" sleep.

Realising that we have eaten and he had not, he told me to buy lunch for him.

Firstly, I just settled down not long ago? Doesn't he have ANY consideration for my feelings whatsoever?

Secondly, he's not lame or blind or anything. Is it THAT hard for him to get his sloth ass down to actually do something for HIMSELF?

He's outrightly wasting my time.

I said no and I suggested that since he's going to watch a movie later might as well go out now and have lunch first.

Then he barked at me.

Saying I was stupid for giving that suggestion. And forcing me to buy lunch for him. (Well since wasn't he giving ANYBODY an option?)

In life, I think if it's fair at all.

But people always say, "Life is never fair."

Maybe they're right. Perhaps some people really get the shorter end of the stick.

Am I fortunate? Am I unlucky? I really don't know.

Ah, because I was always abused in such a way by my brother that I never knew how to say no and I became thick-skinned to survive and also learnt how to be a slave.

In front of everybody else, I always find it hard to say no. The truth is, I'm afriad that they'll abuse me like how my brother abuse me if I say no. That fear always strike me; in my mind, I never imagined that people can give others choices. I always thought we were all forced to do things.

Since I was young, I had been cheated by my brother numerous times. Am I naive, stupid, or innocent?

I learnt to steal because of him. I learnt to lie because of him.

Yet I still don't know why I trust people so easily, even though my brother is one of the greatest liars ever.

And because I'm gullible, having a everything-is-a-yes attitude, thick-skinned and actually best to be a slave, I wasn't a leader.

I was always afriad of scolding people, being fierce to anybody.

Because the haunting childhood...

I always believed that nobody in my family loves me. It was always my mother's biased towards my brother and my father's biased towards my sister.

Sometimes, being in the middle sucks. Like getting sandwiched all the time.

Sometimes, when I tell my mother things, she'd just yell at me for no reason. Seeing my brother showing worse attitudes and all that, all she did was to reason with him and cry in the end.

Is that unfairness?

I never believed that my family loved me.

I mean, firstly they suaned me about band and my playing skills. It's OK if others actually criticize badly about my playing, even to the point of exeggeration (which has never happened). But my family? Forget it.

I was raised up in an enviornment where I was always doubted for anything I believed in.

And that was why I fall in love with other people so easily.

I just like any one who treats me good. Even if that good doesn't seem so to other people. Because good to me is just so simple. Because my family was never good anyway.

Looking back in hindsight, I always thought how nice it would be if I could turn back time. Perhaps if I wasn't so provocative and all that, I'm sure things'd be different.

I couldn't trust my family, I always see them as different people from me.

Sometimes I actually convince myself that I'm not part of this family. Like perhaps they picked me up from some rubbish dump or something.

Of course, when I met the first person who showed me true love, to me that is, I was overjoyed.
When I felt like someone cherished me for the first time, I was overjoyed too.

But in the end, it was only a scam.

I don't know it was like that too. I could actually delude myself that whoever that person is was actually just lying.

The truth is, I know he meant it.

A thick-skinned, can't-say-no-to-anything slave.

I wasn't meant to be worthy for anybody.

If this world was divided into winners and losers, I'll be a loser. I was always a loser.

Now I'm not emo, I'm reflecting and connecting with my inner thoughts.

That person has always showed me peserverance and all that.

For once, I felt like a winner.

But good things always come to an end.

Euphoria is a blooming flower; so beautiful yet so transient.

A week or so ago, under the suggestion of Fredy, I asked my father if his company could advertise our concert.

He said, "No! Don't embarrass me!"

Haha. I thought they just hated band.

Me joining band was a disgrace to them. The truth was out.

Ironically, they FORCED me to join band in the first place. I want to join the archery club but my brother actually suggested band and my parents together with my brother FORCED me to join band.

I ended up loving band like anything. I really loved band and all its wonders.

But as always, my family's insults will never end.

If you have been reading my blog, remember the post where my brother insulted me when he found out that I am the SL?

It was always things like that reduced my self-esteem to zero.

I doubted my abilities. I have always.

I'm still alone.

Because I used to have somebody who would make me feel like I'm on the top of the world.

I'm still alone.

While I enjoyed (sort of) various band music, my family hated them.

While I see some of my band mates' parents attending our concerts, etc. I wondered why mine actually insulted me when I asked them to come.

"It's just a waste of money." That's what they say.

It's a waste to see their son on stage.

I get it.

But still, with all these, I never really confided into anybody.

Because almost everyone around me are people whom I can't trust.

I still believe one star that flew past me before. It is the most beautiful star that I have ever seen.

Too bad, it's gone.

Also, I just find it unncessary for people to give comments like "Aww..."

I don't need them. Battered with insults and hatred for 15 years, how can words like that make me feel better?

I feel like I'm contradicting myself by posting all these on my blog. But I treat this blog as my personal diary anyway.

Through it all, it has come to me that...

Maybe people sticked around me cos I am a slave.

I don't know who to point out excatly as my real friend.

In my heart, yes I know who he is.

I'm not going to say it.

When I got posted to Maris Stella, things were crazy.

In Sec1, I'm just ordinary.

In Sec2, it could be really really horrible but because of that star, it was the best year ever.

In Sec3 now, I feel wretched and beat down.

How much longer can I withstand my family's insults? How much longer?

