Forbbiden Love

New blog

2008-11-08T22:10:00.001+08:00

Hey guys, I've relocated to http://www.binaryface.wordpress.com but you can still tag at this blog's tagboard. Have a nice day, everyone.

Fly high

2008-11-07T20:56:00.004+08:00

"I've never actually understood
And I've been pretending to understand everything"

Fly high - ayumi hamasaki

"From the moment these feelings overflowed
Before our fingers ever touched
I became aware of this love"

GREEN - ayumi hamasaki

---

Today's Lit paper is SO FUN! I love doing Lit omg, I just poured all my emotions onto my essays... omg!

I love my answer for Section A! First time I wrote 4 sides (2 pieces of paper)... omg! And I really like what I wrote lah... I LOVE LIT!

The night spent studying on Lit was soooooo worth it! It feels good to actually KNOW quotes and putting them down on the answers... lmao.

Ah, last paper on Tuesday! Science MCQ! After that, O' Levels are finally over and whatever... just do stuff throughout the next few months and hopefully get good results so that I get into SAJC... I want to major in Lit!

Anyway, I really like penguins! They are my favorite animals after cats... penguins are so cute! You know the movie Madagascar? The penguins in there are SO adorable! I feel like pinching them and hugging them all day long!!!

Omg, just so cute!

And you know their leader, Skipper, the penguin at the front... he says this SUPER FUNNY line in the movie...

Like when they landed on Madagascar, and the hippo asked, 'Where are all the people?'

Then Skipper was like 'We killed them and ate their liver.'

Then the hippo was all O.O

And Skipper said, 'Gotcha there, didn't I?'

HILARIOUS!

And OMG another adorable penguin!

Hahaha I feel so happy now...

---

"It's all right for us to sometimes think
That we live to be happy
Someday, isn't it?
Even though we have come to know
All the things reflected in our eyes are not beautiful"

immature - ayumi hamasaki

"At the moment the wind changes
Before I can see my loved one
I wonder if I should say how I feel"

GREEN - ayumi hamasaki

Beautiful Fighters/Startin'

2008-11-06T22:07:00.003+08:00

"We are Beautiful Fighters
To be honest
There were some terrible days
But the girls who live
Without stopping nor giving up are
Beautiful Fighters
The unhealed wounds
Sometimes open
But shut again in time"

Beautiful Fighters - ayumi hamasaki

"From the moment these feelings overflowed
Before our fingers ever touched
I became aware of this love"

GREEN - ayumi hamasaki

---

You are going on your own way, and so am I. And fighting against this parting of directions is just addition to my agony...

Anyways, today's Geog Paper 2 can be summed up in one word - EASY!

I can't be believe how easy the paper was! The two questions I did were ALL about describing trends on graphs... so easy! But the level marking questions... heh, screwed. But I'm still happy. Happy that the paper is still easy. Happy that tomorrow is Lit. Happy that O' Levels are gonna be Over soon.

Tomorrow's Lit... FULLY PREPARED! In the past, I never ever studied for my lit before, and that's why I always get 14-15/25 for my Seen section... because I don't put in quotes. Now, I finally have quotes, should be able to get A1 for seen! And as for unseen... time management is key. Somehow, I never finished my unseen poem before.... resulting 15/17-ish/25... I need to get A1 too. As high as possible! To make up for the Trauma that SS caused!!!

I feel so happy now omg!!!

For a better tomorrow!

---

"There is no answer
No matter where you search for it
But you will never have
This moment again in your life
If you have decided to believe in yourself
Accept the answer
Even if it's different from your ideal"

Startin' - ayumi hamasaki

"At the moment the wind changes
Before I can see my loved one
I wonder if I should say how I feel"

GREEN - ayumi hamasaki

STEP you/Ladies Night

2008-11-05T21:07:00.003+08:00

"The gestures you casually show me
In our idle conversations
Even if I don't intend to remember
Some part within me
Wow wow oh no no no no
Remembers them well
YOU and ME"

STEP you - ayumi hamasaki

"From the moment these feelings overflowed
Before our fingers ever touched
I became aware of this love"

GREEN - ayumi hamasaki

...

There are a lot of things that I don't understand, but I'll try to; I'll force myself to. Some things are not easily explained by a simple explanation, nor can I always look at a matter at its most positive result.

Perhaps I could be in the past, but not anymore.

I don't understand why you still block me.
I don't understand why you hate me so much.
I don't understand this.
I don't understand that.

But I'll try to. I'm going to force myself to understand. Even if at the end of the day, I still don't understand, at least I can pretend that I do understand.

It's tiring to always feel sad and depressed, it really is... I'll just try to be happier. Even if at a moment, I feel upset, I should pretend to feel happy. I don't know why I have to do this, but it doesn't matter, does it?

As long as you think that I'm happy and going on well and fine without you, then it's okay. I mean I guess you wouldn't bother if I'm dead or alive, but at least I try to display myself in front of everyone as being able to move on.

I know myself well, so I'm sure something will change one of these days.

You know, before I slept yesterday night, while lying on my bed, I was just reminiscing. I'm kind of taken aback by how many scenes were replaying in my memories... It's just, I really don't understand, but I have to.

No matter how many, "Why?"s I have in me... I can only bury them, and continue walking.

Take it that I don't care, or that I want to escape from reality... I just have this huge juxtaposition in my mind right now.

Run... run... run.

---

Today was HCL! Nothing to say except the paper is super easy. kthxbai. I'm worried for human geog tomorrow. My human geog always sucks more than my physical one...

---

"I can't think it's someone else's problem
Though we understand in our minds
We repeat the same mistakes
In other words, we are always blind"

Ladies Night - ayumi hamasaki

"At the moment the wind changes
Before I can see my loved one
I wonder if I should say how I feel"

GREEN - ayumi hamasaki

Bad Day

2008-11-03T20:57:00.004+08:00

"Even in the middle of such a gray city
Where you can hardly hold yourself together

Don't laugh so weakly
With a resigned look
As if to say 'Such is life'"

About You - ayumi hamasaki

"From the moment these feelings overflowed
Before our fingers ever touched
I became aware of this love"

GREEN - ayumi hamasaki

...

Today is a bad day.

So it was SS today... SEQ and SBQ were both easy to me, just that the way the questions were phrased in SBQ took a while to digest... thus making me spend 1 hour 15 min on it.

I was only left with 15 min for my SEQ.

And I didn't finish it.

I didn't do my part b) for SEQ at all. 13 marks gone. Just like that.

I wish I would have done SEQ first... it was so much easier to comprehend... than the SBQ...

Hahaha for the past few papers, I've been thinking that I would be able to get into the school that I want to, because I'm really confident for my papers, barring Maths.

Now... maybe, or most likely, I will be doing very well. An ominous feeling. Above 20 points I guess. Retribution? But for what? I don't know either.

I'm feeling very demoralized now. But once again, I know again that I will feel all right the next day.

I wonder if it's because of my ability to bounce back after each adversity that people think it's okay to disturb me. Supposing that I am a weakling who stumbles and never gets up after a fall, will people start to sympathize with me? Will people finally start leaving me alone? Will people finally start showing concern to me?

I'm sick of this 'I'm independent' mindset sometimes. Sometimes I wish I wasn't so independent. Sometimes I wish I wouldn't be walking home/waiting at the bus stop alone and thinking, "It's all right." Sometimes I wish I could be a super cool joker to get everyone's attention, and have everyone to be my friend.

Sometimes, I...

I don't belong in any clique in my class, but I belong in every clique in my class. I guess that's why I'm really not particularly close to any of my classmates.

Band. Oh I forgot I've passed out and shouldn't going back to disturb people whom I want to see again.

I don't know what to do now. I feel kind of lost. Maybe when this night is over, I'll start feeling better. It has always been like that, right?

...

"I was born alone and would live alone
I thought it was certainly natural for me to live in such a way"

A Song For xx - ayumi hamasaki

"At the moment the wind changes
Before I can see my loved one
I wonder if I should say how I feel"

GREEN - ayumi hamasaki

...

2008-11-02T20:41:00.003+08:00

"However far I escape, I can't have a clean escape
How far does my past catch up after me?"

GUILTY - ayumi hamasaki

"I want to see you
I want to see you
I don't know what to do
As you are only smiling so tenderly in my memory"

HANABI - ayumi hamasaki

---

Tomorrow is SS. Prepared? I guess so. One last final revision tomorrow morning, and I think this paper will be easy (provided the way the questions asked are at least comprehend-able...)!

You know, it feels kind of cold tonight. I mean, it's autumn now after all... so the seasons have changed, many things have changed... It's getting colder by each day. Even so, I can only reach my hand out, straight and forward, towards the freezing cold, right?

There's just this sudden rush of emotions in me now... and I feel so tired at the same time. Tired of what? The chasing? The clinging? The escaping?

Sometimes, it's even better if people don't see each other. What used to be an excitement and looking forward, is now a fear of meeting, because you only know the outcome too well...

Escaping from reality. My forte, unfortunately.

---

"The wind is blowing strongly against me
The cold is piercing me unusually
Now I reach out straight and forward
With my hand numbed in the freezing cold"

decision - ayumi hamasaki

"Even now, I still remember everything
Your voice calling my name, your casual habits
I want to forget, and I don't want to forget"

HANABI ~episode II~ - ayumi hamasaki

GREEN

2008-10-31T22:14:00.003+08:00

"Reality is a traitor;
It's easy to misjudge things
So with your own eyes
Ascertain the value of this place
With your own standards"

evolution - ayumi hamasaki

"I wonder why it is so difficult
For people to walk the path that their heart lays out for them
Even though I should have always known
I adverted my eyes from the reality
I denied the truth"

GREEN - ayumi hamasaki

...

I slacked the whole day today oh gosh. And I went to watch High School Musical 3: Senior Year with Nic Tan, Justin and James Onggo, and Hwee Young. Um the movie is really nice but I don't think Zac Efron is as hot as what everyone seems to think.

Ashley Tisdale on the other hand... hahaha!

Well, I'm still ill. I finally got my hands on Panadol FLU MAX and more Strepsils so I hope I will get well soon.

Next week is the LAST week of O' Levels! It may seem like an easy week for everyone, but it's not one for me, because I have like 4 papers next week...

So this is the schedule for my papers next week:

Mon: SS
Wed: Higher Chinese
Thur: Geog Paper 2
Fri: Lit

And actually, two Tuesdays is Science MCQ but never mind.

So, yeah. Then I'll be liberated omg finally.

La la la la...

...

"From the moment those feelings overflowed
Before our fingers ever touched
I became aware of this love

At the moment the wind changes
Before I can see my loved one
I wonder if I should say how I feel"

GREEN - ayumi hamasaki

What should I do?

2008-10-30T20:28:00.004+08:00

"I remember I went to sleep late that night feeling uneasy
And had a very sad dream
The phone started to ring in the morning, breaking the silence
And the premonition became a reality
Leaving an unfading scar on my heart
You became a star by yourself"

Memorial address - ayumi hamasaki

...

Today, I took one of my rare naps. I just felt exhausted and fell asleep. And I had a dream; a nightmare in the daytime...

I dreamed of you. I saw you, and I seemed to have found the courage to speak to you again. I said something to you, and you ignored me. Somehow, I asked you why you were ignoring me.

You said, "Ever since I know that you are gay... you should know that I hate you now".

I followed you around... asking why, over and over again.

You tried to push me away, so as to get rid of me.

I don't know what happened, but I started asking you, "What wrong have I done that you have to do this to me?"

You said something, but I couldn't hear you. So I asked, "What?!"

Before I could hear you... I woke up.

Why? Why did I have such a dream?

Is this really going to happen? I feel so... uneasy ever since I have woken up. Maybe this dream is going to be a reality...

But it is already a reality, isn't it? I mean, that you hate me, or something like that. Something like not wanting to have anything to do with me anymore.

I guess so.

Sometimes it feels like it's fated to be able to meet everyone, and to make friends with everyone.

Because we were able to meet, it's fated. At least, that's what I think.

The less I meet you, the better it's going to be. Just go on and forget about me like how you wanted, and be happier. You will be.

Even though it's the opposite for me...

...

I'm not feeling well. The flu is still on, and I couldn't find Panadol FLU MAX ... And Strepsils isn't helping much. I feel this gross sensation in my throat... no phlegm, no cough, just a weird sensation. I feel like there's a fever going on too... I've taken 4 Panadol pills today and I just don't feel any better...

Today's E-Maths Paper 2 was so-so. The questions were much easier than I thought they would be. The only question I honestly didn't know was the stupid Circles question, but thank God the whole question is only 6 marks!

Tomorrow is Bio so I can stay at home to rest, I hope.

By the way, Cristiano Ronaldo got like the FIFPro World Player of the Year 2008... whatever that is. I suppose it's some MVP thing... every sport has something like that. I don't know... I only know that Cristiano Ronaldo visits prostitutes (Wayne Rooney too)
and that he is like half-naked in his 2009 Calendar.

...

"The wind strokes my cheeks and makes me feel real
Whispering softly that this is not an illusion at all"

fated - ayumi hamasaki

fated

2008-10-29T20:34:00.003+08:00

"I gave up, thinking that this voice couldn't reach you
I gave up, thinking that this dream wouldn't come true
You see? Though the person before my eyes was
The real you"

fated - ayumi hamasaki

...

I don't know if the reason to why we're not talking to each other is because you don't say anything to me, or if it's because I don't say anything to you.

While a part of me was thinking, "Maybe you wanted to talk to me too, and just like me, you're waiting for me to say something to you.", the reality just speaks so correctly, "He still blocked you in MSN..."

So perhaps this should be a yardstick. Until that day when you unblock me, I'll talk to you. If not, there's no point in persisting in something that I know of the results too well.

I finished my paper and left towards the bus stop. I saw the band. I saw you. I know I just walked past you without saying anything to you. It's not because I didn't want to talk to you, I mean I really want to, but it's because... I don't know if I should. If I hate someone, I wouldn't want that person to talk to me, so... yeah.

But even so, I was still so happy to see you, even if it's just that one second. I don't care if people are saying that you're attending band for the sake of CCA points, or whatever warped reasons they can come up with. Even if it's true, at least you're trying. At least you're putting in effort. And just that alone makes me feel so touched. You always, never fail to reassure the faith I have in you.

If I never had a reason for loving you in the past, then perhaps I've got a couple with me now. I love your sense of responsibility, I love that you're trying.

---

Physics today! I thought I did very badly but um well, apparently I've only gotten two questions wrong, so yeah. Haha!

Tomorrow is E-Maths Paper 2 omg! Pray for me!

---

WARNING: The following section contains a section that shows tremendous disrespect to old people (but I don't care!).

If there's another kind of old people that I hate besides those that are so egoistic and think it's their right to cut queues and jay-walk while there are still cars coming towards them, then it's got to be the perverted old men.

Remember the paedophile encounter? I kind of realized that he's the only paedophile I've seen. There's one in MSHS and gosh he's a teacher!

This freaking perverted old man keeps acting so crazily when he sees me, advising me to change my name for the most stupid reasons, and... gosh. Doing tons of traumatic stuff to me. And he insults other people too! Like LOL @ saying Nic Tan eats opium cos he's so skinny.

Like seriously, screw off man. I don't know why a dirty old man like him is allowed to stay in a school to teach!

And he's none other than, Han Lao Bei. Yuck, super gross.

---

"I feel that the more I wish to be strong
The weaker my heart becomes in inverse proportion"

fated - ayumi hamasaki

Born To Be...

2008-10-28T21:41:00.006+08:00

"We can realize more now
We can see more now

We can forgive some day
We can laugh some day"

Born To Be... - ayumi hamasaki

---

Today, thoughts were going through my mind like the rain that surged through the sky...

We can't judge people by their outer appearances, because everyone hides their true selves with masks.

I guess that's where we're both a little alike - we're always misunderstood by others.

Watching you being cool is like believing that I'm immune to pain, like what everyone else is thinking, ha, when would such days end?

I remember in the past, when I wondered why I existed... you just stood there saying nothing and giving me happiness.

Sometimes I wish that this year's summer would always repeat itself, that way, I can always be by your side...

I miss you. I miss you, so badly. I want to see you, I just want to see you. And then we can be like how we were, being next to each other, exchanging simple words and thoughts. I never thought such days would be any way bad.

If I can once again meet the still-smiling face of yours shown that day, then I'll never leave you. I'll never thought of leaving and not bothering you ever again...

People look at memorials of their memories because they don't want to forget the precious memories that were left on their minds. Like them, I read our chat logs, I touched the bottle, I held the watch. Because I don't want to forget.

Still remembering the many words you said at those days... I can only run forward.

They say that I'm persistent and obsessed, but I don't think they understand, and it's okay, even if they don't understand. If it were so easy to let go and forget something, then how important can that thing be?

Meanwhile...

I think I'm falling ill. My throat feels swollen and it hurts to even swallow anything. I need Strepsils, I guess. And I have a runny nose too, argh, stupid flu.

---

"If I met us at that time somewhere
I'll them not to feel uneasy about the future"

Born To Be... - ayumi hamasaki

Yes, because your future doesn't have me.

---

I was asked to post this by someone else, and this message is for someone else.

你，一点也不忍人爱。说什么朋友。
我，只不过是你消遣的玩具。
分手。。。我不会这么容易让你的。
我。是个双面人。你想分。只能由我先出口。

你怎样的对我。十倍奉还。
我们之间已没有任何关爱了。
我对你，只有恨。
再见了。
迎接我这个新的朋友吧。

HANABI/End roll

2008-10-26T22:03:00.003+08:00

"Your knowing talk
Gives me a headache"

(don't) Leave me alone - ayumi hamasaki

---

So like you went to your army camp and 'suffered' for a couple of days and returned. I was so happy to know that you weren't enjoying yourself there, because I hate you so much.

Seriously, if your purpose of coming home is to create trouble for me, and disrupt my life, then please, gtfo. Leave me alone.

I can't stand it when you expect me to start the washing machine for you, and then expect me to hang your clothes for you, just because you're going out.

Who are you? Why should I do it for you? Am I your dog? Do you own me? Am I your slave? Sickening.

"You just do whatever I tell you to do and shut up. You have no rights."

And you have every rights in the world? Ha, give me a break.

I can't stand people who think that they are so up there, and that everyone owes them their lives or something. I can't stand domineering egoists who think about themselves, and only themselves.

Just get back to your army camp and die there.

I hate to do things for other people, because I'm so selfish. I really dislike doing things and running errands for other people, especially if they make it appear as if I owe them something. I don't know anyone anything. Screw off if you're thinking like that.

Just... feeling pissed over something. Argh.

...

"I'm looking at the stained sky
So that my tears will not fall

Why can't humans live
As they wish?

I need neither a weak heart preventing me from crying
Nor a strength without tears

I try to look for a shooting star
Upon which to cast my wish on

But I cannot find one
As day is coming so fast

There is not a day
On which I recall you
For I have never for a moment
Forgotten you

Every time I feel sad
I habitually say, 'I'm all right'

Something had ceased to be that day
And I

Can't even find a shooting star
However long I pray

I want to see you
I want to see you
I don't know what to do
As your smile is only so tender
Just in my memory

There is not a day
On which I recall you
For I have never for a moment
Forgotten you

I want to see you
I want to see you
I don't know what to do
As your smile is only so tender
Just in my memory"

HANABI - ayumi hamasaki

The summer is over. Fireworks come up to the sky, and disappear after a short while. The beauty and color they give in their transience, will never be forgotten, just like you.

glitter

2008-10-24T22:21:00.004+08:00

"Our new journey will start this summer
I faintly sense uneasiness in the distance
Let's go to find the way again
To that place we are dreaming of"

glitter - ayumi hamasaki

...

Let's go to find the way again, so that we can each have our own separate paths to take. People come and go in our lives, and some people leave footprints in our memories.

Rather than lament about the loss of things, let's celebrate and feel happy about the memories that were created.

Since we cannot continue on a same journey anymore, then we have to find our way, and walk our own separate paths.

I am hopeful. I am happy!

Humans, searching for what they can't see...

People have an innate ability to adapt and find new ways to get out of a bad situation that they are in.

Yes, still believe in love!

---

Today's E-Maths Paper 1 was much easier than I expected. A lot of very basic questions, and I think I can pass! Although 16 marks are already confirmed to be deducted, I'm still quite happy.

Next week is Physics and E-Maths Paper 2. Both papers are killers, and to-die-for. I'm really worried and afraid. I have to rely on the weekends and Deepavaali!

---

"You see? I think I know for certain
The reason of your smile and the meaning of your words"

glitter - ayumi hamasaki

Dearest/Voyage

2008-10-23T23:11:00.003+08:00

"We go on this journey to be happy
You see? A smile suits you very well"

Voyage - ayumi hamasaki

...

I have just been thinking...

When I see you these days, no matter how rare and transient they are, you always look so happy, and doing whatever you're doing with your friends.

I think, you won't be so happy if you were talking to me.

People say that I'm obsessed with you, but I really think that I'm in love with you. I guess I'll stop acting like an idiot whenever I don't get to see you.

Because it doesn't make any difference anymore - whether we meet or not. I'll just see you for one second, and then we won't talk anyways.

I'm guilty of speaking; you hate me too much to speak.

Even if I were to get the chance to be able to be physically close to you like in the past, we can't have that same sort of emotional closeness anymore. I can't. You can't. We can't.

Sometimes I wonder, at the end of so many months, isn't it too much of a pity that we have to be strangers, all over again?

I can't find any answer to this...

I'm really confused now.

I have to "let go", right?

Like, am I doing that already? I mean, by not seeing you anymore, by not talking to you anymore...

I know I will never know why you hate; I will never know about your feelings in the past; I will never know anything... fated...

In the past, you would see me, and say your way of "hi", and then you will ask me about something, or talk to me.

In the past, I feel that we could be friends, and even that made me so happy.

In the past, when you see me looking upset or crying, you would say something.

Ah, even if the present is so cruel and undesirable, I have the past to look back to, while still moving on in a world where I miss you every night. I can smile, because I have my past.

And my past has you.

---

Today was Geography, and the paper is so easy! I really memorized a lot of things, and it feels so good to know what you're answering. But still, I have this weird 'I'm gonna screw up' feeling... I don't know why... bad feeling...

Tomorrow is E-Maths paper 1! I'm so scared of it... I hate Maths...

...

"It would be nice if
We could throw away everything
But what is most important;
Reality is just cruel

Whenever I close my eyes
You're there, smiling

Ah, I hope your smiling face
Is with me until the day
I fall into an eternal sleep

Are all people sad?
They are forgetful creatures...

For whom you should love;
For whom who gives love:
Give it your all

Ah, when we met
We were so awkward
We've taken the long road;
We've hurt each other along the way

Ah, I hope your smiling face
Is with me until the day
I fall into an eternal sleep

Ah, when we met
We were so awkward
We've taken the long road
But we've finally arrived"

Dearest - ayumi hamasaki

I can't stop the overflowing tears from missing the past.

JEWEL/I love you.

2008-10-21T22:08:00.003+08:00

Breathing calmly, I looked at you
Who had fallen so asleep, so exhausted-looking
The sweet, unprotected profile
That no one in the world but I know"

JEWEL - ayumi hamasaki

...

I used to think that my fate with you was never-ending, because we always saw each other, almost every day, in the past. But now, it seems as though our fate has run out or something. I don't see you anymore. I can't even remember when the last time I saw you was.

But everyone else seemed to be seeing you almost every day... I really want to see you. Even if it's from somewhere far away...

You didn't come to school today, so I think you've fallen ill. I have prayed, and I will pray for you again. I want you to get well. No time to get sick! I'm already out of your sight so you have no excuse to be unwell! Hahaha!

But still...

To be unable to see you, I took that as my punishment for ruining you. Whenever I get hit by people whom think that I'm immune to pain, and that I'm suffering a physical pain, I took that as my punishment for humiliating you.

