♥ Saturday, August 12, 2006
I will not make the same mistakes that you did
I will not let myself cause my heart so much misery
I will not break the way you did
You fell so hard
I've learned the hard way
To never let it get that far
Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid
I lose my way
And it's not too long before you point it out
I cannot cry
Because I know that's weakness in your eyes
I'm forced to fake
A smile, a laugh everyday of my life
My heart can't possibly break
When it wasn't even whole to start with
Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid
I watched you die
I heard you cry every night in your sleep
I was so young
You should have known better than to lean on me
You never thought of anyone else
You just saw your pain
And now I cry in the middle of the night
For the same damn thing
Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I try my hardest just to forget everything
Because of you
I don't know how to let anyone else in
Because of you
I'm ashamed of my life because it's empty
Because of you
I am afraid
Because of you
"Because Of You" Kelly Clarkson from the album "Breakaway"
Am I born into this family to be deprived of my dreams? Am I to live, overshadowed by materialistic stuff like academics? My purpose in this life is to fufill my dreams and be happy, but sadly, my family is not allowing me of the space I want, the space for my wings to spread, so that I can fly...
When I wanted to choose my CCA in sec1, who was the one who pushed me to join band? Not me, I wanted to join Archery Club, but it was you, my dear parents who pushed me to join band, and now I've grown attached to band and love it to the core, you complain to me that the practice times are too long and what now? You want to pull me out? It's not going to be that easy for me to break my ties with MSSB. You are so anti-music, do I actually get the time to practice my trumpet? Do I actually get to even touch my trumpet? I can only practice when no one is at home. Why? Cos I am the only person in my "home" who likes music! I can't even be enthusiastic in my music. When I said that I wanted to take masterclass lessons, what did you tell me? "You don't have the talent, what is the point of practicing so hard, waste your money on such stuff, isn't it better if you study hard and get good results?" No! I am not happy at all! Even if I get As for everything, would I be happy? I will only live in regret that I did not pursue my dreams of music, sitting at the office from 9 to 5 is not for me. And now what? I have to take masterclass lessons sneakily, getting straight to Pasir Ris from school rushing there, when I could do it on a weekend, paying everything myself, scrimping and saving when you could just pay for me. Your materialism deprives me of my dreams and passion.
And everytime you quarrel, why do I have to be the one for you to complain and cry to? Why can't you find brother/sister? Why is it me? I am not a professional councilor, I can't help you either, so stop whining and crying and complaing and get off me! I cry for nights, wishing things will go away, wishing that you would understand me more and actually realise that music, is what I want to do. To realise that I am hiding away, crying, cursing myself, blaming myself, everytime you quarrel. You vent your anger on me, you treat me like a punching bag. Do you realise how unfair I felt? Did you realise my pain and wrath and torment? How much do you know about me?
It's not as if we are poor, it's not as if you are quarreling over extra-marital affairs, c'mon you are quarreling over the stupidiest things, the most childish things, I'm sick and tired of this, I want it to end, it's not my fault that you are "suffering", it has nothing to do with me at all.
I've gotta pay for my handphone, my Zen, my everything with my own money, oh God I feel like I'm working for myself, my parents are just there to provide me with a roof above my head, my daily needs. Where is the love? It's more to me like obligation that you are taking care of me.
Everyday, I feel empty and dark inside, I have some seniors who already really hate me and like that is tiring enough, things have gone quiet which is good but why does my family matters brew up again? Why can't my two greatest obstacles in my teenage life just end like that? Why do they have to keep re-surfacing? Why can't they just stop?
Life is not a bed of roses, but my life is. Roses without petals, just the stalk that pricks my heart everyday.
S.O.S, please someone help me, it's not healthy for me to keep this inside, Y.O.U are making this hard.
Breakaway, to able to spread my wings and fly out of this "home" of mine.
If I ever become a father (of course I would, I love kids), I would never deprive my children of their love and dreams like you do.
They say a home is a sanctuary of children, a place where they learn everything first, but no, MSSB is where I treat as my home, my seniors are whom I regard as parents and siblings, why do they weigh more than my "home"?
If I had just one tear running down your cheek
Maybe I could cope maybe I'd get some sleep
If I had just one moment at your expense
Maybe all my misery would be well spent
Yeah....
Could you cry a little
Lie just a little
Pretend that you're feeling a little more pain
I gave now I 'm wanting
Something in return
So cry just a little for me
If your love could be caged, honey
I would hold the key
And conceal it underneath the pile of lies you handed me
And you'd hunt those lies
They'd be all you'd ever find
And that'd be all you'd have to know
For me to be fine
Yeah....
And you'd cry a little
Die just a little and baby
I would feel just a little less pain
I gave now I'm wanting
Something in return
So cry just a little for me
Give it up baby
I hear your're doing fine
Nothin's gonna save me
I can see it it your eyes
Some kind of heartache
Darlin give it a try
I dont want pity
I just want what is mine
Yeah...
Could you cry a little
Lie just a little
Pretend that your're feeling a little more pain
I gave now I'm wanting
Something in retrun
So cry just a little for me
Cry just a little for me
Could you cry a little for me?
Cry just a little for me
"Cry" Faith Hill from the album Cry
I gave so much to this family, sacrificed so much, is it too much to ask you to cry for me?
Jun Xiang blogged on Saturday, 12th August, 2006, 23 20 hours.
Listened to music @ 11:26 PM