When people look for friends who benefit them, I'd be the last on the list, even if I am a slave.

When people look for friends whom they can confide to, etc, I'd be the last on the list because I'm just annoying in the end.

I am always in search of solutions to change myself.

When I thought I did, something bad will always happen a week later, something just to prove to myself that I have not changed at all. That I am still a horrible person.

I don't see myself as nice or anything. Because if you can watch your star slip away from your hands and not do anything at all, how nice can you get?

And whenever I felt good, somebody else, will be better and be more important than me again.

As I listen to Ayumi's Dearest... thinking about everyone who is the dearest to me. I can only think of 5. And even so, 4 of them, I don't know them that well. The 5th one has already...

I'm not that strong in the end. When people are happy that I'm resistant to the insults of others, they don't know that I'm just used to the insults by my own family.

I remember that day so well. And I remember everything, how it started, how it ended.

To those 5 people whom I mentioned that popped up in my head while listening to Dearest, thank you guys so much.

To my Dearests, I love you.

 It would be nice if
we could throw away everything
but what is most important;
Reality is just cruel

Whenever I close my eyes
you're there,
smiling

Ah- I hope your smiling face
is with me until the day
I fall into eternal sleep

Are all people sad?
They are forgetful creatures...

For that which you should love,
for that which gives love:
give it your all

Ah- when we met
we were so awkward
We've taken the long road;
we've hurt each other along the way

Ah- I hope your smiling face
is with me until the day
I fall into eternal sleep

Ah- when we met
we were so awkward
We've taken the long road,
but we've finally arrived

Dearest- Ayumi Hamasaki
Listened to music @ 8:29 PM

♥ Saturday, May 05, 2007
Listened to music @ 9:10 PM

♥ Friday, May 04, 2007

Sometimes when you want to hold on but it hurts so bad...

I've realised how everything around me has changed, including myself.

The people I knew, are they people I know?

We all seem to have changed so much that we lost ourselves back then.

We ran across the beach in the summer days, laughing with innocence.

I just want to hold on while I still can; time is running short.

But I'm still so afriad, afriad of what might come again.

I don't want history to repeat itself.

That gap seems to be getting bigger every day.

How long is it going to be before you slip away from my hands?

I really want to go back in time again.

Since when have I lost something, only to find it back again?

Chances like that don't come too easily, do they?

Ah, in hindsight; looking back.

I regret it.

Just barely two months and I know I can't walk back like nothing has happened.

Something HAD happened.

I don't feel like I can go back again, can you give me a sign?

Your smile has taught me that we're now in the closest place to Forever.

But is it true? Because of decisions you have made, because of people that changed your life, I can't be who I was.


I suppose Destiny is giving me a sign. A sign to just stop and give up. Perhaps what's not meant to be was never meant to be. Still I'm being a fool cos I'll only stop trying. I can't stop this undying love.


I'm thinking, I'm thinking.


Somedays, I just keep pretending that you're dreaming of the same fariytale ending as I.

I wanna hold on but it hurts so bad.

I guess I can't keep something I never had.
Listened to music @ 11:16 PM

♥ Thursday, May 03, 2007

Ok like who hates it when you're accused of something?

For one thing, I DON'T.


My mother said I didn't study just now during dinner.


Um, how would she know when she was out with her friends doing God knows what? I have been studying from 2pm until well now. That's almost 8 hours bloody hell. YES. She went out for such a long time too.


I just detest it when people say something like "Oh you must have...".

Shut the fuck up. Do you really know what's going on? Do you know the whole story? Do you even know ANYTHING?

Do you dare to say yes?

Actually you wouldn't.

People jump to conclusions and assume all the time. Yours sincerely included. Well sometimes that is.

Generalization, sterotyping. When will they stop?
Listened to music @ 9:42 PM

♥ Wednesday, May 02, 2007

Ok, here's a song I really like. And for those who're really feeling low, read the lyrics. It's really inspirational and it's somewhere good to draw strength from.

Try to wait a while, anyone is
Totally different from yesterday
Try to look for a while
Even the silhouette of the side of your face is mature
Wait [you],
Your wish to make excuses can be understood
Because if the world is like this,
Nothing's is going to get done
Right!  The good breeze
Now!  want to breathe
Can't be helped, can't be helped
Tomorrow my wind will blow so
Keep the doors in the world open
Tomorrow my wind will blow so
Your cowardice
Will [be] be blown away completely
A gorgeous life!
And if it's decided now
Courage can be gained slowly
And from now on, anywhere can
Be  traveled next to next 
And start running now
Think later
Because if the future is like this,
It'll become a dull color
Right!  The good melody
Now!  want to sing
Can't be helped, can't be helped
Tomorrow my wind will blow so
The hearts in the world will be rainbow colored
Tomorrow my wind will blow so
Your sadness
Will be be blown away completely
A gorgeous life!
Right!  The good melody
Now!  want to sing
Can't be helped, can't be helped
Tomorrow my wind will blow so
Keep the doors in the world open
Tomorrow my wind will blow so
Your cowardice
Will be be blown away completely
A gorgeous life!

明日わアタシの風が吹く　－　AiM

Anyway, this is really an inspirational song lah. Ha. Just remember, what's life without obstacles?

Tomorrow my wind will blow!

XOXO
Listened to music @ 4:47 PM