It's all my fault, and every unfortunate thing that happened to me is the result of my selfishness. My punishment.

When I lost my way, and the mark is too far, I was muttering to myself, "Such is life..."...

I may strongly dislike a lot of things that happened to me, occasionally asking, "why?" and shedding tears that only I want to see, I can only realize that such is life. Life's like that. I won't be sad because of such a thinking.

Ah, the memories are overflowing. There's something magical about our memories, about our past. I somehow seem to remember something "new" every day, laughing at the sudden realization that such a thing had happened before.

Today, I remembered that you snore in your sleep, just like me! Hahaha, your snores sound so adorable, I wish I could hear them every day...

I will always have a smile on my face, and I will always try to be as happy as I can be. Because you told me before, "I don't like emo people."

---

Ah, today was English! Honestly, I think both papers were super easy, but I'm very worried about my Paper 1.

You know, the Section One of the Paper 1, the word range is 350 to 500 words, right? Guess how many words I wrote? I wrote 961 words! Like, it's almost double the maximum recommended words! My friends told me that they won't deduct marks for exceeding the word limit, just that I might have more grammar mistakes. I hope I won't get any!

After the whole English paper, which was about 7pm, I wanted to go to the toilet, so I went to the one at the basketball court. And guess what. The door was locked, there were voices inside. And there was a super strong stench of cigarette smoke. Obviously, some people were smoking in the toilet. It stinks.

I don't get smokers. In fact, I hate them! A packet of cigarettes cost about $11... I mean that's a lot of money! You can save so much money if you don't smoke! And they're like what, underage people? Where the hell do they get their money from to buy cigarettes?!

...

"Ah - I hope your smiling face
Is with me until the day
I fall into an eternal sleep"

Dearest - ayumi hamasaki

Desperate Housewives/Chemistry.

2008-10-20T20:25:00.004+08:00

"I wanted to say 'I love you'
I couldn't say 'I love you'
But I feel it was my biggest lie
And the truth"

Together When... - ayumi hamasaki

My biggest lie and truth...

---

It's a hell of a day in the neighbourhood.

If you know where that slogan is from, good for you. If not, well, I would still be revealing it later on anyways.

Ah, today was Chemistry! I felt that I really studied for this, so everything should be well. But the paper itself was quite a shocker. The topics tested were very little. I think the paper only tested Metals, Organic Chemistry, Speed of Reaction, Bonding, Fuels, Chemistry Analysis/Salts... and the basic science stuff.

I think the paper was very easy, although I did a question in Section B that was among hot debate after the paper.

The question was like, "Describe how you would obtain crystals of sodium sulphate from a solution of sodium carbonate and an acid." Or something like that.

Some people said you need to do titration, some people said you didn't have to. I didn't mention titration. Maybe I'm right, perhaps I'm wrong. Does it matter? The paper is already over, and if I get it wrong, so be it.

~

I was thinking, why did we have to be at the state that we are in, especially when we were far from this state in the past, I think. But I guess it's my fault... I can't do anything to make it up for me, for you.

I wrote to you before, "Give me a chance, give yourself a chance, give us a chance."

Would you? Have you? Oh well...

...

Desperate Housewives 4 is starting tonight at Channel 5 at 10pm! Omg! I want to watch it, seriously! I LOVE Desperate Housewives!!!

Oh yeah, it's a hell of a day in the neighbourhood. By the way, I noticed they up-sized the boobs of the two ugliest women... Hmm.

And guess which housewife I adore the most?

I love Bree/Marcia Cross! <3 No one will be forgiven if you say she's ugly or anything... she's so... so... HOT!, even at the age of 46!

Okay lah, actually, I like Garbrielle/Eva Longoria. Unfortunately for her, she married a fugly basketballer.

Okay, since we're at photo spamming again, I like Jessica Alba too! And Megan Fox, and Anne Hathaway, and Resse Witherspoon, and Carrie Underwood, and...

Never mind. I will never let you know where I get these piccies from!

=p! Hahaha!

---

"How am I looked
In your eyes from your place?
Please laugh away
These days of mine filled with false things
Before it's too late"

Secret - ayumi hamasaki

MY ALL

2008-10-17T23:59:00.004+08:00

I don't know why my mood fluctuates so greatlye today. It has been raining so heavily every afternoon...

A sudden impulse urged me to read my July archives in my blog. I started crying as I read the archives.

I always liked July, especially in this year, because so many memories were created in July. So many beautiful memories. Memories that are so precious.

I got so excited over the little things that happen, and felt so happy then. Even when you just talked to me, or something small and simple like that, I felt happy. It made my day. That was July.

Now? I don't even have a chance to see you. Even if I do, so what? You won't talk to me anymore. You hate me.

Where were the little things that made me happy? Where have they gone? Can I go to that place that they gone to, so that I can be happy again?

I want to go back in time, so badly.

I want to return to those times when we were...

Please...

I can only look back in hindsight now, and relieve the memories now. I'm really happy and grateful to have these memories.

If it's not okay with you, then let's not talk ever again. Let's not see each other again. It was supposed to be that, if someone is okay with you to see him tomorrow, and be with him, it means that this person is okay to have you in his life.

Not anymore.

The past, the past, the past.

I want to revisit them again.

I don't understand. What wrong have I done? I think I know. Am I right?

I sound so cynical, so upset, but there's an overflowing rush of feelings, the feeling of nostalgia, the feeling of happiness to have memories with someone, the feeling of loving someone.

There was more joy than sorrow in the days that I spent together with you. So... thank you.

I know no one will read the lyrics I post but, who cares. They are still for me to read, and cry over. No one will ever understand the meaning, the beauty, and the truth behind this song. No one will understand how I feel.

"How long
Have we spent time together?

How far
Have we advanced together?

The sparkling crystals
We have left behind

Are now shining proudly here
Though they may not be perfect

Honestly
I can't say
That it was all fun and joyful
But always, I wasn't alone

I want to show you a dream
I hope you will have
A never-ending and everlasting dream
This is my wish

I want to protect you
Whatever may happen
I'll go on protecting you
With all my might

Even now, I can say definitely
That I don't have a regret

We have always fought it out
With all our might

Honestly
I had some hard nights
And the days I felt unbearable
But always, I wasn't alone

I see your smile
So dear and dazzling
I'm living every day
To see your smile

I feel your love
Strong and warm
I'm feeling the selfless love
With all my senses

I want to show you a dream
I hope you will have
A never-ending and everlasting dream
This is my wish

I want to protect you
Whatever may happen
I'll go on protecting you
With all my might"

MY ALL - ayumi hamasaki

I always said this song is nice, this lyrics are beautiful. I only appreciated the true beauty of it all, when I experienced what the song experienced.

Hahaha.

2008-10-15T20:33:00.002+08:00

"Your knowing talk
Gives me a headache

Until when are you going to
Continue acting?

You can't tell a lie
Behind your eyes

Your pitying glance
Makes me nauseous"

(don't) Leave me alone - ayumi hamasaki

---

I'm reading again and again, the lame tags posted by the spammer(s), and I just found it so hilarious. Like, they don't even know how to spell the names that they are impersonating, nor do they know how to emulate their writing style. Hilarious.

I think it's fine to insult me, do whatever you want, I'm past caring. But I just can't stand it when you use other people's names and tag insulting things about themselves... I can't stand it.

I can't stand your knowing talk. I can't stand your pitying glance. I can't stand your stupidity.

I kind of realized that it takes a lot of skill and knowledge to be an impersonator. Like, some people are simply too stupid to do that properly.

Haha, haters.

---

Tomorrow, is Science Practical! I'm so freaked out but... oh well. I can do this, can't I? Yay!

You know, sometimes, I feel sad. I mean I feel very often, about this, about that, about him, about you, about myself.

But, everyone has to get over his sad moments, because the world continues spinning. So, what should you do? Hmm...

Don't cry. Don't feel upset...

SMILE!

I miss you.

2008-10-13T22:11:00.004+08:00

"I want to see you
I want to see you
I don't know what to do
As your smile is only so tender in my memory"

HANABI - ayumi hamasaki

...

People said that the feeling of not knowing what to do is so real and painful... I couldn't agree more.

Perhaps when reality has settled in, pain is suddenly felt. If it's not something important, there won't be pain. Or so it seems.

You know, something miraculous happened today. It's about a story between two people, and how one of them told the other one to wait for him, because he's coming.

I thought that there's no way that person will come, or to fufill his promise, because it has always been like that.

And he came, for him. Just as he said he would.

I thought he would never come.

Have I lost faith in miracles?

It seems that I'm so resigned in my fate, and reality, that nothing appears or has the potential to be a miracle to me anymore.

Even when something that you do appears to be a new miracle for the both of us, I can't see it anymore.

Maybe it's because I don't dare to delude myself anymore, for the heartaches that comes with the truth afterward is just too much to bear.

I can go on thinking that we're back to normal now, because you said hi, because you said this, because you did that.

The truth still stays as blatant as it ever was.

The fact that you blocked me from MSN; I'm sorry if I sound petty, but I suppose that's a pretty solid sign that you still hate me.

I'm resigned to my fate.

I just took it as a duty to shoulder the blame, because it is just my fault. If I didn't do this, if I didn't say that, perhaps we wouldn't be like how we are now.

Is it so? I don't know. I don't want to know. It's too late, I think.

Right now, if you're with the person you love the most, and if she can make you so happy, then I think that's the best way out too.

I'm once again reminded of the fact that the days I spent with you... are probably just days that were created because I was selfish and manipulative.

If I really love you, then I should stop bothering you, right?...

I don't know what to do come band camp. Maybe I shouldn't even go. I don't know...

I feel like I was trying to make the two of us closer, when we weren't even close in the first place. Once again, I forced you to do things that you don't want to do. But, don't all relationships, be it friendship or love, start with two people not knowing each other at all?

It's time to stop giving excuses.

I have lost the power to believe in miracles. It feels like I'm doing something that is not myself, which is to resign to my fate. I feel like fighting on, I feel like persisting, I feel like hanging on. But I guess, I'm only fighting against myself in the end.

Can I blame your friends? Can I blame misunderstandings. I can't. I can only blame myself; it's my fault.

Be it fake or not, I will keep these memories inside me, and walk on, just like how I've always been. Like Elaine in 'Evening Under Frangipani', my life will just be a lie.

You, somewhere out there, please always be happy.

---

These few days have been going on fine for me, I've been studying! I went to school to study some Lit and to consult Mr Wu (was supposed to be Miss Png but somethings cropped up) on some Maths questions.

I saw so many sec4s and it just makes me feel that I'm putting in such pittance of an effort, as compared to them. Just like how I've really put in a pittance of love to you.

---

The person who tagged you is?
- Jack

Your relationship with him is?
- Friends

Your 5 impressions of him?
1) Friendly
2) Potential paedophile target, I think (look, Xing Han is kind of smitten over you)
3) Piano-natic
4) Good taste (since you like JEWEL =])
5) Black? Oops.

The most memorable thing he has done for you?
- Hmm... hmm... hmm... I think, lending me money.

If he becomes your lover, you will?
- Eew. I will go die.

If he becomes your lover, the thing he has to improve on would be?
- Like I seriously don't care and this HAS TO BE the last question on being potential lovers.

If he becomes your enemy, you will?
- Probably respect his decision, but I sure hope that we won't become enemies.

What thing you want to tell him now is?
- Best of luck for O' Levels!

Your overall impression of him is?
- Black. No, I mean, fun.

How do you think people will feel around you?
- Squeezed? Because I'm so fat OMG I'm kidding.
I think they will feel... I don't know? Everyone feels differently around me, even though I'm sure he hates it whenever I'm around him.

The characteristics you love about yourself are?
- Nothing.

On the contrary, characteristics you hate about yourself are?
- I hate myself for being so selfish. I hate myself for forcing you. I hate myself for being myself.

The most ideal person you want to be is?
- Your lover. But realistically, a rich person. With no tummy, and no moobs.

For people who care and love you, anything to say to them?
- Thank you, but I don't suppose I'm worthy of any concern. I jinx and curse and am a burden to people who are nice to me, seriously.

Pass this quiz to 10 people to know how they feel.
1) Chien Teng
2) Nicholas Tan
3) Justin Onggo
4) Joseph Ng
5) Xing Hao
6) Jia Wei
7) Zhen Cheng
8) Fredy
9) Chang Jun
10) Shaun Ho

Disclaimer: I bet like all of them won't be doing this time-taking quiz, because ... yeah.

Who is No. 6 having a relationship with?
- I don't know.

Is No. 9 a male or a female?
- Male (and Jack omg you said only appearance is a male WTF man!)

If No. 7 and No. 10 are together, will it be a good thing?
- No?

What is No. 2 studying?
- His freaking (omg!) 10 subjects. And perhaps learning to be cold-hearted.

When was the last time you had a chat with No. 3?
- Saturday? Oh wait I think it's Friday. Yeah, Friday.

What kind of music does No. 8 like?
- AYU! And Band, I guess. And that Tohoshinki like so MIROTIC.

Does No. 1 have any siblings?
- A brother (is this considered as infringment of privacy?)

Will you woo No. 3?
- two words. NEVER EVER

How about No. 7?
- two words. NO WAY.

Is No. 4 single?
- No.

What is the surname of No. 5?
- Ngiam

What is a hobby of No. 10?
- Kao-pei-ing me.

Do No. 5 and No. 9 get along well?
- I suppose so?

Where is No. 2 studying at?
- MSHS, and soon to be, HCJC.

Talk about something for No. 1.
- Do this quiz, PLEASE!

Have you tried developing feelings for No. 8?
- Wtf? No way, like never ever, omg!

Where does No. 9 live?
- Ang Mo Kio

What color does No. 4 like?
- I don't know. Omg. Tell me!

Are No. 1 and No. 5 best friends?
- I am not too sure myself either.

Does No. 1 have any pets?
- A lot of fake dogs lying on his bed.

Is No. 7 the sexiest person on Earth?
- No.

What is No. 10 doing right now?
- How on earth would I know?

So remember, the Chosen Ones, Do the quiz! Lol.

---

"I can't go back
However much I long for it
It was really fun at those times
But that was then and this is now

I remember I've always drawn the curtains
In an awkward way

Where are you?
Where have you gone?
You have perhaps gone on a long journey
With the most important person

If I had ever
Said something
It wouldn't have been the starting
With the ending being at sight

As I can't behave like a child crying for something
All I can do is to say, 'good-bye'

And I walk on
I try to walk alone
So that I can light my way
Without you

Being human is sorrowful
Is being human sorrowful?
Being humain is joyful
Is it all right that I think like that?

So I walk on
And you'll walk on too, right?
With light shining on
Our two separate paths"

End roll - ayumi hamasaki

HAPPY ENDING

2008-10-08T20:32:00.003+08:00

"Seized with several impulses, I'm lost in a maze with no exit
The sense of reality urges me suddenly to find the way out
But why can't I leave this place, so strangely?"

GAME - ayumi hamasaki

...

But why can't I leave you, so strangely? The nicer you are to me, the more difficult it will be for me to move on.

Because you were really so nice to me in the past, I always found it hard to just say, "Forget it" and walk, as if nothing had happened. I mean I can, but it'll obviously be a lie.

And then, it seems that reality has sunk into me, and I know what to do. Move on, right? I tried doing that, and I think I'm doing fine, without you anymore.

Why must you be nice to me again?

Why did you see me, and then raise your eyebrows and mouthed a "hi"? Why do you make me feel as if like everything is back to normal again? Why did you bother about me again?

You hate me, right? I know you do, and it just seems right and true from so many things that have been going on, like you blocking me from MSN.

Sometimes, you give the signs that are on both sides of the spectrum, and you leave me stuck in the middle, unable to do anything.

I wish I could go. I wish I could walk away, now. But I can't. I really can't. I don't know any answers; I don't know anything.

If it were me in the past, perhaps what you did today would make me really happy, and I would think that you see me as a friend.

But the me now... I can't do that anymore. The reality has finally sunk in, I suppose. Today you finally stopped un-bothering me. So?

I could only ask myself, "So?"

You still hate me. You still find me a burden. You still abhor me. You still block me from MSN.

You see? I can't delude myself anymore. I don't even know what to do. I'm even beginning to think that that "hi" you mouthed, and the eyebrows you raised, were probably for someone next to or behind me.

I don't dare think to that I have been forgiven, nor do I have the courage to suppose that everything is back to normal.

You will always hate me, because I am such a burden.

But still, when I saw you... it's just... a lot of thoughts coming from my mind, and I wish to tell you a lot of things. I wish to ask you how your A-Maths paper was, I wish to ask how you have been all these while, I wish to tell you that I was harassed by a paedophile yesterday. But...

I still worry about you. I still cringe and worry when someone took a photo of you getting punished in the hall during your A-Maths paper, I still get pissed when I heard that certain teachers were picking on you. I...

I want to make you happy by leaving too. I want to see you have the freedom and happiness that you had during this period of time when you didn't get to see me. So together, even if it's an act that must be for us and will be for us to be separated, let's just work towards that same goal - two separate paths.

It's too late to apologize to you...

...

"'The more you love me, the more my heart aches
I'm already so... about you'"

Liar - ayumi hamasaki

You feel that way now, don't you?

---

Today was the last day of school for me. Well, I think I can hear applause, since everyone hates me so much, it must be a good thing for me to just be gone. Especially you.

Well, the last few hours at school was basically a waste of time. From 8 to 10 was a big waste of time; just sitting around and doing nothing.

Some funny things happened obviously, like how Sean Tang's crackers and waterbombs were confiscated... And cam-whoring among a lot of people. I obviously am not going to take any photos as of yet because I feel so dead today. Note that the confusing incident happened at recess...

So yeah, then a lot of retarded things happened. Apparently water bombs were still in the class so people began throwing them around... like get a life. But anyway, they look they're having fun so whatever. I just feel apologetic to the guys from 3J cos they're taking their A-Maths paper...

Then it was recess.

Then after that, a special hall assembly. It was supposed to be 1 hour but it got dragged to 1.5 hours. A lot of O' Level procedures and such, and then there was this nostalgic video about Maris Stella, which was kind of upsetting...

And Stephene Tay bought a pen for all the sec4s. Each pen costs about $2+ cos it's a Pilot pen so for the whole cohort, it must have cost him like $600+! Omg. And just when you thought the pen was paid for via the miscellanous fee but I heard he payed for all the pens himself! Wow.

I also got the class photos and the graduation photo back, and omg. The graduation photo... I looked so photoshopped! They actually photoshopped everyone's face to remove the pimples, airbrush our faces, and also to lighten/even out the skin tone. Very fake and plastic indeed.

Then after that, I met Justin Onggo and Hwee Young at the canteen. We hung around for a while before Nicholas Tan came, then we took a taxi to Toa Payoh. In the end, we just stayed at Delifrance for 4 over hours, "studying". Okay actually we really wanted to study, but as usual, we all ended up chatting instead. Oops.

Then I went home at 6 30.

---

4 years in Maris Stella. Memories, bonds, feelings. I was never alone. You were never alone.

I remember I was always living a scandalous life in Maris Stella, and I'm not stupid, because I know people gossip about me, because of the kind of scandals that I get myself into.

I only remember my sec1 year being the most peaceful, when there was no scandal at all, and I felt really the most carefree then.

As the years went on, I just got myself into scandals after scandals, affecting not only myself, but for the people involved as well.

4 years later, and I'm into my 7th crush/love now. Sometimes I feel that I have ruined all their lives, because it is just so. But in the end, I don't really know how they feel, so it only feels right that I should take the blame myself.

But even so, I never walked alone during these 4 years, although I was actually physically usually alone.

I will never forget my peers, especially my classmates over the years, and the people in band. Juniors, seniors, peers. It was somehow really fun to be able to spend time with all these special people.

Also, are the teachers in Maris Stella, whom have cared and shown their very humane sides to use all these years.

Even though there are a lot of things that I dislike about Maris Stella, although there are a lot of things that I've regretted, at the end of this road, it only seems that I couldn't have regretted the muddy, wrong steps that I've always taken.

Thank you, to my peers, CCA members and teachers for all these memories. Although being the selfish person that I am, I know that there will be memories with certain people that will be closer to my heart than any other memory, I am still very grateful and happy to be able to share and create such memories with everyone. Thank you, once again.

---

"Well, I know better than anyone else
That a happy ending never suits me"

HAPPY ENDING - ayumi hamasaki

I got attacked by a paedophile.

2008-10-07T22:02:00.002+08:00

I got attacked by a paedophile.

And it's not Han Lao Bei. And this is how the whole incident started...

So, after school, I saw Jack and Zhan Hao at the bus stop (wait I think they saw me... I was there first), and we took 28 together.

On the bus, they mentioned about eating lunch and they asked me to go along... I rejected them because I was kind of tired and I lost my appetite (don't ask why my appetite has been failing these days)...

Then I mean I was adamant about not going, and so were they about me going... In the end, we all got off the same stop at Toa Payoh, and they stopped at some coffee-shop while I went a little across the street to this provision shop to buy some stuff.

Then I was like walking into the instant noodles section, when this guy walked past me. This guy is an uncle. Definitely about 40+ years old, and he's wearing a pink shirt with white stripes. And he looks super formal and business-like (just never thought he would be a freaking paedophile).

Well, he smiled to me, and I smiled back. Because I wanted to courteous. Even though I don't even know him... Then he said hi to me, and I said hi back.

Then while I was looking at the instant noodles, I realized that that uncle had always been next to me. And when I noticed, he started talking.

*Following conversation contains several paraphrases as my mind obviously does not wish to recollect this traumatic incident*

U(ncle): Exams finish ah?
M(e): Yah
U: Oh, what exams you taking now?
M: O' Levels lor
U: Oh, then why you end school so early? (early, hello? It was 1pm!?)
M: I don't know, the timetable is like that
U: Oh, then how old are you?
M: 16
U: Do both your parents work?
M: Yah
U: Then where do you live? In this block?
M: Yeah (this is a lie...)
U: Oh, then you got any siblings? Or are you alone?
M: I have siblings
U: Oh, then where are they now? They are at home?
M: No, they're all working (couldn't be bothered to tell him the whole truth)
U: Oh, so they're all working. And you're alone at home all the time? No one takes care of you? (wtf do I look like I need taking care of when I'm 16?)
M: Yah
U: Oh... Then what do you do at home?
M: Study? O' Levels are coming soon what.
U: Then you don't play games? Don't play internet games? Don't use the internet?
M: Oh, I don't play games.
U: Oh, then good for you lah. You know now everyone uses internet to play games and they XXX (can't remember.)...
M: Yah
U: Yah, internet very dangerous. You got any virus before?
M: No (this is a lie too, but heck.)
U: Oh, must be careful ah, got one time I clicked on this link and I got a virus and my whole computer hanged, then after that got this wallpaper that is er pornography ah
M: O.O oh...

Note: The next part of the conversation is where the perverted paedophile reveals how fucking sick he is.

U: Then do you watch porn?
M: *laughs unwillingly*
U: What kind you prefer? Japanese? American?
M: I don't watch porn. (Hmm...)
U: You sure or not?
M: Yah...
U: Oh, now computer very dangerous, got all this pornography all around. Then your parents put the computer in your room?
M: It's in my hall.
U: Oh, so that's why you don't watch lah. (wtf.)
M: Er... yah.
U: Yah you know my nephew, P6 only and he watch porn already. And he said it's because his P5 friend also started watching already. Can you believe it? So young watch already? You sure you never watch before? You 14 years old (obviously he can't remember my age because he's more interested in finding out if I watch porn) and going through puberty you don't watch porn?
M: I really don't watch porn.
U: Oh... you know ah, I started watching when I was 13 years old. I found this video tape under my father's bed, then you know I curious, so just started watching. It's all American and it was very interesting.
M: Er... okay... Erm, okay I need to go home now... bye bye.
U: Oh okay

Okay, then as I walk out of the provision shop, HE FOLLOWED ME OUT, like I could hear his footsteps, and at the entrance he still said bye again and shook my hand. Wtf?!

