♥ Monday, April 30, 2007
All right. I had another quarrel with my brother just now.
This time, I really felt like dying.
He is a bloody fucking hypocrite. In case you don't know, he acts like an angel infront of friends and teachers and is the fucking bastard in the house.
"I quitted band. So what? At least I'm still in the prefectorial board. I still get my CCA points! You're just stupid and have no common sense. Whole day only know how to suck up to your seniors, and in the end, what are you? You are still a recruit! You're not in the exco; you're not the SL, you're just stupid and useless! *After showing him the band blog* Oh you're just the SL because you are a Sec3. But of course your ASL is OBVIOUSLY much better than you, and he'll take over soon! I'm sure everybody in the band despises you."
That was the breaking point. I know I've not been a really nice person and I know almost everybody in the band hates me at this point. I'm trying to change. I'm trying to be less hateable and things like that come up. I mean how can I disagree anything with what he said? I know Nicholas Chew, as the ASL, has much better playing skills than me. Up till now, I still don't know why I'm the SL. Has my brother proved the point?
He also said "You can't even play a song!" I can, OK? I can, I can, I can! But no one would know, and I know I'm still that weak and lousy trumpeter. So many times, I tell myself, "Yes, I'm good!" But it's always things like those that make me face the truth.
I'm finding it so hard now not to give up, to improve, to change. I need help. I need help. God please help me, I'm really lost now.
I also said he's a hypocrite cos he acts like an angel infront of his friends and teachers but his whole family knows very well that he's a bloody bastard. Guess what was his reply to that?
"I am a hypocrite, so? At least I'm a hypocrite with sense. I know what to do to get my gains and benefits. I don't suck up to my seniors to only end up as a nobody in the band. I'm in the prefectorial board and I am better than you. You are just fat and useless."
After bringing up some old matter, he slapped me before saying, "Oh please don't bring up about XXX*. I'm talking about how fat and useless you are. Don't try to make things better for you."
* If you want to know what XXX is, ask me on MSN. Oh ya he also said this.
"Do you think I care? You can tell the whole world about XXX but so? You can tell even tell my friends; they'll just laugh (prolly means his friends are fuckers like him too)! If I earn 5K each month, do I care? I still get my gains!"
And all these while, Mr Kwok's words kept surfacing up.. like "You may pass your exams but if you can't pass the test of Honesty, you'll end up being a dishonest person."
That's what I feel like now. Like how that bloody fucker is just a hypocrite no matter what. He sucks. Big time.
I mean, when I look at people whom I thought were all out to bring me down; like Ken. It just dawned on me that what they say is always something I can learn from. In the end, I take it that they're trying to help me. I can't feel that from my brother. I know he insults me for the sake of it.
I don't know what do now. Give up? Or prove to him that I'm not what he says?
I don't know; I don't have the strength anymore.
Somebody, please help me.
Listened to music @ 5:43 PM