And I ran back to the coffeeshop and thankfully Jack and Zhan Hao were still there... omg. I was fortunate to be able to be with them for a while... And then I went home, SO SUPER SCARED that that paedophile would be shadowing me or whatever...

I mean, what's his problem? Why me? I'm so fat and ugly, and I'm selfish, and I'm only capable of robbing people's happiness away... I'm not worth to be his paedophile target.

I hate paedophiles, officially. Like I think they're damn sick. Last time, I wouldn't really care if you're a paedophile, but now... omg better stay away from me. I have a phobia of paedophiles now. Just like how so many of you are homophobic.

I'm scared. I'm traumatized. At that time, I wish that I could see you, so that I wouldn't be so afraid...

Anyway, screw that paedophile. I'm NEVER EVER going to step into that provision shop lest I get targeted again. I HATE HIM!

Gosh, today was actually a fun day, and I wanted to post about all the happy things, like the sex workshop with Mr Kwok, and the gift from Mrs Tan-Chin but... I'm too scared now. I guess, I'll just leave now.

untitled

2008-10-02T20:26:00.011+08:00

"I gave up, thinking that I couldn't reach your voice
I gave up, thinking that this dream wouldn't come true
You see? Though the person before my eyes was
The real you"
fated - ayumi hamasaki

"I felt like I found a profile like yours
Far across the road
But I didn't stop anymore
I looked forward and kept walking"
It was - ayumi hamasaki

"I nodded and said to myself, 'It's okay'
Because I'm just so strong"
monochrome - ayumi hamasaki

"Today was very sad
And even if I were to be weeping tomorrow
The day will come when I can say
'There were such days' and smile"
SEASONS - ayumi hamasaki

"Just for having the chance to meet you
Just for having the chance to love you
Even if we can never meet again...
La la la la...
I will never forget"
LOVE ~Destiny~ - ayumi hamasaki

"How many times have I sought for something
Found and lost it
Since that time?"
fairyland - ayumi hamasaki

"I have sometimes hesitated to be by your side
Being afraid of hurting someone
I learned incorrectly somewhere
The meaning of true tenderness
I will stop caring so much about what others say"
Trust - ayumi hamasaki

"Good-bye, even my last words don't reach you
I'm made to realize the coldness of this parting
I wish I could have heard from you
That you never regretted the days we spent together
Just once, even if it were to be a lie"
Memorial address - ayumi hamasaki

--------

So, I won't bother you anymore and you'll continue ignoring me. This must be right.

Even if I were to dislike such an ending, I can't do anything now, except to regret and immerse in the overwhelming guilt.

If I were to see you tomorrow, then we should just behave like how you have always wanted to. I hope you'll be happy in this way.

Because the world always throws things that I hate and do not wish to face every day, I was blessed and given your tenderness and the memories...

I think it's pointless to complain to anyone, or to ask questions like, 'Why did you leave me?' or 'Why do you hate me?' or 'Why must such things happen?' because the truth is pretty obvious, isn't it? But of course I think I'll break this promise, so yeah I'll try my best.

Ah, I had it, and lost it. I tried to get it back, but I only made things worse. Now, I'm resigned to my fate.

I realized that I have all along been forcing you to do things that you don't want to do... and it's all my fault. Well, at least you don't have anything to upset you now.

Everything will be fine, because I'm just so strong.

---

2nd October, 1978. A person was born. This person was born to inspire people with her lyrics, her songs, her life, and her music.

Hamasaki Ayumi.

Happy Birthday, Ayu! Today is Ayu's 30th birthday as well as her 10th anniversary in the music industry. I meant 10th anniversary as in this year is the 10th anniversary.

Yeah, 2007 was a horrible year for Ayu... she broke up with her boyfriend, her best friend committed suicide, and she lost the hearing of the left ear.

But still, she stayed strong and continued to be that awe-inspiring person that she has always been, and has since, in 2008, released 2 remix albums, a 10th Anniversary single, a 10th Anniversary Asia tour, and recently, a all singles compilation, A COMPLETE.

Ayu has helped me through many difficult times in my life, and you can tell that a lot of my thinkings are influenced by her thoughts as shown in her lyrics. Her spirit and determination throughout these 10 years have been very inspiring, and I'm sure it's everyone's wish to emulate this magnificient spirit of Ayu.

So, I wish that Ayu would continue with whatever she's doing, and always produce that heartfelt and real music that she has always been doing. Whatever may happen, I'll always be Ayu's fan!

Words can't express the admiration, respect and graditude I have towards Ayu. I remember there were those rare moments when I would feel like dying, and always, Ayu (and of course my friends) were always there, so I never gave up.

I love Ayu!

43 singles. 9 albums. 1 mini-album. 10 years. ayumi hamasaki. Empress of J-Pop.

Happy Birthday, once again!

--------

"This short summer will come to an end
I'll be with you at the moment too
As I know
Nothing is as nice as the ordinary days"
Greatful days - ayumi hamasaki

"If I feel that I need you
And you need me too
It seems that we need no special reason
Don't you feel that a life like this is not bad?"
independent - ayumi hamasaki

"Memories are sweet because we passed through the time
However sad now, we can talk about it with a smile some day"
theme of a-nation '03 - ayumi hamasaki

"We will shine more brightly this summer
We certainly feel our heartbeats of excitement
Wherever we may go in the future
Please just make the most of the present"
glitter - ayumi hamasaki

"Let's go across the blue sky
Looking down on the white sand beach
No need to have a serious talk
I need nothing except your smile"
BLUE BIRD - ayumi hamasaki

"Life is transient
But people are strong"
UNITE! - ayumi hamasaki

"So I walk on
You'll walk on too, right?
With light shining on
Our two separate paths"
End roll - ayumi hamasaki

"The sparkling crystals
We have left behind
Are now shining proudly here
Though they may not be perfect"
MY ALL - ayumi hamasaki

Sigh...

2008-10-01T22:18:00.003+08:00

"Being human is sorrowful
Is being human sorrowful?
Being human is joyful
Is it right that I think like that?"

End roll - ayumi hamasaki

...

The air tonight is cold and still, just like the two of us. Being realistic appears to be the only way now.

They say it's easy to forget an incident, but it's difficult to forget a person, especially someone who is very good to you.

Do you remember me? Do you remember the things we did together? Do you remember anything?

And I wonder, if I die, would you be upset? Or would everything be nothing to you?

If, at one's verge of life and death can one see who holds him close to that person's heart, then please, let me know what I want to know.

If all that feels like a dream, manifesting in my thoughts, then perhaps I should return to the harsh reality.

Even if it's with staggering steps, at least I'm beginning to walk now.

The difference between smiling and laughing is that a smile has no sound. It's so easy to fake a smile, but can you fake a laughter?

The days when we were together, and I was by your side, were my happiest days.

My first love pales in comparison to my last.

---

Today, I went to study with Nicholas Tan, Justin Onggo and Hwee Young.

Well, I don't think the studying was anywhere near constructive but that's what always happens when you study with someone.

And, Long John Silver's is officially the worst place to study, ever. Or at least the one at Toa Payoh. The manager and the staff keep pestering us to leave because we're studying. Like besides us, they were chasing other groups of students studying as well.

I would honestly understand if there were a lot of customers present, but there wasn't a single soul, so I don't know what they're talking about.

... Aw, this is getting really boring.

I don't feel like boring, as in going through today's events just bore me, and there's nothing to talk about. Except that we laughed a hell lot while gossiping about A LOT of things, seriously. And James Onggo sleeps when in a study group! Like seriously! I saw it with my own eyes!

And it sucks when you have no handphone or if yours is running on a pre-paid card and it ran out of money. Communication!!! How important, apparently.

...

"I couldn't leave here for a long time
Because I was used to this scenery"

Fly high - ayumi hamasaki

P.S: Hiatus is OFF.

Rain

2008-09-30T20:48:00.003+08:00

"How much more courage do I need
To say with my head held high
'This is the only important thing to me'?"

No way to say - ayumi hamasaki

---

I realized that the difference between seeing you and not seeing you is that I would ask myself, "Why are you ignoring me?" when I see you, and "Why did you leave me?" when I don't see you.

Either way, I...

Though it was good that I was always by your side in the past...

I realized that rain is actually a very good and accurate indicator to your mood for that day/moment.

When you're happy, and if it rains, it feels good and cooling and you feel like dancing in the rain, and laughing.

When you're sad, and if it rains, it just makes everything feel worse, and it feels as if the sky is crying for you.

That, is how I feel now.

I don't understand why I still feel such pain when it wasn't something natural that we could see each other often.

But even if we could see each other, it doesn't make any difference. Because we would just behave as if we have never seen each other, pretending not to know each other, bypassing each other.

This is something that I'll need to spend time thinking about, alone.

By the way, there's this certain teacher that I really can't stand anymore. She keeps doing things that catalyze my hatred for her. What's her problem? She keeps picking on certain students, and scolding them, or humiliating them for minor things. Like... I'm so grossed out by her.

---

"I want to see you
I want to see you
I don't know what to do
As you are smiling so tenderly only in my memory"

HANABI - ayumi hamasaki

Moments

2008-09-28T22:44:00.003+08:00

"If my life was transient like a flower
I'll be in full bloom by your side
And after watching your smile
I'll scatter my petals alone, quietly"

Moments - ayumi hamasaki

---

Done that.

Ah, today, like yesterday was in general - BORING! I just watched TV all day long like oh God what happened to studying? I REALLY have to start from tomorrow onwards like MUST MUST MUST!!!

Which reminds me that I'm gonna DO MY BEST to stay away from the computer from tomorrow onwards, until the end of my O' Levels.

Don't try communicating with me in any method, I doubt they'll work.

And I cut my hair today too... Hmm.

Heh, the rest of the school is starting their SA2 tomorrow... all the best! I'll always be praying for you.

And I don't think I can actually go home at 12 45 as stated on the timetable every day... I mean I have Maths remedial tomorrow until 3+ and I think every day has a different remedial. Ah, at least it keeps me occupied.

So, I'll be on a hiatus until 13th November.

until that Day...

---

"I'll be anything If it can stop you from being seized with fear"

Moments - ayumi hamasaki

I want 2009's calendar (that's the cover, by the way) NOW. Oh my God!!!

until that Day... part II

2008-09-26T21:01:00.003+08:00

"It's not so simple, I don't care even if I look laughable
It's uninteresting to live only for myself"

until that Day... - ayumi hamasaki

---

Seven more days, and there's no more school.

24 more days.

I don't even know why I'm blogging when I have no mood to. I have no mood to do anything now...

---

"Eternity really doesn't exist
I wonder when I first realized that
But I'm prouder than anyone else that
The days we spent together weren't lies

I've lived up to now
Although the length of time is a little different

Just for having the chance to meet you
Just for having the chance to love you
Even if we can't share our thoughts
La La La La...
I won't forget you

Why, even though it hurts so much,
Can't I think of anyone but you and wanting to be with you?
But I'm used to how I think of even
Small things as happy memories

Even cliches and meaningless words
If they're said between us, they have meaning

Just for having the chance to meet you
Just for having the chance to love you
Just for having our thoughts shared...
From now until forever...

I should think of you as proof that I live without taking my eyes off truth and reality

Just for having the chance to meet you
Just for having the chance to love you
Even if we can never meet again
La La La La...
I won't forget you"

LOVE ~Destiny~ - ayumi hamasaki

until that Day...

2008-09-25T20:29:00.003+08:00

"Hey, that person thinks as if he knew everything about me
Just after we smiled and talked a little together
A big mistake

Hey, the reason of this smile and the meaning of these words can't be understood
Because I don't even want to make them understood
It can't be helped

Indeed, no one knows about the real me
More than you"

until that Day... - ayumi hamasaki

---

Today, I was thinking of what mood I should be using to blog this post and... I can't find a feeling. As in, I don't even know if I'm happy or sad. Confusion, apparently, is such a headache.

All I know is that I'm sick and tired. Not of what you think it is, but by just people in general.

Go on and shout his name when I'm around. I don't care anyway. I couldn't be bothered to care. I just don't like how arrogant you are, thinking that you know me very well. And I can't stand you, who act as if you know me very well.

I don't know why people think that I'm immune to pain. You know what their pathetic excuse is? They say I'm fat so I'm immune to pain. Honestly... I don't know what to say. They don't know, just how deeply I'm wishing, that I could be immune to pain, both physical and emotional. But I'm not. I'm fat but I don't see how that separates me from other human beings. I'm not immune to pain.

And you know who I'm talking about? Who else, but Zen.

You know, I was okay with Zen all these while, and I could care less about his constant annoying behavior and his 'flying kick', or whatever that is.

Today, it was the last straw.

He thinks punching me on my hip is really fun. Ha. Oh wait, it probably doesn't matter at all because I'm supposed to be immune to pain because I'm so fat! But no one believes me when I said that I'm in pain. They think I'm lying or something. When I told him it was really painful, he gave that non-believing look. Like, why would I lie? I'm immune to pain? How funny.

And the saddest thing is that he's the only one who has such a mindset. Almost everyone around me just bloody thinks that I'm immune to pain or something. His punch impacted my bone. It's a bloody bone. Yeah I'm fucking fat but I still have bones. Yeah I'm fucking fat but I still feel pain.

I want to be immune to pain. I really want to be.

I want to be immune to this pain of knowing that most people just assume they know me very well, when they don't. Like being immune to pain. I, for one, have never ever said that I'm immune to pain, so why that deduction? Oh wait, I forgot. It's because I'm fucking fat.

And you know, strangely, from all the people whom I suppose know me pretty well, you're the only whom I don't really speak to often.

I will always remember, and still be surprised, that you know that I cry very easily. I know this seems like something that anyone can tell, but it's not. I don't exactly ball my eyes out every time I have the chance to. How many times have you actually seen me really breaking down?

Indeed, no one knows about the real me more than you. More than all of you guys. I appreciate all these, a lot.

---

Anyway, my plan to be late for school was an epic fail! Not that I failed... I mean the barber didn't even come today! I got cheated and I was late for nothing. What is this. I'm so pissed off at that... grr...

Miss Tan ordered for us this Pilot pen that's not out in Singapore yet. And even if it would be, probably next year, it would still be different from the ones my class have.

Because on our pens, is this engraved phrase: "Even Eagles Need A Push"

I'm too tired to elaborate that, so it'll just be like our secret. =)

And we got random colors, and I got blue. And I really hate blue so I remember I was like begging all the people who got pink pens to trade with me, and all of them wanted their pink pens (oh btw, ironic how EVERYONE seems to blabber that liking pink is gay)... Then at the end of the lesson, Miss Tan actually offered to change my pen to a pink one... I'm utterly touched! Thank you!

---

I think it's good that we don't see each other in school anymore. You seem to have found places to avoid me, I seem to be used to it.

It appears, once again, that the best way is to go our separate ways.

While searching through my cupboard today, I found that FHM. I found it. I just flipped through the magazine, and recalled whatever that happened on that day...

Words that I couldn't say on some other day - I want to present them to you today.

I love you.

I really have never said that to you before. While thinking on the people whom I used to love, I remember I always mentioned "I love you" to them. Why didn't I say it to you? Maybe it's because I felt it was redundant. Maybe it's because you already know.

But still, not saying is a good thing, I guess. Not saying that, brought me by your side for that 9 months...

Even so, you still left me.

But...

Never mind. Oh well.

I was searching for your dazzling smiling face.

Some day, we'll be able to mutually understand that our encounter is the truth.

---

"You see? There sometimes are the days
When I think until when and for what purpose
I just have to keep on going forward this way
But because you are watching me..."

until that Day... - ayumi hamasaki

glitter

2008-09-24T22:10:00.003+08:00

"You see? I think I know for certain
The reason of your smile and the meaning of your words"

glitter - ayumi hamasaki

---

And you know, they say 'all that glitters is not gold'. Ah.

Today's school was SLEEPY! I just felt really sleepy and exhausted, and just kept dozing off during English.

Besides that, everything was okay lah. Today was really peaceful, no stupid comments/insults. If every day could be like that, how nice would it be?

Anyway, I think 4E is a really interesting class. Like always during Higher Chinese, when I'm with them, I can see all their stupid and retarded stuff they do in class, like throwing paper balls. And they have like nicknames for just about EVERYONE in their class...

Okay, you know, the barber is coming tomorrow, so he's going to ruin all of our hair.

I wanted to cut my hair today, but by the time I got to the salon, it was closed. Like oh shit! I didn't cut my hair at all.

And even though I personally think my hair is not that long, and a lot of other people think that way too, I know I'll still get caught because, I will. Past experience.

So, what should I do to prevent my hair from getting ruined by an amateur barber?

My plan is to come late for school. And miss morning assembly. Then, my hair won't be checked. Oh yeah...! I hope it works. I really DON'T WANT that amateur barber to do ANYTHING to my hair. That first (and last) time was really traumatic!

Speaking of traumas, you know the Chinese department is mostly filled with pedophile old men?

One of them is called Mr. Han, AKA Han Lao Bei (which means Old Man Han I think).

Whatever it is, I hate him. He's a freaking pedophile.

He is obsessed with me.

And I mean really. OBSESSED.

Whenever he sees me in school, he touches my arm like eew and he says EXTREMELY DISTURBING things like (translated to English), "When I see your stomach, I feel like eating again."

And also this super sick one. "Which Poly are you going to next year? I want to follow you there."

Like omg. oh my God. Stop it. He's freaking sick and perverted. Like freak off what kind of a teacher is that. Thank God he has NEVER EVER taught me in 4 years and I don't want him to ever step in my class for whatever reason, ever ever.

Just eew. Han Lao Bei. Eew. Sorry, I can't give respect to such a person.

...

Anyway, you know, Mr Kwok says this in morning assembly.

"The language of the strong is the selected absence of speech."

And I think, how true can it be.

It's like, if those people know when to shut up and keep their insults to themselves, then maybe, just maybe... never mind.

Selected absence of speech. Ha.

---

"Whoa whoa whoa, what is precious
Yeah yeah yeah, is your smile
Whoa whoa whoa, I feel for sure that I can fly to the sky for the sake of it"

glitter - ayumi hamasaki

Handwriting Analysis

2008-09-23T22:26:00.004+08:00

"It might be true that
The more one experiences pain
The more he can be tender and strong"

my name's WOMEN - ayumi hamasaki

---

Well, well, a rare 2nd post on the same day! Well, I did a mini-test to suss out my personality via my handwriting. I shall post my analysis here!

Spencer uses judgment to make decisions. He is ruled by his head, not his heart. He is a cool, collected person who is usually unexpressive emotionally. Some may see him as unemotional. He does have emotions but has no need to express them. He is withdrawn into himself and enjoys being alone.

The circumstances when Spencer does express emotions include: extreme anger, extreme passion, and tremendous stress. If someone gets him mad enough to tell him off, he will not be sorry about it later. He puts a mark in his mind when someone angers him. He keeps track of these marks and when he hits that last mark he will let them know they have gone too far. He is ruled somewhat by self-interest. All his conclusions are made without outside emotional influence. He is very level-headed and will remain calm in an emergency situation. In a situation where other people might get hysterical, he has poise.

Spencer will work more efficiently if given space and time to be alone. He would rather not be surrounded by people constantly. In a relationship, he will show his love by the things he does rather than by the things he says. Saying "I love you" is not a needed routine because he feels his mate should already know. The only exception to this is if he has logically concluded that it is best for his mate to hear him express his love verbally.

Spencer is not subject to emotional appeals. If someone is selling a product to him, they will need to present only the facts. They should present them from a standpoint of his sound judgment. He will not be taken in by an emotional story about someone else. He will meet emergencies without getting hysterical and he will always ask "Is this best for me?"

Spencer tends to write a bit smaller than the average person. When a person's letters are small and tiny, this indicates an ability to focus and concentrate. This character trait is a huge asset in careers like math, science, race car driving, and flying planes. However, if Spencer writes tiny all of the time, he will also display characteristics of someone who is socially introverted. Spencer will often sit on the sideline and watch others get the attention at parties. he might be willing to open up and be warm, but only in small groups or a select group of people. When he is busy working on a project, it is common for all other noises and distractions to just fade away and his ability to focus is incredible. When he says "he didn't hear you", he really means, he didn't hear you.

Spencer will demand respect and will expect others to treat him with honor and dignity. Spencer believes in his ideas and will expect other people to also respect them. He has a lot of pride.

Spencer will be candid and direct when expressing his opinion. He will tell them what he thinks if they ask for it, whether they like it or not. So, if they don't really want his opinion, don't ask for it!

Diplomacy is one of Spencer's best attributes. He has the ability to say what others want to hear. He can have tact with others. He has the ability to state things in such a way as to not offend someone else. Spencer can disagree without being disagreeable.

Because Spencer has sharp needle pointed 'm' and 'n' humps, he has a very sharp mind. He instantly sizes up situations, making instant decisions. He thinks and evaluates circumstances very rapidly. Many people with this type of mind are geniuses, thus he may be seen as highly intelligent. Spencer is often irritated by slow talkers or slow thinkers. If he drives, he gets irritated by slow drivers in the fast lane. He quickly becomes bored when being taught on the level of the slowest student in class. He may be on problem number three when the rest of the class is on problem one. Spencer is curious and very active. In fact, in school he might have been a trouble maker because he thought so much faster than the other kids, he finished his work first, thus having plenty of time on his hands to make trouble!

Spencer's true self-image is unreasonably low. Someone once told Spencer that he wasn't a great and beautiful person, and he believed them. Spencer also has a fear that he might fail if he takes large risks. Therefore he resists setting his goals too high, risking failure. He doesn't have the internal confidence that frees him to take risks and chance failure. Spencer is capable of accomplishing much more than he is presently achieving. All this relates to his self-esteem. Spencer's self-concept is artificially low. Spencer will stay in a bad situation much too long... why? Because he is afraid that if he makes a change, it might get worse. It is hard for Spencer to plan too far into the future. He kind of takes things on a day to day basis. He may tell you his dreams but he is living in today, with a fear of making a change. No matter how loud he speaks, look at his actions. This is perhaps the biggest single barrier to happiness people not believing in and loving themselves. Spencer is an example of someone living with a low self-image, because their innate self-confidence was broken.

Spencer is sarcastic. This is a defense mechanism designed to protect his ego when he feels hurt. He pokes people harder than he gets poked. These sarcastic remarks can be very funny. They can also be harsh, bitter, and caustic at the same time.

Something is incomplete in Spencer's life. He feels frustration relating to his physical needs and desires. Somewhere in his life there is some disappointment, non-fulfillment, and interruption. This is very likely to relate to Spencer's sexual needs.

For a graphologist, the spacing on the page reflects the writer's attitude toward their own world and relationship to things in his or her own space. If the inputted data was correct Spencer has no white space or margins on a typical sheet of paper. Spencer fills up every last inch on the top, right, left, and bottom. Hmmm. If this is true, then Spencer has a very aggressive personality toward others and quite frankly lacks a bit of respect for the space and property of other people. I would be surprised if Spencer just comes into someone's home and helps himself to a drink in the refrigerator. This can be both an obnoxious personality trait and it can be assertive and effective in getting what you want. There isn't much fear of getting in trouble here, Spencer finds plenty of reasons to break the rules and get in trouble. (Okay, perhaps when he was younger, not anymore?) Basically, people with no margins are a handful.

---

Okay, I agree with some of them, but I disagree with some of them. Ah, it's a fun test. Haha.

Okay, walk forward, don't stop! If I say, "it's okay", then it'll be okay.

---

"We were not born to live
Just putting on a front
And hiding a face
Like the dead"

Marionette - ayumi hamasaki

criminal

2008-09-23T20:28:00.002+08:00

"Why am I so stupid and useless?
I can't even protect the hand I surely once held"

criminal - ayumi hamasaki

...

Some things that I wanted to blog about yesterday but totally forgot about, due to whatever reasons, like I think I must be too tired or something...

1. During the 'special' hall assembly yesterday, we were 'educated' on sex and us, men, being 'Protector or Predator' when we grow up. Okay, honestly, the speaker looked like a predator.

And it's boring. And it's lame. And it's draggggggggy. Like oh my God, there's almost absolutely no mention of sex and anything of it in the talk! He's always using analogies that have nothing to do with sex. Snorefest.

Then, towards the end, we were shown a video on abortion. The first five (or was it ten?) minutes or so was a doctor babbling and mumbling to himself. Snorefest. Then.

A video. Of a woman's vagina. Getting sucked by some vacuum machine thing. To suck. Out. Her baby.

Like oh fuck! I swear it was fucking disgusting!

And then there were more clips of aborted babies and they're freaking bloody and omg it's gross... And I kept pulling Joseph's sleeves... and kept screaming. Because it was really...

And there was like one part where the child's head was submerged in some water tank and it's floating around like argh!

And the last part! They showed the aborted baby's eyes. And they zoomed in... and it was staring at you... oh fuck!

I totally lost my appetite, and I really felt like vomiting.

I don't want to watch that video. Ever again.

2. On my way home, I stopped by Shop n' Save to buy something, and while I was queuing, I saw this couple at a few cashiers away.

So they were queuing up. And then they were next to this rack of condoms. The girl nudged the guy, and pointed to the condoms. The guy took one packet and added to his load. And they bought it. Omg. Nothing wrong but I felt it was so funny!

Then somehow we walked on the same way. So I was just following behind them. And I noticed something. The girl was wearing a white t-shirt, and she's wearing a black bra. Like... how provocative.

And I deduce the following conclusions:

a) They must be married, since they appear to be living together.
b) They must be damn rich. Like which married couple would be shopping in their home clothes on a Monday afternoon, if they're not rich? I bet they have some home-jobs or something lah.

---

Today, I got my results for the rest of my subjects. Here it goes:

Social Studies - SBQ: 18/25
SEQ - 8/25
Total - 26/50

Combined Humans - SS: 26/50
Lit: 31/50
Total: 57/100

Geography - Physical Geog/Paper 1: 30.5/50
Human Geog/Paper 2: Unknown as of yet

E-Maths - Paper 1: 32.5/80
Paper 2: 37.5/100
Total: 39/100

Science (Chemistry) - Paper 1: 13/20
Paper 3/Written: 19.5/45
Paper 3 Section B: 10/20
Paper 5/Practical: 9/15
Total: 51.5/100 or 26/50 (when combined with Physics, which I haven't gotten the whole marks for)

So yeah.

I'm disappointed in my Chem, seriously. Especially my Paper 3. It's like what the hell... this wrath is pushing me to want to get A1 for my Science.

Maths! I hate Maths to the core and omg it's my only F9 I suppose... like shit I've nothing to say about this stupid subject.

... ... ...

27 more days.

---

What should I do? While reminding myself that I should keep walking forward, I always look back...

It's not your fault or problem yet you are always dragged down with me, along with their insults. If anything, this is the only time when I don't want to be with you. If there should be insults, then please, just let it be me to hear them, and not you as well. I'm not afraid of you hating me because of the insults, because you would have even if there are no insults. I just don't want to see your embarrassed face...

...

"You see? I don't ask for you to forgive me some day
But if you were to fight alone now
That's the definite sign for me"

criminal - ayumi hamasaki

I wonder if you're facing this alone, just like me.

Together When...

2008-09-22T20:14:00.007+08:00

"We took a step back
Yet another step back afterward
So as to not be hurt again"

Together When... - ayumi hamasaki

...

I'm surprised, that we both decided to face it the same way. When they started shouting those stuff today, I ignored them, you ignored them.

I just feel so...

Suddenly, the reason to why you should hate me became so crystal clear. It really is so clear. And I could see it.

I bring humiliation upon you, and so I should leave, so that we can all be happy. Maybe except for me, but that doesn't really matter, I guess.

Our precious memories from the past, how could I bear to forget them?

Maybe this would be the best way. I pretend not to know you, you pretend not to know me. When people shout their stupid comments, we appear as if it doesn't bother us, though whether it does or not for you, I don't know.

I'm really happy that the past had certain things happen, and it'll always be this way.

---

Heh, results for Prelim 2 were released today. What can I say, I'm really disappointed in some, yet kind of neutral with some.

A breakdown of my lousy results first. Oh yeah, laugh all you want, I couldn't be bothered.

English: 57.5/100 C5 (OMG BIGGEST disappointment EVER!)
Higher Chinese: 63/100 B4 (I honestly thought I would get lower!)
Elective Literature : 31/50 (and I would still need to add the marks for SS)

Well, Physics was released too, but the MCQ wasn't, so I can't calculate the marks either. And I need to wait for Chemistry too.

I don't feel exactly exuberant about my results... I think I did really badly. And I'm really pissed at myself for English. I mean, I only got 18/30 for my Compo and Situational Writing... like omg I really think I should have gotten more, ESPECIALLY for my Compo. And guess what? I'm the only freaktard in the class who hasn't gotten a comment written by the marker. Pissed, once more.

And all these happened before recess, so you can imagine how extra-pissed I was when that stupid drama happened during recess...

Tomorrow, I'll get back my results for everything else. I'm expecting to do badly for Geography and Social Studies. And to basically score an F9 for Chem, like how I did for Physics.

But I'm not going to stop now. 4 more weeks/28 more days! I have to do well in this, I have to fufill my promise in the summer.

Yeah, I'm not going to act like a victim, like other people, whom when gotten their shitty results, whine and behave like a bastard during class when the teacher's going through the paper. I'm not a victim; I created my shit results.

And so I'll create a 6 points too.

---

Because I was afraid of losing again; I ran away, and didn't dare to ask anymore questions, or to wonder anymore.

...

"Should I leave my body, or remain trapped inside it?
Should I pretend I can see it, or is it just not there anyway?
Should I fight, or raise the white flag?
I'm not going to run away like a victim"

Mirrorcle World - ayumi hamasaki

Oh my God, I want it now! I want the DVD for Ayu's ASIA TOUR 2008 ~10th Anniversary~ to be out, like now! I'm so hyped up to buy and watch this, like seriously!

HANABI/End roll

2008-09-21T19:55:00.007+08:00

"So I walk on
And you walk on too
With light shining
On our two separate paths"

End roll - ayumi hamasaki

...

I chanced upon a leaflet today. You know what it was about? It's the leaflet for the Shell-MOE performance at the Botanical Gardens.

I looked at it. I read it.

That day... I felt really happy, and then I felt really sad. You could say that that day, 20th July, was the last day, so to speak.

I was with him for the whole day, yet it was really the last day. And we didn't talk to each other ever since. Well, it's kind of expected, I think. What should I be expecting, anyway?

And the more I thought of it, the deeper my heart sank. I cried. As in, tears really started building up and I cried. All because of a leaflet. I don't know.

They say that time will heal all scars. But don't they know that some scars will never heal?

On that day when you left, you made footprints on my memories...

It's not that I didn't want to stop, it's not that I couldn't, either. It's because I'm not used to it. But I'll try. Even if I were to not do anything now, surely, memories of you would not fade away.

I really want to know why you wanted to leave, why you hate me as much now. Unanswered questions, or maybe as what they say, the answer's pretty obvious.

I remember you asked me if you had done anything to "disiao (honestly, what the hell does this mean? But I could tell it's a negative thing...)" me. And I said no. I said you have not done anything.

I mean, what else could I say? I can't answer a question that I don't know the meaning of. Or rather, I could guess the meaning, but perhaps I didn't want my answer to sour our relationship, so I lied.

But again, you still hated me at the end of the day. Somehow, it feels that it wouldn't make a difference, whether I spoke the truth on that day or not.

But honestly, I don't see it as your fault. And I don't think you have done anything.

My answer would be:

You didn't do anything to "disiao" me, but everything you say and do has great impact on me, and they leave deep memories in my heart. Because you words and actions can tell me what you think and feel about me, so of course I'll take great notice of them. I don't have the courage to ask you about your thoughts and feelings, so I could only guess. That's why everything you say and do means so much to me.

Can you imagine just how stupid I would look if I had said that? Or how awkward it would have been?

Maybe if you are reading this, you would know. But so what? Nothing could be done. And you don't read this blog anyway, I think.

I could forget and move on easily if everything was so clear, and there was no memories to speak of.

But nothing is clear, and there are too many beautiful memories... How can I move on?

---

Well, today. I wasted today watching TV and playing Pokemon. Hahaha. I mean I decided to give myself a break since I was so tired because of yesterday... yeah and I woke up at 12 30. Really. Tired.

And I'm finally deciding to try the Battle Frontier on Pokemon Emerald, and I defeated two of the Frontier Brains and almost defeated another two. Ah. I need to try harder, after the O' Levels!

There would be a new timetable from tomorrow onwards, and I'm going home at 12 45 every day. Except for Day 2, since there's HCL in the afternoon.

I won't be going back to this place anymore, in time to come, it seems. Oh well.

...

"There's never a day on which I recall you
Because I have never for a day forgotten you

I want to see you, I want to see you
I don't know what to do, as you are
Smiling so tenderly only just in my memory"

HANABI - ayumi hamasaki

monochrome

2008-09-21T00:01:00.006+08:00

"I nodded and said to myself, "It's all right"
Because I'm just so strong"

monochrome - ayumi hamasaki

...

You know, at the end of this song, in the album, the song cuts off just at this last line. In the single, the song ends off with a man slamming a door and saying, "Yeah right!".

Either way, it's to show us that she is not all right with it (separating), and she's not strong at all.

Really, I feel this way now.

This post will be colored, once again, to show the contrast of monochrome.

Well, yesterday was Hwee Young's birthday. So, Happy Birthday Hwee Young!

And we had a celebration for this.

So, in the afternoon, I met Justin Onggo at Novena first, before we went off to Dhoby Gaut. We were there super early, so we went to shop at Marks & Spencer!

Oh my God, I love this place more and more! We checked their toiletries and omg so nice! We actually tried all their colonge and deodarents, and I tried their Mango Body Butter... omg my hands smelt like mango ice-cream!

Then, we rushed off back to the MRT station to meet Nicholas Tan, Hwee Young, Hui Xiong and Chek Siang. Apparently, Ye Rong was eating MacDonalds at PS, so yeah rushed him over here before we went to Cineleisure.

Then we went o KBox. And well, in the room, it was just so chaotic. People running about and creating unneccessary noises. Like hello, we're here to sing.

Anyway things settled down and it was quite peaceful towards the end.

Anyway, we got cheated. I so didn't know that there was $24 additional charge of tidbits that's COMPULSORY. And then, there's like $1.50 per person, for song copyright or something.

...

Then, we went to PS again, this time by foot.

Then, yeah we went to Swensen's, but before, some embarrassing thing happened. Shall not say anything.

Oh, at Swensen's, omg the food is nice. Haha. And the ice-cream cake, omg, it's delicious with a capital D, but I mean it costs $90+ so obviously it HAS TO BE nice.

Then chatted for a while before we went to the arcade and omg Nicholas Tan has some beginner's luck or something. He tried the machine where you pinch a toy and he got it on his very first try. And then James Onggo helped him get a second one.

I want a toy too.

As in, I can't operate that machine but, I want someone to get the toy and give it to me.

And not just someone or anyone, but, that person.

And then we went home.

O' Levels are 30 days away, but let's take it as 29 since this day is sort of 'wasted', since I didn't study at all.

I just can't seem to find anything else to say about generic stuff...

Oh, I saw about three to five beautiful women at the arcade, and they're like having their assess grabbed by their boyfriends. Wow, love. And two of them are like super super super pretty omg.

Wow, I sound so excited.

---

I won't make things difficult for you. I'll try my best not to.

If I thought that you had some reason, I would be deluding myself, because such a situation would be just too happy.

I don't know. I'm tired of guessing.

Reminisce? I hope I could always do that.

I apologize to everyone for my cynical post yesterday, by the way.

...

"I see your smile
So dear and dazzling
I'm living every day
To see your smile"

MY ALL - ayumi hamasaki

Something so beautiful that it's sad...

independent

2008-09-19T20:36:00.003+08:00

"You come up next to me
And talk about nonsense
You're trying, despite your
Clumsiness, to encourage me"

independent - ayumi hamasaki

...

I remember I was crying, and you told me, "I don't like emo people." Something so small, so insignificant, but it made me feel a lot happier. If somehow, I could return to the days when you cared for me, and said hi in your way to me when you see me, and walk back a few steps to talk to me, wouldn't it be nice?

I don't want anyone in the world to be nice to me, because no one is anyway. I'm sorry to those who cared but...

I just want you to be nice. If I could exchange the kindness and tenderness of the world for your kindness and tenderness, I would.

I don't know why, but I just suddenly started missing you very badly. Like whenever I feel upset, or unjust, and it feels like everything is going against me, I would visit the Primary school canteen, I would go to the multipurpose court, I would walk to and fro the 4th floor corridor.

Because those places held close memories.

I remember you said that I am a person who cries very easily, so to prove you wrong, I tried not to shed tears. But, maybe you were right. It seems that you know me more than I know myself, isn't it?

I said it was all right, and continued with you hating me, and no explanation, with nothing resolved.

But I didn't feel all right at all. What was I afraid of? I told myself that I would never ever be able to find a chance to talk to you privately, where nobody would be around to pass their cynical comments, and so, I decided not to explain myself, and let you continue hating me.

And let the past memories fade away...

Do you even remember that you were nice to me?

People come up and tell me things about you, they tell me that you said hi to them, they told me that you slapped their ass, they told me this, they told me that.

I'm really happy that you're still being that relaxed and friendly person you always are, but it still hurts so badly when I realized that you will never do those things to me. Not anymore.

While my mind was thinking of something positive, like you don't say 'hi' to me, you always say something else... but... in the end, I can only accept the fact that it was a thing of the past.

Why can't I die now? I, somehow, wish to die now, so that my affection for you is strong even when I am dead. I know I'm being very foolish, right?

My heart bleeds too, when your friends shout your name as I walk past. I wish they would shut up too. Are they the reason to why you hate me now?

But no, it's not their my fault. It's my fault. If I didn't exist, they would have done such things, I think.

Having and then losing is worse than never having.

Don't be sad it's over, smile that it happened.

Whichever way you choose to think, you can't deny the fact that you have lost.

I have thought of both ways before, but I cannot escape from the blatant truth. Reality will stay stark as it is.

I don't know if I should feel happy or sad.

Happy that we had spent days together.

Sad that we are in such a state.

Even if I were to feel happy today, there would be a day when I would feel upset, missing the moments with you.

Even if I were to feel sad today, there would be a day when I can laugh that we spent such days together.

You see? I can't have a set emotion for such a thing.

So I guess, I'll feel what I feel today.

And today, I feel sad. I feel empty.

It's always the same questions repeating over and over again, isn't it?

Something like, "Why were you so nice to me?", or "Why did you leave?"...

Unresolved questions, as always.

Staring at the future without your warmth, I embrace myself to walk.

I'm sure tomorrow... will have memories of you whether I'm happy or if the sky is crying.

Ha, the above two lines are new lyrics.

I'm sure tomorrow... I like this phrase.

Honestly, I wanted to blog about exams and my study life and some other general life thing, but typing all these has drained my energy. Maybe next time, if I feel like it.

But before that.

You know, I don't get people sometimes. I mean somehow it's very funny that someone gets 5/100 for a test. I mean, what's so funny? And they nickname that someone 'Five', because of that stupid result.

Have those idiots ever gotten a single digit for their exams? Do they ever know how it feels like? Elitists, insensitive bastards. I dare you, I dare you to call me "Two", because I scored 2/100 for my A-Maths before. I mean not everyone who laughed are such people, but still, I don't think it's a funny thing to get 5/100.

...

"This short summer will come to an end
I'll be with you at the moment, too
As I know
Nothing is so nice as the ordinary days"

Greatful days - ayumi hamasaki

Greatful is a portmanteau of great and grateful. And summer has already ended.

...

"'MARIA' All the people who love someone
And get hurt...

As I look around
Everyone is bustling about
Passing by quickly

I've noticed
There are signs of winter
Coming so close to us this year

There are surely two people somewhere in this city today
Who meet and catch each other's eye
The curtain rises dramatically

But as with everything
There comes an end
Inevitably, someday

There are surely two people somewhere in this city today
Who choose the way of separation
The curtain falls quietly

'MARIA' There is a person I love
I feel so lonely sometimes
But my heart is filled up in the end
By the person I love

'MARIA' There is a person I love
I get hurt so deeply sometimes
But my heart is healed in the end
By the person I love

'MARIA' Everyone is weeping
But they want to believe
So they are praying
May it be the last love

The beginning comes without reason
And the ending always has a reason ..."

M - ayumi hamasaki

theme of a-nation '03

2008-09-17T23:44:00.003+08:00

"I remember the summer festivals I had often been to
Where we held fast each others' hand not to be separated

Everything was shining, nothing to fear
And I was pursuing nothing but the beautiful dreams

The passing wind is so soft somehow
That tears are running down my cheeks

Memories are sweet because we passed through the time
However sad now, we can talk about it with a smile some day

There was something I lost while I was growing up
But see, I have my dearest person now

The passing wind was so soft somehow
I will love you at this time tomorrow

Please treasure time, not to regret later, as it's irreplaceable
Please don't forget, however much we pray later, we can never get back this time"

theme of a-nation '03 - ayumi hamasaki

...

If there's something I want now, is for us to be like how we were in the past. In that summer, I felt everything - your hands, your voice, your smile...

Even though I don't really know why you just left like that, but it most likely would be my fault, I always thought that there was some kind of a reason.

Wherever you are now, do you still remember whatever that happened in the past? Do the memories sometimes strike you? Do you miss anything?

I really miss the past. I really want to live in the past, again, forever.

I didn't want to let anyone know that I am upset over your depature, so I always smiled, so that I could lie. I'm not saying that there's nothing to be happy about, but as always, departures aren't meant to be celebratory events.

But you left. And you are not going to return anymore. Even if I were to wish and pray very hard, you are still not going to be like you were to me last time. Why? I always keep asking why, but I must have done something wrong to deserve this.

If it pains you to be nice to me, then don't be. You know that too, right?

But I'm really sorry, as in I didn't want other people to be laughing at you too. Every time they start shouting your name, I mean I'm not enjoying that either, and when you're not there, they'll still talk to each other about me. I'm not enjoying that. I didn't want things to be like that too, I didn't want everyone to know, I didn't want any of these to happen... You said it yourself too, that it's not funny. I feel the same way.

What else can I do?

You left on that day, and left footprints on my memories. Although you still asked about me on that last day, beautiful as it appears to be, I know why you're asking. I know why you're searching, I know why you're checking.

That summer was really...

June, July, August. July was the happiest period of time I ever had, despite having unhappiness from band and competitions, I never regretted, because July... I was always by your side. I won't ever be again...

I know you don't remember and care, and couldn't be bothered to, but you don't have to if you don't want to. You know that too, right?

I want that time back, I want you back. But that will never happen.

I don't ask for your love, but really, for that past few months when you were nice to me, like you were to your friends, I was really happy. That was really enough for me, but... It's always me to think of this as simple.

I will try very hard to move on too. Just like you already have.

...

"Even now I don't understand
The meaning of growing up

But I wonder
Where that girl or that boy in my memory
Is now walking and aiming for

Daybreak comes quickly these days
The scent of wind has changed

It seems familiar and unfamiliar
It makes my heartbeat quicker
Sweet and sad

We ran through the road to the sea
Screaming with laughter innocently
In the far away summer days

The childhood memories are still in my heart
We never knew
What would be waiting for in our futures

What is left is what we chose
It's not casual at all

If the universe has a will
I think it surely worked on us
Tender and precious

How many times have I sought for something
Found and lost it
Since that time?

But your smile has taught me
That we are now
In the closest place to forever

We ran through the road to the sea
Screaming with laughter innocently
In the far away summer days

How many times have I sought for something
Found and lost it
Since that time?

But your smile has taught me
That we are now
In the closest place to forever"

fairyland - ayumi hamasaki

Take me back to fairyland, please...

It was

2008-09-15T20:36:00.003+08:00

"The season I had with you was the most dazzling one
Everything we saw was full of brilliance
Since when did we come to want too much?
Though it should be just enough that we were close"
It was - ayumi hamasaki

---

Since when did you come to want me to leave?

Since when did I come to want to always stay by your side?

...

All right, I've not blogged for five days, which means (quite) a lot of events to update on! Here we go!

The past few days were an endless roll of exams, exams and exams.

When did I last update... I can't remember.

Oh yes, Wednesday.

Well, the next day was some paper that I didn't take... what was it... erm erm... oh yeah it's History. So I stayed at home and slacked. Yeah I didn't study Physics, which was on the next day. Oh my...

And Physics was the WORST paper ever! The questions in there, like the Chemistry paper, are actually super easy if you studied... and because I didn't... I just kept looking around while trying *very hard* to remember stuff. But I heard the PURE Physics (yeah I'm just a Combined no0b... omg no0b is an official word?) paper was a lot harder. Oh well. Poor guys.

Hmm, so Saturday, I was supposed and wanted to go to school to study with Nicholas Tan. But I didn't, because I'm a bloody coward.

Anyway, I wanted to wake up at 8am to study at the library and I ended up waking up at 11 30. Like omg! Then I felt so listless and depressed for the whole day because I wasn't at school... so I didn't touch any books! I was so pissed at myself!

Sunday... I woke up at 9 15 and slacked around and OFFICIALLY started studying at about 2pm. I read through some Geography stuff before I got fed up and decided to study it during the three hour (or so) break between E-Maths and Geography the next day.

So, I decided to study Maths! But I was too lazy to do practice questions so I read through the notes that Miss Png gave and memorized as much as I could.

Okay, finally today. Came to school blah blah blah then proceeded to the hall. Well, apparently someone blabbered too much during Morning Assembly that by the time he finished blabbering it was like 7 58 already. And the paper was supposed to start at 8am. So because of that person, we started at 8 15 and ended at 10 45, and then some idiotic hold up, and we actually got dismissed at 11 10. And my Geog paper starts at 14 00. It's not three hours anymore, so I got pissed.

Oh wait, I forgot to talk about E-Maths Paper 2! Okay, it's basically the same as Paper 1, as in there were quite a few questions that I could but there were the omg ones that were just impossible! The thing about Paper 2 is that some of the questions are so freaking easy, like the Set Notation/Matrices and Speed one... while some supposingly easy ones, like Vectors were twisted into some illogical shit. And of course, circles my weakness, and not to forget all the geometric stuff.

And I didn't finish the question. I should have done the Graph question first lah, it was so easy!...

Anyway, I went to the library to study Geography. But I spent most of my time chatting with people instead, and I got enlightened. Sort of.

Then it was Geography. Went to the hall blah blah and started doing.

Hmm, I chose to do Industries and Food Geography.

Ah, Industries was super easy but Food Geography was... hmm.

I wanted to do Human Development, but the level marking question looked kind of difficult, so I did Food Geography.

And I just have one thing to say. The FG's LM question wasn't as easy and write-able as it appeared to be. Oh well!

So, I went home after that.

Hmm, tomorrow is Biology, and I don't take Biology. You know what that means? NO SCHOOL! Oh yeah. And tomorrow is my sister's birthday too. Same birthday as MM Lee Kuan Yew (poor man who got admitted to the hospital a few days ago, and believe it or not, the newspaper actually did a small trivial article on the same page about his ailment).

Wednesday is Lit, which is like some destressing paper for me. Hahaha. And it starts at 11 00. Like what the hell, can't it just start at 8 so that I can go home early?

Thursday is Pure Physics and Pure Chemistry, and as I said, I'm a Combined no0b, so what does that mean? NO SCHOOL!

And Friday is my Science MCQ Paper. Yeah, and end of Prelim 2.

I don't know how I would do, I don't want to know yet.

What else.

Oh yeah, the match I was looking forward to of the EPL, Man Utd vs Liverpool on Saturday... the score was 1 2. As in, 1 (and) 2. Man Utd lost to Liverpool like eew man I wanted Man Utd to win. Oh well.

And I realized. I LOVE TO PLAY WITH MY HAIR! I like stroking the back, and flicking the sides... and stroking the front too. And I like people to play with my hair too. But not just anyone, obviously.

---

"The season I was with you was the shortest one
I felt everything we saw was sweet
What did we leave and what did we lose?
And I wonder how long it takes from now until I can accept it"
It was - ayumi hamasaki

CAROLS/Hatred...

2008-09-10T20:37:00.004+08:00

"Tears welled up in my eyes
When I thought it would be nice
If I could forgive my past some day"
CAROLS - ayumi hamasaki

...

Sadly, I just don't have the courage to do so...

Let's see. There's this show that I watch, 7pm on Channel 8, well some thought arose from me while watching it.

Today, this woman, who was the ex-girlfriend of this guy, who is now already married, plotted to make his current wife, who happens to be sort of like her friend, have a miscarriage. I don't wish to go on detail about how the miscarriage happened because it's really gross.

The point is, I really hate her. As in that evil slut. I hate her to the core. I wish she would die in the end or something...

I hate such people. You know what they love doing? They like to twist the meaning of love, using love as an excuse to harm people, and rob others' happiness. The thing is, if you really love someone, shouldn't his/her happiness be your priority? After all, in love there is only one law, and that is to make your love happy.

Even if you couldn't physically and personally make your love happy, you can do it in other ways too. For example, if your love hates you, then making yourself disappear from his/her sight can make him/her happy too. Or if he/she already has another lover, then giving them your true blessings will make him/her happy too.

I really hate such people. I don't know understand why they see the need to do such a thing. It's sadistic, evil and cruel. Love is a sacred emotion and to taint it with such selfish methods is just...

But you know, if you hate someone, you most probably possess that person's trait which you detest.

So, this means, that I am like that evil slut.

Am I?

I am selfish, right?

I mean, it's not really about knowing myself and the nature of the things and words that I do and say... but rather, it's by a simple clue/hint. Because he hates me, it means that I am like that evil slut.

Robbing his happiness away.

Did I really do that?

I keep telling myself that at least he was really happy at those times and all that... but the truth is, I don't even know it myself. I don't even know if he was truly happy, just by his laughter, smiles and seemingly interest in interacting. Like if you're friends with someone, those are some things you would do, right? And I thought so too.

And I mean... I know I couldn't be hated without any reasons, so there must be at least a reason. I don't know the reason(s) but I could guess just as much...

You know, they say that he really hated me and was all along 'playing'. And all along, I only thought, 'Playing couldn't be as detailed and well-planned as this.' And I also thought, 'I will only believe what he says.' The thing is... he never told me, so I could only guess. Not guess from other people's opinions, but rather from his words, his actions... In the end, there's no conclusion because both sides of the spectrum exist. It's confusing but...

Am I really that evil slut? Taking his happiness away like that? But I chose to leave, right? I chose to not bother him any more, right? And so he seems happy now, at least from where I could see him. I am happy because of that. I am sad because of that.

Happy because he is happy.

Sad because I couldn't be a reason for his happiness.

Four years in this school, each year except for Sec1 revolved around one man. Somehow, I wish I could be a Sec2 again.

I remember... it was like just lust and infatuation then, so the heartache wasn't that serious, and I could get the thrills, just by looking, because it was lust. So appearance was all that mattered.

Each year, the feelings get more love-like, and more serious. My last year... and I feel this time, I have really felt love. But it feels so wrong at the same time.

I remember contemplating whether to go for band this afternoon, like just for a while... And Shawn Yuen told me, 'If I want to go, then I should just go.'

I know, and I understand. But I couldn't bring myself to do it.

I don't want to make him unhappy again. I don't want to humiliate him again.

His friends can make fun of me when they see me for all I care, as long as they don't bother him. But things don't always go the way you want them to, right?

At this point of time, I realized I don't need those precious things anymore. The bottle, the watch, I am going to keep them at somewhere in my house, and get a new watch, a new bottle over the weekend. Next week, they will be away from me.

It's not because I am over. It's because those are just things. The memories that come with them... are always with me. Even the watch which I said, 'Wearing it makes me feel that he is always by my side."... now, I can always feel that he is always by my side, because I have memories.

I... A sudden of nostalgia rushes through me now...

If I could find someone whom I could reminisce everything to, I would. But hey, I have. Myself.

If leaving would be the best way, then so be it. I am really grateful for whatever that has happened. Even if there is now a tinge of regret that he hates me, I don't know what to do anymore.

He used to walk back a few steps to talk to me, now we past by each other without a word or signal. And he will only walk back a few steps for others.

The exit to this labyrinth is near, isn't it?

To think that all I wanted was for him to be nice to me, and to be friends with me. I honestly thought that if such a thing were to happen, I would be really really really very happy.

But I forgot that... I shouldn't be asking for anything. And because I forgot that, I created the hatred he has for me now. Even though it feels like it's all his friends' fault, but I can't blame them, can I? I only have myself to blame.

Love is a sacred wrath.

But Love encompasses not only Jealousy, but Tolerance, Forgiveness, Acceptance and Understanding too. Because I can do all these, I know it's love. The truest love so far in my life. I don't want to fall in love with anyone else in the future.

I am praying, that this is my last love.

...

"Even if I'm sad today And I'm weeping tomorrow, The day will come when I can say 'There were such days,' and smile"
SEASONS - ayumi hamasaki

---

Well, today was the Science Practical exam... and well the waste of time waiting and the sweltering heat in the lab were... to die for.

Well, let's just talk about the exam first.

Physics was definitely super easy, and my graph looked kind of nice, so I guess that's good.

Chemistry... was fun, to say. The yellow glitter was so beautiful but Miss Jazliah said we must name them as 'crystals'... omg. I wrote 'Yellow ppt turned into shining yellow glitter'... or something like that. LOL. I also screwed the first question... where I wrote there was hydrogen AND oxygen produced when heating R, but well, only oxygen was produced and I didn't wait until the R has fully been heated... omg I hate these kind of waiting things, especially with burining/heating. They take forever! Chemistry experiments... cooking... I'm always so impatient!

But besides that, I think all was okay.

Anyway, after the exam, I had to get locked up in the Music Room for 2 hours and 15 minutes. Well, at least the Music Room was air conditioned... I feel sorry for the 4D people who were TRAPPED in the art room!

Well, while waiting, watched exciting recitals on the piano by a lot of people, and Mr. Low! And towards the end... omg there were people asking Miss Jazliah about Muslim related stuff.

Anyway, finally got released and went home. And here I am! Hahaha. Tomorrow, there's no school for me, because it's History tomorrow and I don't take History. Hahaha.

Ah, (stones as he thinks on something happy to end the post...)... ... ... hmm oh! Pictures! Hahaha.

Heh. Get ready please, for Justina Tey look-a-like.

The last one! I think the last photo... she really looks like Justina Tey! The girl on the right, by the way. And like... this is the Blue Ranger from MagiRanger. Omg... really looks like Justina Tey!!! Okay, now I think she's prettier than the Pink Ranger (please check a few posts back for reference pictures...)!

Okay, this one is a video her in the MagiRanger... this one should be Stage 47 (third last episode), where she and Hikaru sensei get MARRIED! I have not watched this video for a long time... but I think there should be a part where she's in the wedding gown. And you can see it clearer in video... REALLY LOOKS LIKE JUSTINA TEY!

She's like Justina Tey with bigger eyes and a bigger mouth. Like seriously...

This guy. Looks like Lucas. I mean Lucas Ng. Okay I think I chose a wrong photo, but like the Blue Ranger, it's hard to tell on the photos... but once you look at them like on videos... it's really look-a-like! Stairway to Heaven is on repeat at Channel U at 6pm every weekday. He seriously looks like Lucas too. But Kwon Sang Woo is so hot...

And lastly.

There's NOTHING that I hate about this photo. Everything is perfect.

Close up on Ayu's GORGEOUS face:

Yeah, my job's done! =D

Nostalgia

2008-09-09T20:38:00.002+08:00

"Please treasure time, not to regret later, as it's irreplaceable
Please don't forget, however much we pray later, we can never get back this time"
theme of a-nation '03 - ayumi hamasaki

...

Today was Chemistry and Geography... omg feel like slapping myself. Both papers were super easy but I only know how to do Geography!

I mean, I guess I have to blame myself because I didn't really study Chemistry... and when I looked at the paper, all the questions are so easy and the answer can be easily obtained if I memorized facts... omg I'm so angry at myself!

Geography... easy questions, so no problem for this one!

Right now, dangers are Chemistry and E-Maths. Not forgetting Physics this Friday.

Tomorrow is the Science Practical exam. I'm in shift 2 so I'll be 'locked up' in the student centre for 2 hours. Oh wtf... I hate waiting for nothing.

1 month and 11 days to O' Levels. Let's count down... and get prepared for whatever that we need to face!

Anyway, you know... sometimes I don't know if I should blame other people. Maybe I was always someone who found other people to blame, but in the end, I end up blaming myself. Most of the time, anyway.

Well, the thing is, I think, and I wonder, and after analyzing... I don't see how I was in the wrong.

It seemed like the problem was because they were laughing at you.

But again, they wouldn't, if I didn't exist.

Is it their fault? Is it my fault? Is anyone supposed to be blamed?

... If only you saw for your own eyes, what they did to me. I should always remember... that I shouldn't ask for anything from you, and shouldn't make it sound like I deserve anything.

Yes, I can see what's going on around me, and I can see what's going on around you. I know who laughs and mocks, and who makes it look like it's very funny. You know that too, right?

If there's anything I want badly, besides my secret wish, then it would be that I can have at least one day of peace at school.

Keep walking, right?

Anyway, let's shake off this unnecessary and selfish unhappiness! I have a video to entertain everyone!

And in case you're wondering... this what the guy has been saying throughout the video.

In chronological order:

Hello.
Come back. Fighting spirit. OK!
Me too...
Let's battle, come on Org!
By the way-
It's... karaoke!
WHY?
No problem da yo!
Yes! Senshi ni COME BACK!
GaoMadillo, kick off!
GOALLLL!!
Unbelievable!
Oh! Dangerous and strange!
That's right.
It's good idea!
Aww, silly!
Oh! It's a big chance!
Jesus!
Goddamn. (x3)
Oh my god! (x2)

The funniest ones to me were the Oh my God and the Oh! Dangerous and strange!... He pronounced "strange" as stran-gee... omg! It's seriously very funny, and it sounds so cute too! Hahaha!

...

"The summer has come again and again since then
But why am I looking back upon the past again
Tracing the footprints?

I remember everything even now
Your voice calling my name, your casual habits
I want to forget, and I don't want to forget

Did I choose the right way?
But I keenly understand there is no answer
Whomever I may ask it to

Please tell me some day that you are happy
And smile

I gently lock the memories away
Leaving them to be beautiful

This feeling, this feeling, go up into the sky
And be dispersed beautifully like a firework"
HANABI ~episode II~ - ayumi hamasaki

Once again, my exact thoughts and feelings.

Hmm.

2008-09-08T20:22:00.004+08:00

"If someone asked me why I loved the way I did, I would answer, 'Because the two of us were real.' That would be my only answer"
- anonymous

---

And the reason to why I am so persistent, is because that summer wasn't a lie. As long as it was true, even if it was transient, I would be okay with it.

Let's talk about yesterday! Yesterday evening/night, I went on a DATE with Xing Hao, yes just the two of us at Braddell's MacDonalds.

We were studying Maths, and I remembered it was very cold. Like freezing.

Oh yes, I practised Paper 2 questions like mad but guess what? Today's paper was actually Paper 1 and I only realized that like towards the end of our date. I'm so blur, but at least I'm quite prepared for next week's Paper 2.

Our short date lasted for 3.5 hours...

And I went home.

I sound unenthusiastic for a date...

Anyway, today's E-Maths Paper 1 was... I don't know. I know most of the questions there, with only 5 questions being a BIG mystery to me (don't worry the paper has more than 5 questions)... I feel like I could score well, but it's Maths after all, so I shan't harbor any hope.

Tomorrow is Chemistry and Geography Paper 1. I'm prepared for this one! My favorite subjects on the same day means that I will be kept high!

... .... ... I'm running low of things to write. But it's better than the lengthy posts that always talk about the same thing every day, I think. Right?

Oh look at this!

Oh my God... overflowing with cuteness.

---

If I don't do what I do, then... how would you be? Because I don't know anything, I'm doing what I think I can do to change everything.

"I can smile naturally about this time tomorrow
As if nothing had happened
I've always walked in such a manner
But I can't control this game as I wish"
GAME - ayumi hamasaki

Memorial address

2008-09-06T20:53:00.003+08:00

"The sorrow I had thought to be endless came to an end
The season has changed, I feel bitterly cold
I will never forget that first day of summer
The sky kept on weeping instead of me this year
I feel as if I were living in the continuation of the dream
And I can't even cry now"
Memorial address - ayumi hamasaki

---

"The sorrow I had thought to be endless came to an end..."

Or has it not?

Autumn is here; the season has changed... and I can really feel the effects. The strong wind, the cold rain, I feel cold... everywhere...

Anyway! I have finished watching my Super Sentai Magirangers from Epsiode 1 to Episode 49 AND a special movie AND a special episode AND the Magirangers VS Dekarangers movie... in 4 days!

Maybe it's not a big deal, but I usually don't watch shows until that sort of madness... so yeah. New record me for me! Hahaha!

Hmm... I went to school today to 'study' with Nicholas Tan, and Albert was there too. I was supposed to be there at 10am but I woke up late and so... I was an hour late. Oops! And, I didn't really study! I was busy chatting with Nicholas and Albert... omg, the dangers of studying with friends.

Then at about 1 30, when band ended, Nicholas and Albert went off to eat lunch with some sec1s... and I studied until like 3pm before I went home.

Eh... what else. Oh! You know, I put my hit counter on the blog like about a month ago... a month later, and omg this blog has reached 1018 hits like OH MY GOD! I honestly do not know who has been reading this blog, but I guess as long as it can entertain them, then it's okay! Everything will be okay! =)

My posts are getting short, right? Well, what else can I talk about? If there's nothing, then I should stop.

People with a great eye can know how I feel through hints in every post. Can you find it? Can you find my Secret?

Hahaha.

See you!

---

"Good-bye, even my last words don't reach you
I'm made to realize the coldness of the parting
I wish I could have heard from you
That you never regretted the days we had spent together
Only once, even if it had been a lie"
Memorial address - ayumi hamasaki

Hello!

2008-09-03T20:37:00.013+08:00

"Please don't say any more
Leave me this way now
And let me make an obvious excuse"
GUILTY - ayumi hamasaki

---

HELLO! I've so much in mind to blog today... so here we go!

Hmm, today, I went to school at like 10 30 to study with Jack. But in the end, we sat separately because I didn't like where he sat (too dark) and he didn't want to move to where I was... so yeah, ended up studying alone.

And I don't even know if this is counted as 'studying', because I ONLY did ONE chapter of Geography! I brought Chem, Geog, E-Maths to do there and I only did a small fraction of one of the three... oh my God. The worst thing was, I was in school from 10 30 to 16 00. What a waste of time... I need better time management!

It's raining now... like ooh how emo-licious.

Anyway, due to my extremely boring times in front of the computer, I have tired to occupy myself and I have found something!

www.crunchyroll.com

I go to that website and watch the original, Japanese version of POWER RANGERS!

I know this sounds damn retarded but trust me, it's damn nice!

I'm watching the Super Sentai Magiranger now... and checking through all the series on Wikipedia... it seems like this series is the best, and has the CUTEST GIRLS in it! I'm posting pictures of them later on... =D!

I know everyone thinks Power Rangers sucks, thanks to the defaming by the USA version... but the Japanese one is REALLY VERY NICE!!! Like in the first episode, their mother got killed by a villian, then in the second episode, the five of them were like crying over their mother's death, and there was some emo music playing at the background, like wtf tearjerker! I don't see this in the USA version?!

There's also one epsiode where one of the girls was like being very brutally honest and she told the youngest sibling, 'Don't hide magazines under your bed!'.... I mean wtf, it's obviously PORN magazines, like damn funny can.

And the two girls always wear super short mini-skirts when they're in their human form... and omg one episode they were at the beach and the wind was like so strong, and their skirts kept dancing about... hmm...

I sound perverted, but if you know me... hahaha.

Okay, pictures time!

Okay, this one is the blue ranger (as you can obviously tell)... she's super cute can... she's like always behaving so calm and composed but she's super cute when she gets flustered... I'm serious! And she looks like Mrs. Justina Tey!!! Like, she doesn't really look like her in these pictures, but when you watch her on the show... she totally looks like Mrs. Justina Tey but with bigger eyes and teeth... oh my.

This one is the PINK ranger and she is my FAVORITE out of all of the power rangers... I said the blue ranger was cute but this one is 100000000000000000x cuter omg! She always says, 'Yahoo!' or 'Yay!' like lmao it's seriously funny... I laugh like almost every time I see her on the show! She's really just so... omg screaming out with cuteness..

Anyway, Happy Birthday, Saw!

---

"If we tell too much
The truth becomes blurred
Because words are sometimes so powerless
And disturb our thoughts"
decision - ayumi hamasaki

...

2008-09-02T20:35:00.003+08:00

"Oh, I'll remember once more that I shouldn't take for granted
The things which I think I'll always have"
Life - ayumi hamasaki

---

I've lost something precious forever. I don't wish to lose the memories that come with it. I want to always remember, so that I'll always be reminded that I was once cared for... If I get senile dementia one day... I'll really literally die.

I'm having a good time watching TV from 15 30 to 20 00... omg there are really very good shows in those times.

I've promised myself not to mention about you anymore but I find myself always inevitably mentioning you... but again I don't wish to forget, so...

In life, there are many things that I've gained, and many things that I've lost. Sometimes, I gain because I lost. I think that's the most painful gain... Like gaining memories because you lost someone. I don't want such a gain. I'd rather want you.

But again, some things can't be willed, if they aren't meant to be.

You have taught me that I shouldn't take for granted, the things that I think I'll always have. It's just like how in the past, I thought that I could always be by your side, so I made decisions and did things that upset everyone.

Regret has never come as unexpected and sorrowful as now.

I feel erasing everything that I've written... this isn't the sort of posts that I'm supposed to be posting.

... I don't feel saying any more.

- I'll go on a new journey, though I know that I will still always love you... -

---

"I thought for sure I'd just go on walking, laughing, breathing,
And carrying on with the mindless conversations as always"
Life - ayumi hamasaki

Lalala.

2008-09-01T22:28:00.003+08:00

"Memories are always beautiful
In the eyes of everyone
In the same way"
Marionette - ayumi hamasaki

---

Well, today is the 1st of September... first day of a new month! It's time to start all over again (argh another 30 days to October...) and a new month will be like a new beginning! So let's make the most out of the present!

Anyway, I don't know why so many people are wishing Happy Teacher's Day on Friday, when Teacher's Day is actually TODAY! Haha! They must be confused with the celebrations going on Friday instead... Well, the September holidays have already started... you can feel that the holidays are getting earlier each year. That's because O' Levels are moving earlier each year too!

Hmm... today was such a waste of time! I only watched TV omg... no studying done. What is this? I really have to start studying from tomorrow onwards... next Monday is E-Maths! I think I wll surely die but oh well at least I shoud study for it so that I won't let myself down.

Oh, I forgot to wish all teachers a Happy Teacher's Day! Teaching is a tough profession so yeah, kudos to you guys!

I hope my posts from now on won't be so boring as in the past anymore! ^^

---

"We can look back on the past
Because we passed there
We stopped and stepped forward again"
Marionette - ayumi hamasaki

fairyland

2008-08-31T20:30:00.003+08:00

"How many times have I sought for something
Found and lost it
Since that time?"
fairyland - ayumi hamasaki

---

Time passes by very quickly, and it's already the 31st of August. Today is the last day of summer. A strange, nostalgic feeling that makes me both happy and sad is overcoming me...

Everything was like the clouds in the sky. The clouds float through the sky, without leaving and trace of their memories behind. However, just for passing through the blue sky, even if it's just for once, should be enough.

I guess one stark difference is that while the clouds dissipitate into rain, and the rain that falls onto the earth will eventually become part of the sky as clouds again...

For me, everything has dissipitated into nothingness. And nothing cannot become something again. It's just like how when paper becomes ash, but ash cannot become paper. Something irreversible.

Summer will come again next year, but will you? Sometimes the memories are so precious that I don't wish to ever pass by the time.

Maybe I was lucky in the past, when I could have lost that person, that moment, that time, that memory... but still found it back.

Now, the saddening echoes in my heart remind me keenly, that I've lost it forever.

I've lost everything forever. I've lost everything between the two of us forever.

This may sound sad, but I don't know why, I don't feel as sad as how I thought I would be... or should be.

What does this mean?

Does this mean that everything doesn't mean anything to me? But I know it's not true...

I suppose, as I mentioned before, just being able to ride the blue sky, even if it's just for once, is enough.

It's really enough. Of course, I'm not saying that a longer time is bad, but oh well... if it has ended, then I shouldn't force it to continue.

The memories are enough for me to reminisce for the rest of my life.

No matter how sad it feels like to me now, I know I will be able to laugh at the times that I had with you some day.

Every story has an ending. But every ending is a new beginning. You will always be in my heart, and our moments will always be in my memories. But since you've moved on, then I shouldn't stay here and thus mislead others into thinking that you are at fault. I will move on too.

Like I always say...

I will start a new journey, though I know that I will still always love you...

Somewhere in Japan, as the last day of the a-nation concerts comes to an end in a few hours' time, the fireworks will be set, and they will fill the sky.

Fireworks, beautiful and transient, just like you.

I remember the band camp.

I remember the embarrassing times when I would cry in front of you, and while you say, "Don't be emo".

I remember the times when I was by your side in the band room, and while you were playing the songs, I was watching your concentrating and serious profile.

I remember the moments when we would laugh at the stupid things, like the print on t-shirt. "X marks the spot."

I remember (oh my God...) playing soccer for the first time, and how you scolded me... and then apologized immediately.

I remember the two times when you unwrapped lollipops for me.

I remember that day when we were in the band room together, as I was with you, while you were reading FHM and eating.

I remember so many more things that I couldn't type everything out. I'm scared that I'll start shedding tears.

I remember this summer. I will always remember it.

Your dazzling smile, your gentle voice, your warm hands.

I remember how the sky looked like, and how the wind was blowing.

This year, the happiest thing was to be able to stay by your side.

---

"How long
Have we spent time together ?

How far
Have we advanced together ?

The sparkling crystals
We have left behind

Are now shining proudly here
Though they may not be perfect

Honestly
I can't say
That it was all fun and joyful
But always, I wasn't alone

I want to show you a dream
I hope you will have
A never-ending and lasting dream
This is my wish

I want to protect you
Whatever may happen
I'll go on protecting you
With all my might

Even now, I can say definitely
That I don't have a regret

We have always fought it out
With all our might

Honestly
I had some hard nights
And the days I felt unbearable
But always, I wasn't alone

I see your smile
So dear and dazzling
I'm living every day
To see the smile

I feel your love
Strong and warm
I'm feeling the selfless love
With all my senses

I want to show you a dream
I hope you will have
A never-ending and lasting dream
This is my wish

I want to protect you
Whatever may happen
I'll go on protecting you
With all my might"

MY ALL - ayumi hamasaki

My exact thoughts and feelings now.

Sigh...

2008-08-31T00:00:00.003+08:00

"Yes, I go
I walk on with my chin up
Without looking back
Nor running away
Some day you will understand
That I have to remain as myself"
decision - ayumi hamasaki

---

My heart is bleeding. I made a decision a while ago. I made a tough decision. It felt as though everything was meaningless.

Did I make the right decision? I hope that I can understand it myself some day...

And suddenly, I feel like dying. I feel like ending everything. I feel like killing myself.

It was such a long since I've felt such a way... because I always thought myself as someone strong, and that if anything were to happen, I can take it in my stride, and continue walking.

But some day, I will get tired of walking too.

Some day, even if I were to persuade myself that it's all right to just end communications and whatever with you, there will be that time when I would miss you greatly, and asking myself why are things in their current state.

Somewhere, under this big sky... you are there too, being yourself.

Your happiness is more important than my happiness. I'd rather be suffering alone here than to be at where you are, appear in your sight, and make you unhappy.

Because if you are happy, I would be happy too. If you're unhappy, at least I wouldn't be at where you are to add on it.

And I think it's something heartbreaking.

Something like, hey, we have been through a lot, done so many things together, created a beautiful memory that is too dazzling that it pierces my eyes whenever I reminisce... why?

Something like, if you do hate me from the moment you know about it, then why were the past few months so happy?

Unless... it was just me being happy, while you were forcing myself.

But you didn't have to do all that.

Or rather, I can tell right, from your words and actions, how you felt at those times.

I could tell, from those times, that you were happy too, and that you didn't dislike me being by your side or anything...

It's like, the past was really very beautiful. Like, you couldn't be lying about them, or you couldn't be feeling forced to act out everything.

Even so, why?

I could say that I could be very happy right now, because I have the memories, but I know I'm lying.

I don't even know how you feel. I don't even know what your thoughts are. Please, even if you were to shout, please let me know your thoughts and feeling.

Please tell me how you felt during those times when I was by your side.

Please tell me how you felt at those moments. Please tell me how you felt at those various events and happenings.

Please tell me...

And then, while at some part of me, thinking and wishing that I could stay by your side again, another part of me thinks and wishes that you could tell me how you feel.

I feel so confused now... and again, the tears are falling. Just when I though I wouldn't be able to shed tears anymore, I just did. Why?

Supposing that two people were meant to walk in two separate paths, away from each other, then please tell me, why would they even cross each other's paths in the first place.

It's because everything didn't make sense, and that this contradicts with that, that I feel so upset.

Even if it's the truth, that you hate me, please tell it to me, instead of me guessing it to myself, or having to hear it from other people.

I don't know...

I don't understand what the point of meeting you was. I don't understand what the point of knowing you was. I don't understand what the point of missing you was. I don't understand what the point of loving you was.

If it started with something that I said, then it must have ended with something that I said, right?

And to continue walking is such a boring and detestable thing, that I wonder, why do I need to? Why couldn't I always stay at this place, and reminisce our days in the past?

Why did I bother to pretend to "walk forward", when I never was.

Because I only wanted to be your side, and be your friend. Because it happened before, I know that it isn't a big sin.

But now...

Time is cruel, and the present is created by this cruelty.

When can I look for a release? But I don't want to look for one. I want to always have you in my thoughts, until the day that I fall into an eternal sleep...

We have always gone through with everything we had, right? When I was standing by your side... and hanging on to you, because I had nothing else to hang on to in this world... what were you thinking? What were you feeling?

Something echoes in my heart... as if telling me that you didn't care. But I really don't want to think that way. Or... I don't know. I'm in a state of confusion.

Sometimes, when I put quotes up on the beginning and end of the posts, I wonder if people took them in their most direct meaning.

Because they shouldn't.

Or rather, whatever quotes I put up, I may not have done anything in it, or not all of it, but the feeling that the quote gives me is what I am feeling, which is why I use it. So maybe I wasn't crying, though the quote would have put it.

---

"We walked hand in hand
We laughed and cried over the trivial things"
untitled ~for her~ - ayumi hamasaki

...

"I can't go back
However much I long for it
It was really fun at that time
But that time is not now

I remember I've always drawn down
The curtain in an awkward way

Where are you?
Where have you gone?
You have maybe gone on a long trip
With the most important person

If I had ever
Said something
It wouldn't have been the starting
With the ending being at sight

As I can't behave like a child crying for something
All I can do is to say good-bye

And I walk on
I try to walk alone
So that I can light my way
Without you

Being human is sorrowful
Is being human sorrowful?
Being human is joyful
Is it all right if I think so?

And I walk on
And you walk on, too
With light shining
On our two separated paths"
End roll - ayumi hamasaki

It was

2008-08-30T20:33:00.004+08:00

"The season I was with you was the most dazzling one
Everything we saw was full of brilliance
Since when did we come to want too much?
Though it should just be enough that we were close"
It was - ayumi hamasaki

---

History doesn't lie, and because of that, we know that the past was all true and real. That's the feeling that I have now.

For how long more do I need to carry this painful feeling in my heart? Recently, I have found that I couldn't cry anymore... something like your tears have totally dried up or something.

Maybe it's because I couldn't be sad anymore, maybe it's because something is gone. I don't know.

I can't cry anymore. Somehow, it feels like the sky is crying for me. It's raining almost every day... and my heart sinks every time it rains. I still remember that time on the Higher Chinese paper when he walked past and suddenly the rain stopped...

Whatever it is, though I couldn't cry anymore... my heart is bleeding. Whenever I sense something that reminds me of the past... I get sad. It's like my memories with him are like some vault, where there's a lot of stuff inside... and sometimes the slightest thing can remind me of the memories... it feels nostalgic and sad.

Everything that happened was so beautiful that it's sad. Yeah, sad because it's beautiful. I feel like I can cry while reminiscing my days with him, but I can't cry. The sky does that for me instead.

Oh well.

I read my chat log with him yesterday night and... it brought back so much memories...

I want to touch him, but I can't. I want to appear in sight of him, but I shouldn't. I know all that but I can't stop the longing and morose in my heart...

Allow me to reminisce everything while I continue to pretend in front of everyone else.

Tell me your feelings... you can even shout. But only if you would want to in the first place...

---

"I wonder if I'm so stupid
Just waiting for the time passage
Believing that I'll surely be forgiven someday"
momentum - ayumi hamasaki

Secret/part of Me

2008-08-29T20:37:00.003+08:00

"How am I looked
In your eyes from where you are?
Please laugh away
These days of mine filled with false things
Before it's too late"
Secret - ayumi hamasaki

---

Yesterday was my Higher Chinese paper and as usual, it was easy. I don't know why, but all the papers so far are like so easy... and I have a bad feeling about this. It's not me doing badly in the end... but something else.

September holidays... I'll be studying. Mostly for E-Maths and Physics.

Summer is ending in two days' time...

Besides smiling, no matter how false it is, I can't do anything else. I can't think of putting another mask to deceive people, because being happy is the best lie. Whether you're truly happy or not, happiness is still the best lie. It makes people believe that you are okay with everything and they won't label you an 'emo' (which is so irritating by the way)...

Sometimes, it doesn't matter if you're sad or not. Sometimes, it doesn't matter if you have anyone to pour your sorrows to or not.

Because, sometimes, when you do too much of that, you make other people feel bored and irritated of you. I am sad and shocked to know that some people whom I talk to about certain things actually dislike it. I mean, maybe they were being tactful when they didn't tell me... but since I know about it, then I should respect their feelings and not mention about that certain thing to them anymore.

Even if the whole world doesn't want to listen to me, I can always have myself as a confidant. Even if no one remembers, or rather, because they don't know, I can always reminisce to myself. In this way, I won't forget, and everything will still be okay at the end of the day.

I used to interpret Ayu's songs in a very simple and superficial manner...

For example, one of her songs, part of Me, was something that I discovered a new side/meaning of today.

If you read the lyrics... oh wait, no one who reads my blog reads Ayu's amazing lyrics. Okay, never mind. The title of the song can obviously tell you what the gist of the song is.

part of Me, is basically about how two people are connected in such a close manner that even though their "bodies are far apart", their "hearts are just next to each other".

I used to think of it as like that.

Rather, I think there's three different types of thinking for part of Me.

1. The song is positive and happy, and about the strong love and connection between two people.

2. The song is sad and depressing. You know how he feels, but does he know how you feel?...

3. The song is full of morose. You think you know he feels, but do you really? At the end of the day, you wish that he could tell how he feels... and that is your greatest wish...

I used to always think it as 1. Last week, it changed to 2. Today, it's 3.

I finally understand what part of Me is about. I think I know how you feel, but I don't. Even if we aren't supposed to be friends, even if you hate me now, I wish to know how you feel... from the start to the end.

If you honestly hate me, I would know what to do. I'm not that sort of people whom you see on TV dramas where the lover ends up killing the person they so called "loved a lot"... or end up destroying their lovers' lives through their REAL beloved and what have you.

I'm not that sort of person, so even if you were to tell me the truth, which is that you hate me, at least you would have reassured my thoughts for the past month.

I think... with so many things going on, and so many thoughts running through my mind... I'm changing, in a way.

I have begun to finally see what Ayu was trying to say in her Secret album.

This what she said:

"But it's not a secret in the sense that "I'm about to disclose something you didn't know!" Instead, it could be about "me" in my daily life, or it could be about you… Everyone keeps secrets; there is not one person on this planet who does not have at least one secret, nor is there a person who can tell others everything about him or herself. Even when you try to understand others (or to have a mutual understanding with others), there is always a "you" that only you know about. I have aspects that only certain people know about and aspects that everyone knows about. That's what I call a secret. And in this sense, there are secrets incorporated into this album."

Even so, I want to know you. But hey, dreams will always be dreams. I know my clear way between a dream and reality.

I tried to make you know how I feel so much, that I forgot about knowing how you feel.

Your embarrassment, the disgrace that you felt, the unhappiness and wrath that you felt towards me... I finally understood.

Maybe it made me sadder, maybe it opened my thoughts up.

"While the music video for the song leads non-Japanese speakers to believe the song is about Hamasaki's estranged relationship with her now deceased father, the lyrics of the song seem to tell of a girl who believes the last miracle of her life was loving her ex-lover. Now she stands out in the cold, in the snow, waiting for the day when they'll be together again. She holds on tightly to the thought of him coming back, as if it had never been proven hopeless because was her very first miracle was being able to meet him in the first place."

And that's how I feel now.

Faith, hope... even if people were to tell me that I'm being stupid, I don't mind. I just want to wait, until that day...

Perhaps we have created and shared a strong bond in the past, but that was in the past. The present is that you hate me, and that bond now strays in my memories. But I'll still wait, because I love you.

If it's what you want, then I won't try to be near you anymore.

Even though there were and will still be nights when I feel estranged and lost... missing the sort of feeling that I had when I was with you, or wonder why things are like that... everything will be okay. Or at least, that was how you made me feel.

The momentum of my faith will never waver.

---

"I sometimes wonder
If we had lived
Sharing one life
Long before we were born

Because I feel your heart so close to me now
Though our bodies are apart

Always, always I hear your voice
Calling my name
Please don't cry any more
I know what you are feeling

I once knew
That maybe because we were born separated
We come to think
We are imperfect

Because we desire the same happiness
We keep the same wound in our hearts

Again and again I shout
Not to forget you at any time
Please don't cry any more
I won't leave you alone

Always, always I hear your voice
Calling my name
Please don't cry any more
I know what you are feeling

I'll protect you forever
I'll think of you
Even if time may change everything
I'll think of you

I sometimes wonder
If we will live
Sharing one life
If we are born again"
part of Me - ayumi hamasaki

La la la...

2008-08-27T20:23:00.003+08:00

"Maybe I have heard enough of people saying
That they knew the value of something
Only after losing it"
Real me - ayumi hamasaki

---

Today was SS and I felt that the paper was so easy! I mean... I actually did the paper without fretting too much, and with great ease... Hmm, the papers so far have been relatively easy! Here's that same wish to the rest of the papers!

Anyway, it started to rain a little during the paper... and after that the rain got heavier and heavier. I'm happy that the sky knows of my sadness.

Well, today is another new complain! I wonder if you have ever went to the 28 bus stop to wait for the bus when the primary school is released too. Well, besides the annoying and vulgar little brats screaming their lungs out at the bus stop, there lies a greater problem: the freaking cars by their parents.

Usually, the primary school kids' parents park their bloody cars on the road next to the bus stop... all over the place. It looks disgustingly messy in the first place... and it creates serious traffic congestion. I have seen 158 stop at the bus stop for a full 15 minutes waiting for the selfish parents to move their lazy asses away from the bus stop road that's MEANT and BUILT for buses to move.

I think they're so selfish, and it's getting on my nerves. It makes the bus unable to move, and the cars block the road. Yeah, yeah we know you're freaking rich, getting your son phones and all that at 7 years old, and hearing the scream 'FUCK YOU!!!' and 'CHEE-BAI!!!" at the bus stop is SO DAMN FUN too!

Anyway, though it causes a lot of inconvenience, I generally just don't bother.

But today... ha, no way man.

As I said, it was raining, like torrents of rain. I was so pissed that I got drenched and the freaking shelters have freaking HOLES on them so rainwater was practically dripping everywhere too.

Then, when 28 came... despite my initial joy, I realized what was going on. 28 stopped at like right in the middle of the road, just next to the green fence thingy. Wow, so now we have to WALK there in THE MIDDLE OF A BLOODY TORRENTIAL RAIN and get freaking drenched just because those freaking rich parents park their freaking cars at the road. Wow, man. Pure wow-ness. I was so pissed... and had to get drenched in their rain just to board a bus to go home. The worst thing was, there were so many people trying to board the bus, there was this crowd forming outside the bus and then while waiting to get up... more drenching. This seriously sucks. And those parents are so stuck up and lazy and fucked up, they couldn't be bothered to drive away so that the bus can stop at the BUS STOP (note: NOT rich parents' car stop) and allow oh-so-poor people like me to board the bus with minimal drenching. Screwed up rich people. No wonder why Marists who are from the primary school are mostly so immature, arrogant, retarded and irritating. Now, I know why.

Anyway, reached Toa Payoh interchange and ate Burger King with Xing Hao, Prime, Jack, Zhan Hao and Chong You. Ha.

Then, I purposely sat under the air-con so that the cold air was blowing right at me. I want to get ill, so that I can complain about this screwed up arrangement of the road.

I wanted to complain to SBS but hey, it's not SBS's fault. It's... the rich parents.

Argh, thinking about this gets my blood boiling.

Tomorrow is Higher Chinese. I believe I can do this pretty well, right? Haha.

I've been too busy thinking of the sad feelings that I forgot the true happiness that lies behind... the secrets.

---

"I remember I went to sleep late that night feeling uneasy
And had a very sad dream
The phone started to ring in the morning, breaking the silence
And the premonition became a reality
Leaving an unfading scar on my heart
You became a star by yourself

Good-bye, you have gone to the place where we can never meet again
I can't accept the coldness of the eternal parting
I wish I could have heard from you
That I had certainly been loved by you
Only once, even if it had been a lie

The sorrow I had thought to be endless came to an end
The season has changed, I feel bitterly cold
I will never forget that first day of summer
The sky kept on weeping instead of me this year
I feel as if I were living in the continuation of the dream
And I can't even cry now

Good-bye, even my last words don't reach you
I'm made to realize the coldness of the parting
I wish I could have heard from you
That you never regretted the days we had spent together
Only once, even if it had been a lie

Why did you do it this way
Leaving memories only to the very end?

Good-bye, you have gone to the place where we can never meet again
I can't accept the coldness of the eternal parting
I wish I could have heard from you
That I had certainly been loved by you
Only once, even if it had been a lie

Please tell me this is only the story of the continuing dream
And that I'm not yet awake"
Memorial address - ayumi hamasaki

If I were to feel sad now... sigh, I have nothing to say.

...

2008-08-26T20:30:00.003+08:00

"If your mind is about to be controlled
By the things reflected in your eyes
Listen to the voice in your heart"
talkin' 2 myself - ayumi hamasaki

---

Today is another day.

Today was the start of Prelim 2.

Today was English paper.

I felt like I owned the paper! Honestly... I think it's really easy. The free writing, I wrote 'Shopping', so I just copied whatever I wrote for Prelim 1 (cos the topic then was 'Fashion') into this essay, and changed names and changed scenarios, etc.

The situational writing... I feel a little iffy on this one. I think I did okay, but maybe I wrote too short... I don't know... but I hope did all right.

Comprehension and summary. Ha, this was like really unexpected. The passage was so similar to last year's SA2 passage that I got stunned... it's about malaria and quinine again. So, I mean I think the questions were relatively easy... except for the vocabulary where it was kind of difficult. Everything else was easy.

Tomorrow is Social Studies. I'm really scared! I haven't studied enough of SS yet... omg seeing most of the sec4s offline makes me wonder what the hell am I doing here.

Okay, exams aside, something exciting happened today! At the bus stop, 28 came... and all of us were like wondering why it looked so different. The bus was white... different-looking. Upon boarding, we realized that Great Eastern was celebrating its 100th Anniversary so... FREE RIDE! As in, literally! No need to pay money at all! They blocked out the ez-link card reader and the coin box thing. Really a free ride. Oh my God, so exciting can... it's my first time taking a legal free ride on a SBS bus!

Then, when I alighted... it started to rain. I walked through the rain, laughing. Maybe I was a little insane but, it doesn't really matter, since no one was there.

DISCLAIMER: I DO NOT love David Villa and/or Saw in a romantic way! I don't know if I did anything controversial to arouse such a thinking, but I really don't love them! I was only really in love with just one person... And oh, thanks "leunamme"... whoever you are.

---

"If you are afraid of changes
Watch me from a distance
Whether or not I may do something
I'm talked about behind my back
Let it be"
alterna - ayumi hamasaki

~~~

"Do you believe in fate?
A momentary encounter
That is enough to change everything
Before and after that moment?"

I believe in fate. And it's because of fate that I could meet you, and know you... and love you. Come to think about it, this is not some love at first sight thing where it's lust in disguise. I have known you for almost three years, only to realize that feeling nine months ago... Infatuation? Lust? I don't know how do people come up with that conclusion when it really isn't any of those superficial feelings... it's really not...

"We notice it the moment our eyes meet
We are certain of it and can feel it the moment we touch
But we always go weak in the knees
At such a moment"

It was always like, 'I have a lot of things to say to you', but in the end... I couldn't say anything. On those days when I was next to you, maybe words weren't necessary. When we casually displayed our habits, we only laughed, because I only need your smile.

"The wind strokes my cheeks gently, making me feel real
Whispering softly that this is not an illusion at all"

An illusion? Is it an illusion? It felt real at that time, but sometimes I'm forced to believe that it's all false. But when I felt the wind blowing...

"I've been thinking that this voice couldn't reach you
I've been thinking that this dream wouldn't come true
But the person before my eyes is
You see? No one else but you"

And once again, you don't know how I feel, and I don't know how you feel. If we did, what would happen? I remember the days when I was next to a person who showed me warmth and treated me with tenderness, and...

"Where does this road lead do
And how long and far is it?
Even if I were to imagine
I couldn't find an answer"

Some questions are not meant to be answered; some things are not meant to be explained. But why do I feel such a need to know? Whatever it is, the only answer I can be sure of is, this road... won't have you anymore...

"I feel that the more I wish to be strong
The weaker my heart becomes in inverse proportion"

The more I pretend to be all right and smile, the more I find myself shedding tears at night... and wishing for dawn to come soon, so that I can pretend once again. What else can I do?

I don't want to make you upset or feel bad, so I couldn't cry. I don't want you to know that I need you, so I couldn't cry.

"I shouted your name in tears
If this were a dream, I wish I wouldn't wake up
Ah, the person before my eyes was
You see? No one but you"

Allow me to stay in that summer for eternity... I really want to be by your side again. Either you decide to talk to me again, or I'll go back in time and make those days last. Either way, it's impossible.

"The wind strokes my cheeks gently, making me feel real
Whispering softly that this is not an illusion at all"

And you stroked my hair, making me feel cared for...

"If only I had deserved your love
As many as the times you said you loved me
If only I had loved you
As many as the times I said I love you"

If only I had deserved your kindness, if only I had been smarter and less selfish. If only...

"I gave up, thinking that this voice couldn't reach you
I gave up, thinking that this dream wouldn't come true
You see? Though the person before my eyes was
The real you"

Now, even if we were to see each other, and could stand next to each other, we behave like strangers. Why does it so hurt so much? Maybe it's because I know it wasn't like that, and probably shouldn't be like that. Do you feel the same way too? How are you feeling? What are you thinking?

...

"We started to walk calmly and determinedly
With the same scar in our hearts
With our backs to each other
Without looking back"

We are doing that perfectly now, right? Why do we need to pretend not to know each other?

"I used to believe that
I have found one unchanging thing
But I felt that it was changing
And so I took a step back
And another step back
So as not to be hurt"

And so, I can only run away, and pray that I won't see you, so that I wouldn't get hurt by the obvious impending ignores from you... Will it work that way? Are you feeling the same way?

"I wanted to say 'Thank you'
I couldn't say 'Thank you'
Because it's like 'Good-bye forever'
And too sad

Maybe I shall be born to myself again some day
And start a journey to seek for you"

I'm very grateful to everything that has happened. The memories, the feelings, the warmth, the tenderness, everything... no one else could have given me those things, and so I cherish them forever.

"One day
When I happened to be puzzled a little
By a new and unfamiliar view
Which I must have chosen
The gentle wind just like you
Blew by me"

Ever since that day, everything has changed. I couldn't see things in that same color anymore, and everything is a monochrome. If I could find the colors back, if I could find you back...

"I wanted to say 'I love you'
I couldn't say 'I love you'
But I feel that it is my biggest lie
And the truth

Maybe I shall be born to myself again some day
And start a journey to seek for you"

The closest I ever got to saying was 'Daisuki da yo'. Isn't it better this way? That I don't behave so overtly mushy? But still, not matter how much "better" it appears to be, it doesn't make any difference in the end...

"I wanted to say 'Thank you'
I couldn't say 'Thank you'
Because it's like 'Good-bye forever'
And too sad

I wanted to say 'I love you'
I couldn't say 'I love you'
But I feel that it is my biggest lie
And the truth

Even if I'm born again to someone else
I'll start a journey to seek for you"

Waiting for you has become a part of my life. Waiting for you to appear again, and smile at me and speak your casual words like how you used to...

Why did you leave? Why don't you want me anymore? Why did you want to stay in the first place? Why did you care?

... I'll start a new journey, though I know that I will still always love you...

If we could be the friends that we were back then, maybe... just maybe...

fated, but not destined.

fated...

Together When...

Replace

2008-08-25T20:30:00.002+08:00

"One thing I've realized is
This road will continue as before

Whatever wind may be blowing at us
Under the sky of whatever color
I hope you will smile"
Replace - ayumi hamasaki

---

All along, I couldn't find something to whine about the implement of coupons or cash-card system in the school canteen. Today, I have finally found something to complain about.

Firstly, our school is high-tech enough to get a lot of vending machines that...

1) Spoil frequently
2) Enjoy giving out carbonated water
3) Enjoy eating your money
4) Enjoy jamming stuff; giving "missing" straws
5) Use coins. OR cash-card.

So, that means if you don't have a cash-card, you need to use coins. Sounds simple? No.

The retarded coupon system ever since February disallows us to use cash to make payments at the school canteen stalls. We can only use cash-cards (because we are oh so high-tech) or buy their coupons.

Some trivia about the coupons and the coupon vendors.

1) The coupons are inconvenient. I fear losing them.
2) The vendors refuse to change money with you.
3) You need to queue twice, i.e. for the coupon, AND for the food.
4) Hordes of people cut their queue in the coupon, which is obviously irritating.

Now, you may ask, why not get a cash-card?

Hello?! I'm not a car driver. Why do I need a cash-card? If I get one, it's only used for my school. Sorry, but the hawker centers around my house are too "low-tech" to use cash-cards. So, I use cash for 99.9% of my purchases.

Today, I happen to have no coins at all, so I have to buy coupons worth $2.50 TWICE because

1) As I've mentioned, the coupon vendors refuse to change money with you so you can't get coins.
2) I want to buy $1.50 coupons but the canteen food is SO overpriced that $1.50 is... insufficient.

I have nothing left to say about this stupid system. If we're that high-tech, then explain why I barely used i-Mac labs/Com labs in my 4 years. Or explain why the Com labs are still equipped with shitty coms that are fat and slow. If we are that apple crazy then just slash the com labs out.

Sigh.

Prelims start tomorrow... feeling the pressure, definitely. I have confidence in my English and language competency skills, but oh well... I always screw up my Comprehension and summary.

Anyway...

I thought that things have died down when no one looked at me, or talked about me during recess. I heaved a sigh of relief. I felt happy.

But when, they saw me... sigh. Why can't things just die down... I don't think I've done anything to stimulate the situation in any way... So, why?...

Keep on walking forward, right?

So many thoughts running through... so much I want to say, but I can't find the words to, I really can't. Our Secrets. I'm thinking that now. Please tell me you remember too.
---

"We have our weak sides
We are not always smiling
Don't forget
That we don't exist for your convenience"
my name's WOMEN - ayumi hamasaki

~~~

PARADISE

2008-08-24T20:32:00.008+08:00

"If the unsetting sun became more like you
Turn your un-freedom to freedom and overcome common sense
Feels like you wanna believe in yourself; you have gotten lost on paths
But hiding in your chest is... a secret paradise"
PARADISE - CAVE

---

If there will ever be a day when no one in the worlds wants to believe you, I will always be here. I believe in you, and it's my duty to make you really happy.

Unfortunately, or fortunately, the best thing I can do is to stay away from you. Have I done it correctly? I think I have. At least, that's what I think.

Oh well, no time to think of unhappy and negative things as such. I want to think of you laughing and being happy, because that makes me happy too.

Anyway, Jack wants me to a questionnaire! So I'll do it. I'm supposed to state 20 things about myself!

1. I love MY ALL.

2. MY ALL is also known as horsegrams. Have fun guessing!

3. I love Pink.

4. I hate orange, red, yellow, gray and brown.

5. I love AYU aka ayumi hamasaki aka the Goddess of Music.

6. I also like Koda Kumi, Ai Otsuka, Leah Dizon, Yuna Ito.

7. I also enjoy listening to random songs from Animes. So far, I have got songs from Pokemon, Digimon, Yu-Gi-Oh and Gundam. They have nice anime songs?

8. I like Pokemon! As in the games and anime.

9. I hate to be accussed.

10. I hate it when people try to force their ideas on me.

11. I hate boybands.

12. I hate people who say that they hate gays and hate backstabbers when they enjoy gossiping and spreading rumors like true blue girls and backstabbers.

13. I hate old people who behave as if the world revolves around them just because they're old. Get a life man.

14. I hate rap, metallica... eew.

15. I hate humid weather.

16. I love desserts.

17. I love Marks & Spencer's! My future home will be revolved around it, I swear.

18. I don't get wavered by the words of other people, I mean the non-constructive comments.

19. I don't mind getting bitched about, but I don't like it when the gossip involves someone else other than me.

20. My biggest dream is to be able to stay by MY ALL's side and protect him with everything that I have, even if he doesn't love me the way I do. Just being friends will suffice!

And that's all.

...

I want to be by your side. I want to be there to see your dazzling smile. I want to be that person who makes you happy. Have I done it before? I don't know. Nothing is resolved in the end... I feel so empty and upset...

"Far far away, like every other night,
This feeling of "wanting to meet you, yet being unable to" lingers somewhere in my mind
Am I thinking amiss?
Starry sky, do you also think so?

Whenever I find a jellyfish or shooting star,
your name floats into my mind
No matter how imperfect you are
I like you so much

I wonder if you can call this love?
Whenever I try to forget you, I end up loving you even more
Is my wish to be together,
really unattainable?

Whenever I can't find a jellyfish or shooting star
It's as though I'd forget your words
If there was just one thing that I could strongly believe in
then could I simply stay in love with you?

Whenever I find that jellyfish or shooting star,
your name floats into my mind
It doesn’t matter how imperfect you are
I can’t help but love you"
Kurage, Nagareboshi (Jellyfish, Shooting Star) - Ai Otsuka

I feel like that now. Seriously.

「どんなイヤナとこも知ってるのに
あなたの事こんなに好きだよ」

part of Me

2008-08-23T02:10:00.004+08:00

"The season that I was with you was the most dazzling one
Everything we saw was full of brilliance
I'm still here alone and thinking over whether it was good
Like one who can hardly resign himself"
It was - ayumi hamasaki

...

I'm one who can hardly resign myself? I don't know.

These days, it feels like everything was empty but I'm trying to make them appear full. Perhaps it did help to a certain extent - I laughed a few times here and here...

But in the end, when I'm alone at night and thinking over certain things, I am still left with this empty shell.

All emotions, happiness, pain, sadness.. I don't know how I perceive them now.

I wonder what is the point of thinking of so much to write when all I want is so direct and simple.

I want you to know; I want you to understand. Know my pain and sadness, understand my reasons.

But you won't. I thought in the past that it was because I didn't try, but I did; I sent an e-mail. No reply... nothing... nothing...

Why? I ask myself what is it that I did that make you detest me so much? Is it because your friends make stupid comments when they see me? I don't know why it appears as though I want all these... I really don't; I want peace and quiet too.

It pains me to know that you rather blame me... than to... forget it. I don't wish to create excuses.

What else do I need to do...

"How am I looked
In your eyes from your place?
Please laugh away
These days of mine filled with false things
Before it's too late"
Secret - ayumi hamasaki

False things... spending every day smiling and laughing for the sake of them. For the sake of appearing strong, for the sake of shutting people's mouths up, whether it's their consoles, or their insults.

I only had the truest things when I was with you. The smiles, the laughs, the tears, the joy... everything that I felt when I was with you were the truest to me. Without you being by my side, or knowing that although you are somewhere far away, you're always next to me... I'm empty. Always empty.

When can I have back those true emotions? Or do I need to always depend on my memories? How am I seen in your eyes? Who am I to you?...

Questions left forever unanswered; pain left forever unhealed; tears left forever running; happiness left forever in my memories...

Maybe if someday you would surprise me by suddenly saying hi, or your usual greeting, I could have found back the real emotions.

But for now, I can only pretend. I want to pretend.

If you perceive me as being happy, then I have succeeded.

Anyway, a song pops up in my mind now. The lyrics look very happy... but I don't know why, I felt sad when I listened to it.

I felt depressed.

Like, our little synchronized movements sometimes... and the many many many things... like as though we were born as one before this life. Is this what the song was trying to convey?

I can only shed tears until that day...

...

"I sometimes wonder
If we had lived
Sharing one life
Long before we were born

Because I feel your heart so close to me now
Though our bodies are apart

Always, always I hear your voice
Calling my name
Please don't cry anymore
I know what you are feeling

I once knew
That maybe because we were born separated
We come to think
We are imperfect

Because we desire the same happiness
We keep the same wound in our hearts

Again and again I shout
Not to forget you at any time
Please don't cry anymore
I won't leave you alone

Always, always I hear your voice
Calling my name
Please don't cry anymore
I know what you are feeling

I'll protect your forever
I'll think of you
Even if time may change everything
I'll think of you

I sometimes wonder
If we will live
Sharing one life
If we are born again"
part of Me - ayumi hamasaki

......

"Because we desire the same happiness, we keep the same wound in our hearts..."

I need to make myself happy. So a picture for ME to be happy.

David Villa. He holds a special place in my memories because of something that happened. Always, always, it's something to do with you.

The Judgment Day

2008-08-21T20:59:00.003+08:00

"I pretended to be ready for the negative feelings
That would come after makeshift pleasures
I end up escaping from reality"
talkin' 2 myself - ayumi hamasaki

---

And I realized, the word 'future' doesn't have 'you' in it.

If I were to start wondering now, I know it wouldn't have happened.

(To be continued later on...)

Prelims starts next Tuesday! Feeling the stress...

Anyway, I wrote this sentence on the Maths test paper which I failed: "MATHS R GIRLS".

Well honestly, they're equally incomprehensible. At least to most boys.

But I've gotten my set of practice questions, and I'll work on it super hard, especially when I know I can ask Miss Png for help. ;)

What else... today was a day of many lasts. Last Chem practical, last Maths lesson, last PE lesson.

What? Last PE lesson? You don't know how euphoric I am over this.

Well, my days in this school are getting numbered. It feels happy and sad.

My only fears now are Maths, Physics and Social Studies. The rest are basically nail-able, since I know where I should work on already. I really want to get like lesser than 20 for my L1R5 this Prelims...

Oh well.

---

"Yes, I go
I walk on with my chin up without looking back or running away
Someday you will understand
That I just have to remain as myself"
decision - ayumi hamasaki

...

"Raising my head up, smiling a little
Looking up at the sky just for a while
Walking after being tired of running
In that way
"Am I ready?"

If I feel I need you
And you need me too
It seems we need no special reason
Don't you feel a daily life like this is not so bad?"
independent - ayumi hamasaki

And I realized, the word 'future' doesn't have 'you' in it.

If I were to start wondering now, then surely...

Suddenly, at those places, I felt empty again.

Maybe it was the gentle wind, maybe it was the people around me, maybe it was that feeling of nostalgia.

I can only look forward, and walk, right?

Because if I were to mop around... it's something that isn't me. It's not me to be standing around and asking myself why would such a thing happen. Since it's the truth, then I must accept it.

Though I would always wonder and seek for an answer, the answer would never be known, because I couldn't ask you.

I keep telling other people about how long it has been, over these few months, and everything that I have felt.

It's something like you always knew it was there, and you enjoyed while it was there, but you didn't know it would go away so soon... Like you wish it could have stayed a little longer, and the more you wish, the harder you try, the more you screw things up, the more it becomes shorter.

Perhaps that was what really happened.

We haven't seen each other for the past two days. I think it's something happy, because you wouldn't get to see me. If I couldn't see you now, maybe there's always the past to look at.

So I always go to the places that we have been together, and remember the words you said, the things you did, and the sky that day...

It cheers me up, somehow. So that I never lose hope that one day, things will be better.

~~~

"If it's clear tomorrow, I will go to that sea
The pain with the tears shed yesterday are changing
Into tenderness

If it's clear tomorrow, I will go to see you
Yes, I long to be with you
Tomorrow, the day after tomorrow"
July 1st - ayumi hamasaki

Summer ends on the 31st August. And I imagined that on that day, nothing would have changed. I will still be reminiscing as I am now, you will still be as who you are.

So, because it would be the same, I take that every day is the last day of summer, and I look back, at this summer.

And it unfolds naturally, like a story. A summer story. Perhaps it was a dream, and I was seeing illusions. Perhaps I was sleeping far too long.

I think July was a beautiful month. That's like the crux of summer, isn't it? And July 1st seems to be telling that beautiful story. Like how I always look forward to tomorrow, because I could see you again. Like how I stood next to you, and felt marveled by the many iotas and nuances. Like how happy it felt, when I could see you and be by your side. Like how exciting it was, to be able to be near you.

July...

And independent reminds me of June, where I didn't see you much, but when I did, I felt fun too. Like how I remembered what you did on that day in June... and the moths before that, and I felt so happy and uplifting... and I know I would be ready for such feelings. Such feelings of sheer happiness.

But as a season, summer ends too, and too quickly. Next summer, what would I feel? Would you still be in my mind? Would I have found someone else? I don't know, and because of that, I don't want to think about it.

Sometime from the end of the July to the present, I know things were ending. From the moment I felt guilty about always staying by your side... and how wrong everything appeared to be. I knew I had to distant myself from you. And you helped too, by expressing how much you didn't want to see me. It made things easier, no matter how painful it initially felt.

And now, I walk and reminisce. I would always remember the time we had, and everything. Our little secrets.

Like fireworks, this summer was transient. Like fireworks, you came and went, all too soon. Like fireworks, everything about you is so dazzling and stunning. Like fireworks, the end is near, or already here. Like fireworks, I feel sad when thinking about it. Like fireworks, I remember this summer.

Just like what Ayu said, she wanted to have a song to describe the bittersweet feeling of the ending of summer, so she wrote and sang HANABI (fireworks). That's the end too.

Bittersweet. How else could I describe my feelings?

June, July, August. independent, July 1st, HANABI. Summer. You. Memories...

...

"I'm looking up at the blurred sky
So that the tears will not fall

Why can't humans live
As they wish?

I need neither a weak heart preventing me from crying
Nor a strength without tears

I try to find a shooting star
Upon which to cast my wish

But I cannot find one
As day is dawning so fast

There is not a day
On which I recall you
Because I have never
Forgotten you

Every time I feel sadness
I habitually say, "I'm all right"

Something had ceased
To be on that day

And I can't even find a star
However long I pray

I want to see you
I want to see you
I don't know what to do
As you are smiling so tenderly only just in my memory

There is not a day
On which I recall you
Because I have never
Forgotten you

I want to see you
I want to see you
I don't know what to do
As you are smiling so tenderly only just in my memory"
HANABI - ayumi hamasaki

Mirrorcle World

2008-08-20T20:55:00.006+08:00

"In this world, we have to slow down because we don't know everything
This way, we can continue down a cleared path"
Mirrorcle World - ayumi hamasaki

---

I realized that my previous post was emo! I don't want to be seen in such a way, or to be reminded from other people about things that I don't want to hear.

I will just say that I am contented to have had certain things, and certain secrets.

Well, nothing much has been going on these days, just that I failed my maths test and I'm so worried for maths... omg.

Okay, so since I'm so boring and have nothing interesting to talk. I will post more pictures.

The first set are photos from Ayu's ASIA TOUR 2008 ~10th ANNIVERSARY~, and the second set are scans from Leah Dizon's latest album, Communication!!!, which was released... today!

Enjoy!

~~~

~~~

Yeah.

Okay, until the next time when I have found an inspiration to talk about.

See you!

---

"Is it because I've become strong
That I can be without tears
Or...?"
Mirrorcle World - ayumi hamasaki

Hmm...

2008-08-18T21:32:00.003+08:00

"I've never actually understood
And I've been pretending to understand everything"
Fly high - ayumi hamasaki

---

Disclaimer: My oral exam and Jia Wei's birthday is NOT today, but TOMORROW, Tuesday! The blur me mixed the days up and I thought 19th August was today... ha...

Okay, now that that's done, let's talk!

Okay, so today was quite an okay day... I mean every day appears to be an "okay day" here, right? Maybe they really aren't, but I can't say the truth, can I?

Anyway, Mondays are really boring, maybe except for Lit lessons. Besides... I have one free period after recess, and then it's RME, which is still free period. So basically, I only have "real" lessons before recess.

Okay, so anyway, I was at home, on the sofa, watching the National Day Rally. Or was it the speech? Hmm... Anyway, it was kind of funny, like you don't expect PM Lee to be able to crack jokes, but he can, much better than a certain equally aged teacher in this school.

Ah, Prelims is 7 days away, and O' Levels are drawing near too. My heart is beating quicker, and it makes me feel happy and sad. You know, I'm quite excited for the exams, and I don't know why. Maybe it's the thrill of the completion of it, maybe it's... there's no other reason!

Time is running out, yet I seem to be wasting my time on something. Is it a waste of time? Everyone says it is, but I still don't think so.

...

Sigh. Today, I was still ill, and it got a little more serious. And the pain on my back kind of got intensified, so I couldn't walk after morning assembly.

And I realized that the pain worsens when I sit on stools/backless chairs, so Physics practical was... absolute hell. Then it was English, in which it was still painful, so I couldn't concentrate on anything.

Then, it was Lit. I don't know why but I just started reminiscing then. Reminiscing on the days that I spent together with him, and what he did, and how I felt, and how blessed I was at that time.

And the more I thought of that, the better I felt. Then at the end of the two periods, I felt much better. Maybe it's the sun, maybe it's because I really need him.

Then, during recess, it happened again. The usual, irritating, daily mockings by people whom I honestly DON'T EVEN know. What's their problem? I can't tell for sure, but I just felt them as immature beings.

Maybe this is karma, because I gossip a lot too, but I don't mind of the karma is directed to just me alone, but I really hate it when it starts affecting other people too, it makes me feel guilty and upset and I...

After school, I saw him again. This was the what, 2nd time seeing him today?

Anyway, we boarded the same bus, and we were standing between one small, petite sec1. He looked at his front, I looked at my front, which was his back. And then the bus just kept moving... until he alighted.

Maybe if it was some time in the far away summer, we could have said something. Maybe we could have laughed, like how we used to. But, perhaps it's something I did, perhaps it's something they said, things changed, like how they always do, and I...

I started thinking again, over the past few days. Fated? Foolishness? I don't even know what's going on. For the first time ever, out of the seven people whom I have fallen in love with, this one, I am the most confused about.

I couldn't reach a definite answer, but I didn't want to continue guessing, because it brought hope, and pain... So I pretended that I have found an answer, and lived in such a way.

The truth? The truth is him. I have always thought of it like that. Whatever he says, whatever he does, they are all the truth... and I take them as the truth. If he's nice to me, then the truth is that he doesn't mind being friends with me. I suppose such a truth has happened before...

If he ignores me, and pretends not to know me, then the truth is that he hates me and doesn't want to have anything to do with me. That is what's going on, and that is the truth now. No one knows for sure if the truth will change, but it will, because it has, but there's not much time left and... everything... could they be too late?

Obviously, you need a reason to hate someone and I'm not stupid, so I know the reason(s). It's boring and repetitive to say them out again, so I won't. I understand the reason(s), and I respect his decision.

But I don't have the courage to embrace my seemingly noble thinking. I'm too timid to really think that way, so I pretended to think that way.

I'm too afraid to forget and be alone again, so I pretended to be fine and continue walking, while the old scar in my heart continues hurting each night when I'm alone...

I'm too selfish to let go, so I pretended that I did.

Maybe all that I really want now is for people to stop talking.

But still, even though the present remains as cruel as it is, the past was beautiful.

Our history was briilliant, and it's the only thing that I look forward to each day.

I wake up to a new day, not looking forward to the future, but embracing the fond memories of the past, and living on them. That must be how I should be living.

I keep saying, "He was really nice to me." Honestly, I have never really stated examples, right? But this is not some Lit/Geog exam; I don't have to state examples.

I don't care if you (as in the reader) think that I'm exaggerating and lying, I only know that I'm not.

Why do I need to state what he has done? I mean, I just grin, laugh, and smile when I think back of the days, and it's so embarrassing to write them down... So, I just keep them in my heart, and my memories would always play back those moments for me to reminiscence. In this world, only the two of us know what happened at those times.

Honestly, it could be just me, as in it's just me alone remembering, because to be realistic, I doubt he remembers; I doubt he even cares. Of course, it takes a great deal of emotion to actually do those things in my opinion, so perhaps he didn't forget. But it's not like he has told straight in the face that he still remembers, so...

I could only stay, and protect these memories alone. I don't care if people think I'm stupid and naive, because I have thought of myself as such too, but it doesn't matter anymore.

Nothing matters anymore.

Even if he would to pretend not to know me today, tomorrow, and forever, that is the truth. But I can't deny that the past was another truth too.

Because of that, I can accept the current truth, because I had the past truth.

No matter what happens, my days with him are never-fading.

I can only say that I'm prouder than anyone else that the days I spent with him weren't lies.

So, I walk on. I will still continue to smile, because I don't want to face the reality if I were to cry. Of course he wouldn't care if I'm smiling, crying or showing a poker face; more less if I died, but still, just in case, I don't want him to feel sorry for me.

If there is to be a day when he would forgive me, it shouldn't be because he wants to sympathize me, it should be because he really wants to.

Smiling, being happy. I'm a master at faking such positive emotions. I always will be, until that day...

---

"I gave up, thinking that I couldn't reach your voice
I gave up, thinking that this dream wouldn't come true
You see? Though the person before my eyes was
The real you"
fated- ayumi hamasaki

Ill...

2008-08-17T21:27:00.003+08:00

I honestly wonder how do people still manage to blog when they're ill... I'm seriously ill now, and horribly drained of energy...

But before I go on ranting about that, how was my previous post on provocative, sexy Japanese girls? If you like it, please tag at the tagboard so that I would know what to do next time!

Okay anyway, I am currently suffering and down with a sore throat, flu and cough. These three combined only means one thing - hell.

For one, they block my ears. So currently, my left ear feels blocked, like there's this invisible force blocking it... urgh terrible. My nose is leaking mucus too, and my throat is feeling dry and painful.

Actually, I'm okay with being ill, I mean it doesn't mean anything to me, but guess what's going on tomorrow?

I'm taking my O' Levels English Oral Examination tomorrow, 19th August, 2008. Talk about coincidence. It's like the illness didn't come earlier or later, it HAD to come this weekend. Argh!

But I mean since I'm destined to fall ill now, then all the more I must score 35 and above over 40 for my Oral tomorrow. I'm one to go against adversities. So, wish me luck? I'm really scared that the phlegm will disrupt my Reading Aloud... or I will need to start blowing my nose during the examination... I'm worried and apprehensive. I hate being ill at the wrong time.

I hate bad things happening at the wrong time. It's always like that... =.="

Okay, let's hope that my illness will be gone tomorrow, if not I'll have to grit my teeth and come for school... so I will most likely see a doctor on Tuesday and not attend school...

Right now, I'm drinking HONEY and sucking on Strepsils.

...

Oh yeah, tomorrow is Jia Wei's birthday. Happy Birthday, Jia Wei!

Life is good. Without the irritating illness currently, of course.

The post for men by a man.

2008-08-13T21:37:00.007+08:00

I made this post for men. If you're a girl and get offended and seeing HOT & SEXY photos of women (whoo-hoo!), please exit now until you find out that there's a new post!

All right, gentlemen. A sneak preview of the pictures in today's post.

Okay, maybe these aren't too hot for you, because you have seen better ones on the net, but spare a thought for the guys who are still pure.

I will post the pictures based on my personal rating of sexiness, so bear with the first few, because they are not sexy.

Okay this is alan, a Tibetan-turned-Japanese singer on the cover for her latest single, Kaze no Tegami (Letter of the Wind). Personally, I think alan is super cute but I don't think she's the type of girl that men drool over. But still, cute girls are beautiful too!

Okay, this one here is called Yuna Ito and she looks like Miss Png in this photo but you can disagree with me. Anyway, I think she's really pretty but too bad she doesn't have any HOT & SEXY photos... so make do with this?

Yay now we're at Ai Otsuka, who is in the middle of the list! Okay Ai-chin squeezes 'cute' at every photo of her and she may not be curvy and sexy but she's really cute! A lot of Japanese guys really like her and so should you!

More pictures of Ai Otsuka:

~

Koda Kumi is notoriously known as a slut to many haters, but beyond the slutty get-up, she sings really well. But I know no one really cares about this because most if not all readers of the blog don't listen to the fantastic J-Pop music.

So yeah, I'm sure she's HOT & SEXY so enjoy more of Koda Kumi!

~

Leah Dizon was from the USA before she moved to Japan to start singing. Initially I just thought she was really hot and had decent songs but I discovered recently that she did porn in the USA so goggle her name if you want to see them? I know you can. =D

Anyway, she has a lot of super raunchy photos and I think this is the climax of the photo section... so maybe it's going to disappoint you again, because you have seen much more but oh well, I know I have bad taste.

More photos of Leah Dizon:

Okay I wish could post more photos of Leah Dizon but I really don't dare... lol, I mean the rest of the photos I have of her are about the same kind as the last one so... I mean if you want to view then please go this website and you can even download the photos in the website! Good luck and have fun with Leah Dizon.

~

Finally, I have reached the end of the list.

Introducing the Queen, ayumi hamasaki.

Ayu is perfect in every way and I don't care if you think she's ugly or uglier than Leah Dizon. She will always be the best and the sexiest my eyes!

Go Ayu!!!

And I'm done.

Somehow, I don't think people would like all the photos that I've posted, but if they don't, at least I do. =)

---

"I stopped somehow
I felt like I heard your voice
Though I knew you couldn't be there
I continued searching for you"
It was - ayumi hamasaki

...

Today, I saw you and you saw me. You raised your eyebrows/eyes at me when you saw me. Honestly I don't know what that means but I think it really doesn't matter anymore.

In the past, I would think of what you are trying to tell me, and come up with different speculations. But now, I just sigh and say, 'oh well'.

Because I know everything now. There is nothing left to guess, I suppose. The truth stays as stark as it always has been, and the only thing I could do at that time was to keep on walking forward.

Anyway, the IPPT exercise was on today, and it happened during Chinese.

I remember going back to class VERY slowly and then when I was at the classroom... the Express Chinese people have not returned from the com lab so it's like the HCL people and Mr. Chia waited outside at the corridor... oh gosh, imagine if it was a REAL chemical attack!

Anyway, they returned eventually and then we "proceeded" with the exercise. No one was really doing anything in particular, but in the end most of us just went to help. Of course, I sat there and do nothing. Haha, I mean people weren't really helping; they were using masking tape to wrap people up and all that....

Then after that time-wasting exercise, the supposedly double Chem became a single period... I rather have double Chem?

Then blah blah blah. Oh after recess was double English and then I really felt sleeping and I remembered dozing off a few times... but anyway I think Miss Tan realized that the class was like a sea of zombies so she showed us this powerpoint presentation of toilets around the world.

So, it's a bunch of photos of toilets from around the world. Florence, Florida, New York, Germany, Vatican City, Paris, China, etc.

And then there was this "special" toilet that Miss Tan said she forgot to censor or something. So it's called "Sink for Her".

And it's a tap that's shaped like a penis with the two knobs looking testicles. Haha. So cool right. Creativity in other countries.

Okay then endured double HCL and went home.

Ah Prelim 2 and O' Levels are drawing near each day... I'm scared too?

---

"I felt like I found a profile like yours
Far across the road
But I didn't stop anymore
I looked forward and kept walking"
It was - ayumi hamasaki

Lalala...

2008-08-12T20:35:00.004+08:00

"One day
When I happened to be puzzled a little
By a new and unfamiliar view
Which I must have chosen
A gentle wind just like you
Blew by me"
Together When... - ayumi hamasaki

...

La la la...

Today was very cold, and very windy. But I mean the morning was super humid but besides that, today was really cold and windy. Why is there wind today? Why does it feel so nostalgic? I don't know...

Anyway, GEP was cancelled cos James Peh was on MC so yeah can go home early.

And Mr. Chia come to school today in his army uniform which was just LOL. Seriously, it's ownage.

Um, the express Chinese O' Levels results were released today and only two people in my class got an A. Congratulations to Jonathan and Christopher! The rest must work hard and don't give up! I need to work hard on my HCL too. Haha.

Uh, English was four periods, but it was pretty interesting. Will be quoting some stuff from it today, but I won't credit anything so er, yah.

And then, today is just boring and mundane. Like every day.

---

One thing I've come to realize is that whatever may happen, we must keep going on.

I wish that you could understand too, and ignore everything that they say. But if you can't or don't want to, I can't do anything either.

I know that I really don't care about they say but... I know you still do. Maybe it's because they're your friends, maybe it's because you need a reason to hate me... Whatever it is, it doesn't matter anymore, at least to me.

Whatever decision you make, I'll support you, even if it means that you will still and always hate me...

When they start shouting, "Marks & Spencer's!", I walked past them, thinking to myself, "such immature acts are expected"... what were you thinking at that time? Ha, it doesn't really matter, right?

I still feel that tinge of sorrow when you walk past me and ignore me... but hey I guess you do that to almost every other senior too. I'm just normal, maybe hated, like the rest, while some seniors are perhaps more respected to you... haha. Normal... even if I felt that we did so many things together, oh well. Life's such.

I said I would be happy, but it's really hard. I mean, at least I'm still happy when I'm with other people. But... the past scar never heals, but I can't escape the future I can't refuse...

After all, there are the memories. Even if they're all a sham, at least you bothered to act/lie to me. I mean you really could have just not bothered, but you did. That makes me a little happy.

If they're not a sham, then at least I know that the days we spent together were not lies. And I'm proud of that.

We can only keep going forward, right?

I still love you. A lot.

I still remember how you... never mind I don't want people to know. It's like our little secret, right? Even if you don't remember, or choose to forget... haha...

Well, I know I can move forward. I wonder what sort of a movement is this, where I'm moving forward physically, though I still love you...

Maybe I'm not moving forward at all, but it's the best I can do.

In my sad times, I will think of you and our memories, and embrace them.

In my happy times, I will think of you and our memories, and laugh with them.

Life will always be good like that. I will always smile like that.

---

"The gestures you casually show me
In our idle conversations
Even if I don't intend to remember
Some part within me...
whoa-whoa oh no no no no
Remember them well, you and me"
STEP you - ayumi hamasaki

"Hey yo"... what beautiful memories...

teens

2008-08-10T23:21:00.003+08:00

"That day was long ago
Beautiful
And I'll always cherish it"
teens - ayumi hamasaki

---

Here's a recap of the weekend.

Saturday, National Day.

So, I woke up at 12 45pm omg it was really quite late for myself, because I know I'm like an early bird.

So anyway, I basically wasted my whole day watching TV! It's like I didn't even study at all... I feel so guilty now... well, I would really have to make all of these wasted time up in Hui Xiong's house for the next few weeks! ^^

Then, I watched the National Day Parade.

Well, I'm not exactly a patriot but watching the NDP did make me feel a little elated to be a Singaporean.

Even though every year is the same thing, with music interludes and a little 'drama' and then the Airplane shows and then the fireworks... it's still nice to see the little effects here and there.

The stage is a floating platform on Marina Bay, so it's like supposed to symbolize Singapore being surrounded by water. Quite cool if you ask me.

Anyway, let's just skip everything else because I felt them to be so mundane.

The most interesting part to me was the fireworks.

I really like watching fireworks.

They are beautiful as an work of art, and even more beautiful as literature symbolism.

The many colors coloring the black night sky, and the transience of their beauty, reminds me of summer, and summer reminds me of...

So anyway I just felt really happy and bittersweet watching the fireworks and... yeah, I ended up smiling, so I suppose it's a good thing.

Okay, so in the afternoon, I went to a saloon studio to cut my hair and I got suaned by the hairdresser!

She asked me, "Why your hair cut until so funny one ah? Got uneven sides lor."

To which I replied, "It was cut by the school barber."

Then she said, "Oh no wonder lah. But at least it's free lah hor."

And then I said, "No I have to pay $5."

Then she gave that omgwtf look and exclaimed, "Huh still must pay $5 ah? Then I rather you come to my saloon and cut, at least we can cut nicer lor." And she laughed.

Haha. Well she's right, though. The school barber sucks with a capital S and I bet they have no barber licscence so they're just some NS barber who only know how to shave heads... oh gosh why were they employed?

And the fact that we have to pay $5 as well... I really study in an illogical school.

Okay, so that concludes Saturday.

---

Sunday: Alumni celebration dinner at Sakura in Shaw Plaza.

Started the day normally before going to Marks & Spencer's in the afternoon.

I originally had $32 to spend but I ended up only having $17. Why? Read on.

Before I left the house, my sister, for don't know what stupid reason, ran up to me and pulled my right earpiece.

Then, I realized that because of what she did, no sound could come out of the right earpiece, and I thought it was spoilt.

So I got pissed and started shouting and when I told my father... somehow it became my fault. Never mind, it's expected and just screwed up. So I left with a ear phone that has a multfunctioned side... or so I thought...

So, I was walking at Toa Payoh and I saw this booth selling handphone accesorries, including earphones so I decided to take a look.

Then I saw this quite good one selling for $15 so I though it's okay to buy less Marks & Spencer's stuff for a earphone so I bought it.

But when I started using, something was wrong.

There was still no sound from the right side.

After checking around, I realized the reason for the malfunctioning was because the earjack of the phone has come loose. Because that stupid bitch pulled it.

Omg, I was so pissed at that time, like just felt like killing someone...

I wasted $15... omg!

And because of the fked up thing, I couldn't buy Marks & Spencer's blueberry oat cookies... argh. Bitch.

My phone's forever spoilt now... and I only bought it 5 months ago... =|.

Oh well, life's like that for me.

Anyway, I was suppposed to meet Zhen Cheng at Toa Payoh but since Marks & Spencer's was in Plaza Singapura, which was at Dhoby Gaut, I decided to meet Fredy instead at Boon Keng MRT station.

So I did, and off we went with Chien Teng, Hendrik, Sean and Saw.

So reached there blah blah blah and we started eating!

So anyway we just talked a lot and joked hell lot while eating.

And I played the Question & Answer game with Chien Teng and a few other people but oh well, it really didn't feel as fun as how I have heard of it... maybe it's because of me.

Anyway, later on, Xing Hao asked me if I know what Zhong Ji Mi Ma is. I said yes, and I decided that we should play.

And there's a forfeit to the game, so guess what it was?

We took the paper hotboat with some soup inside, mixed it with...

Wasabi w/ Soy sauce
Ice cream
Some other weird sauces.

Yeah, the penalty is to drink one spoon of that conconotion.

Then, we decided to 'evolve' the game to an elimination one, where the loser will be out of the game, until there's a winner.

So, in the end, it was down to Chang Jun and I and omg they raised the stakes! That one spoon of mixture was now tripled, and all the more I don't want to lose... But I did! Omg and I drank that little bowl of eew-ish conconotion! Argh!

Guzzled liquid down afterwards to get rid of that overriding wasabi taste...

And somehow, my stomach started hurting very badly afterwards.

So bad that I lied on Nicholas Wu's shoulder but I mean I don't understand why he kept pushing me away...

Anyway, it was so bad that I went to the toilet to vomit. Like I have not vommitted for a few years so... yah...

After that, I felt kind of better.

Then, the game evolved even more, where the penalty is no longer eating, but doing guai lan things to strangers, like wearing several watches and asking someone for the time. Nic Chew did just that, and that woman was like giving a super weird and funny face!

Then we went home, and I took 145 with a lot of people, in which we ended up in Toa Payoh bus interchange.

People left to their respective homes, and I walked to a bus stop with Saw and Raymond Gan.

I mean why is it always with Saw. The other time the Honors Band concert also the same lor. Ha... oh well.

So, went home and here I am.

And that concludes Sunday. Tomorrow is a school holiday so yay!

---

Anyway...

What do you call this feeling when...

You know that certain things are bound to happen, yet you can't stop them. You really wish to, but you just can't.

Maybe it's because things have reached such a stage where there's no point in explaning, so you just leave things alone... afraid to avaggarate anything...

Still, you wished that you could be left alone, and people would stop speculating about your life, and that person.

You wished that people will stop disturbing and teasing the two of you, so that at least even though you couldn't be together, there wouldn't be anything to increase the hatred.

You feel guilty, you feel like a burden, you feel like it's your fault, and you don't know what to do...

You tried to think of solutions, you tried to do something, you tried to talk so that you can make things clear, but nothing has changed, and perhaps the hatred has deepened...

You start to wonder if you have done the right thing, you start to wonder if it's your fault again.

You silently hope that the hatred was a lie, and that everything would be fine when you see that person again.

But because the reality wasn't what you wanted it to be, you ran away and shed tears alone.

It was like...

You want to touch him but you can't, you want to appear in sight of him but you shouldn't, you know all that, really... but still you couldn't stop yourself from crying.

You really want certain things, but you know you can never.

So you keep walking, with your head held high, and laughing and smiling at the little happy things that happened.

Even if you are sad, you won't be for long.

Because you remember the past memories, and can smile again.

Even if you feel sad that it was over, it won't be for long.

Because you remember the past memories, and realized they were not lies.

So you smiled that it happened.

---

Maybe, since the time before I was born,
I've been seeking something unchanging
I found it, lost it and sometimes
There were nights when I hurt someone

If you could have just one wish realized
If you could have just one wish realized
What would you pray?
What would you pray to this sky?

While I strongly wanted something,
I began to give up for some reason or other
I found it, let go of it, and sometimes
There were nights when I hurt myself

If there is something I can offer to you
If there is something I can offer to you
It's my firm, constant affection for you

If you show me just a little smile
It's not worthless that I'm still here, is it?

If you need me just a little
I can still be living here, can't I ?

If you could have just one wish realized
If you could have just one wish realized
What would you pray?

If there is something I can offer to you
If there is something I can offer to you
It's my firm, constant affection for you
Yes, it's my firm, constant affection for you
Here

NEVER EVER - ayumi hamasaki

Mirrorcle World

2008-08-08T20:09:00.003+08:00

~ Part I ~

"Memories are sweet because we passed through the time
However sad now, we can talk about it with a smile some day"
theme of a-nation '03 - ayumi hamasaki

---

The daily horoscopes said that today, I will be self-reflecting a lot and... wow how true. I have decided many things and I...

Today, the school had National Day celebrations while the main band went to the NEA building for a performance.

School ended earlier than their performance, so I waited at the canteen for them to return.

Many things happened when they returned, and I don't wish to talk about them.

I only know that I was really sad at that time.

I noticed so many times ever since after the Botanical Gardens performance, that really, we walk past each other as if we're strangers.

Is this supposed to happen? I don't know; I don't have an answer.

But I'm really tired. Tired of feeling sad all the time, tired of crying at the library every other day... tired of everything.

They're all right. It's not worth it.

Because the memories are so beautiful, it's not worth it to feel sad over them. They are meant for me to reminiscence and cry with tears of sadness... they are meant for me to reminiscence and smile, and perhaps shed a tear or two...

It's not worth it to cry over our happy times. I realized that today.

Though the past was really fun, and I wished so badly to return to it, but that was then and this is now. I realized that today.

Wherever we are at now, even if we may be alone, even if the circumstance was the same as the past, at this point of time, we will always be strangers. I realized that today.

He doesn't really care about the past and the memories; perhaps it didn't mean a lot to him. I realized that today.

But whatever it is, I should always be here to protect the memories. And so I do.

He hates me now, and perhaps all along. Maybe it was something I did, or something I said. Maybe it's because he's sick and tired of me. Whatever it is, I know and accept the truth now.

But even so, it doesn't mean that everything was sad.

This whole thing is a story with a tragic ending; but as always, there are happy scenes to be cherished along the way... and I'm lucky to have them.

Despite the sad reality, I can always find something to be happy about.

Even if I can't be happy because I can never see and be with him anymore, I can always search for memories of the same sort of happiness.

With that, I can't be sad.

As I have said, our days together weren't something depressing that I dislike; on the contrary, they are something that I treasure so much, so... I shouldn't feel sad over the loss of them in reality, right?

Rather, I should be happy that I had them.

Just like how the saying goes, "Don't cry that it's over. Rather, smile that it happened."

I can do that. Really.

I will always cherish the memories, but I can't always make myself stick around him because... I have other things to do in my life, and he's sick of seeing me too.

So, by doing what I want to do now, I think it will help the two of us.

I wonder if he has forgotten about the days that we spent together, the things that we said, the laughter that we shared and everything else...

Perhaps it doesn't matter anymore.

I will go on a new journey, though I know that I will still always love you...

---

"But I'm prouder than anyone else that
The days we spent together weren't lies"
LOVE ~ Destiny~ - ayumi hamasaki

I feel that so many songs are matching to my feelings now!

---

Part II

"Little by little, I've come to realize
That my past never heals
And that it's no use
Fearing the future I can't refuse"
No way to say - ayumi hamasaki

After 20th July, 2008, I have found that there are many changes in my life.

First, there was him. And how I have finally accepted things and decided to move on, no matter how much I still love him...

Then, the next thing is my brother is out of a part-time job, so he's staying at home every day until 24th October, when he would be going to NS. To face someone whom I hate to the core every day... I find it very hard and painful.

Basically, it is a fucked up life. But I'm trying.

I have came up with solutions.

I know my first change, I have already come up with a solution.

Next, I will most likely stay in school, at the library, until 5pm? To study before I go home. It's the best that I can do.

Maybe things wouldn't be so sad, if I bothered to try to change the sad things.

Perhaps when people say that life sucks, they're just saying it because they are feeling sad.

I can never believe that a person is always sad.

I can never believe that whatever happy moments you had, you were acting them out.

I can never believe that anyone would put in so much effort to fool someone they hate.

So, humans are not always sad. That is my belief.

I will look forward to tomorrow, because I can.

If I feel sad, I can always look back at the days I spent with him, and smile again.

I'll remember once more that I shouldn't take for granted the things which I think I'll always have.

You taught me that.

It's miraculous.

Perhaps I took the past for granted, thinking that I could always see you again... but... oh well.

---

"They ask me
'The beginning or the end?'
'Did you give up or are you holding on?'
'Are you shrugging off or in despair?'
You tell me to just go forward

They ask me
'Do you go with the flow or want to stop it?'
'Do you turn a blind eye or are you not even looking?'
'Are you fighting or raising the white flag?'
It's no time to be a victim and escape'
Mirrorcle World - ayumi hamasaki

SURREAL

2008-08-07T19:34:00.003+08:00

"We have our weak sides
We are not always smiling
Don't forget
That we don't exist for your convenience"
my name's WOMEN - ayumi hamasaki

---

I was described as being a cheerful person. While remembering what teachers wrote on my report books, they always say that I smile a lot and am very cheerful.

Perhaps in the far away past, where although I was scared in this house, I still showed a true smile, maybe it's because I still believed, maybe it's because I was really happy.

But now, at this current time, I can confidently say that whenever I smile, I don't always mean it.

When people ask me if I'm okay, I will just say that I'm okay and add a smile. How else do I lie to them? Why would I want to lie to them? I really have valid reasons.

1) I don't really want to explain every single thing that makes me sad.
2) I don't want my sad story to affect their mood of the day.
3) The main reason to why I feel depressed is because of him and I don't want people to blame him or to pass bad comments about him.

But apparently, there are always side-effects...

1) They think I don't mind anything because I keep smiling, so the violence/beating comes.
2) I just become a lifeless person, smiling for the sake of smiling.
3) Maybe he thinks that I'm happy, leading the life that I really wish could have him in it...

But there are times when I can't smile. Like this afternoon.

I saw at the primary school canteen, and it's the usual ignoring... perhaps that was okay but something before that affected my mood, and the ignoring was like the extra spice to break my heart.

I walked past his class after PE and Justin Yap and Sean Tang were walking in front of me. Then, when I reached his class, Sean Tang was like, "Where is Mark?" and he said it several times and very loudly too. So I mean, obviously his whole class heard it.

I told Sean to stfu and then I just walked faster... to run away, like I always do.

Then at the staircase, I turned my head and I saw him at the back door, and then he was like playing with Justin Yap.

If I were at there, what would he do? I have come to realize that I will always be some stranger walking past him every time and... I mean I know I may not be as cool or humorous like Justin Yap but still... oh well.

He will always ignore me, and perhaps it shouldn't hurt so much because I know his rationale. But whenever I remember the times when he would treat me the opposite way... it just hurts very badly to know that you have to pretend not to know each other.

Maybe he has always along wanted to ignore me. Like I always never existed.

Because I felt heartbroken, I fled to the library and cried again.

I remember there were a lot of people there and I really wanted to be alone but I felt too sad so I just sat and cried.

I remember James Onggo went up to me to ask what's wrong, and I wanted to smile and act like I'm really okay but I'm just too sad... so I didn't say anything and I cried even more bitterly. Then James was like "okay I'm so sorry..."...

I really can't control the tears from overflowing...

I think I cried from 2 30 to about 3 15...

It was just too sad.

And I wish he knew I was so upset.

But could he do, even if he knew?

Honestly, he doesn't have to do anything; I mean even if he were to just sit beside me and not say anything, I would feel that great sense of comfort too, because the fact that he would care...

But reality is always so cruel.

Maybe it will be my death that makes him understand something. I don't know, this is usually the case. But in any case, what if he feels guilty (very unlikely though) for the rest of his life? Then there's no point in me dying because I honestly just want him to be happy.

Still, I wished so strongly that he would be like how he was, patting my shoulder and asking me not to be emo.

Memories, always so beautiful to reminiscence...

I can only live in the past, can't I? Because it's always so beautiful...

"Even if the whole word decides to abandon me, even if they decide to not believe in me, you must not, because my heart is in your hands, and I love you."

---

"There might not have been such a thing
Since the beginning
The happy, sad
And tender story

I might be dreaming
And see illusions
I might be sleeping away
Too long

In the season of the blue sky
And the scent of summer
I remember your profile

The scenery of the city began to be distorted
I searched for sunglasses
To lose all the colours

What I wanted to be
Was not a princess
What I wanted to have
Was not glass slippers

What I wanted to be
Was me being with you
What I wanted to have
Was your heartily smiling face

A wind with the scent of summer
Passed through the sky today
I nodded and said to myself all right
If it's destiny
As we were talking about
We can meet again somewhere

la la la la la la i...
I nodded and said to myself all right
la la la la la la i...
Because I'm very strong"
monochrome - ayumi hamasaki

I think this song express my feelings well, and it's not because of the last line... You know that the 'Because I'm very strong' is a paradox, right?

The actual song has a guy banging a door and shouting, "Yeah, right!" right after that line... it's a lie...

I'm not strong at all.

='(

2008-08-06T20:31:00.003+08:00

"We have come to know each other little by little
But suddenly I find I know nothing about you
Please tell me what you feel by the time I understand it
You can even shout"
Because of You - ayumi hamasaki

...

I wonder if you know how your friends mock at me. I know you don't blame your friends, because they are your friends, for laughing at you. I know you blame me instead, because if I didn't exist, then they wouldn't do all that.

What am I supposed to say? What am I supposed to do?

I don't feel good when your friends laugh at me, or point their fingers at me and then whisper to the guy next to him, or when they keep staring at me, or when they keep mentioning your name when they see me...

I feel even worse when I realized you blame me instead of them for your humiliation, and I feel the worst when I realized that it's really all my fault...

I wish I can talk to you privately, and find out why you really hate me so much, or anything else.

I felt that we spent so much time together that surely, we could be friends. But... sigh.

Am I supposed to delude myself now that whatever I just said were all untrue?

until that Day...

---

Anyway, I'm surprised to know that so many of my peers wish to pursue music.

I know of three now, though one of them is just my inferring...

But still, they wish to pursue music.

It's not that I don't want to. I think having a career in music is one of my dreams.

But reality is such that your dreams... can't always be fufilled.

I am unfortunate to be untalented and musically declined, and as such, I have come to terms to stopping anything music-related soon.

I mean, if you ask me, I really want to be a musician in the future, but those are just far away dreams...

Face up to reality. And I will realize that I am not cut out to be a professional musician next time because I am just too lousy.

Maybe I'm not, but does it matter? I have seen for myself, my own standards for the past few months.

I know where I stand.

So, good luck to the fellow peers who wish to pursue music; I'll most likely end up in an office, wearing a tie, doing a job that I hate every day of my life...

I have so much feelings, but I don't know how to express myself. Whether is it my despair over my dreams, or my depression over him, or my wrath over a certain someone living in this house, or my fear and agony over his friends, or my worry over my studies...

I can't find any words to express them, and I...

"Though I have firm feelings
You see, I can't change them into words as usual
Everyone is living this way
With feelings they can't express"
No way to say - ayumi hamasaki

...

"Good-bye, even my last words don't reach you
I'm made to realize the coldness of this parting
I wish I could have heard from you
That you never regretted the days we had spent together
Just once, even if it had been a lie"
Memorial address - ayumi hamasaki

Bold & Delicious

2008-08-05T20:38:00.007+08:00

"What does it mean to live?
If there are definite answers, don't you think it's boring?"
INSPIRE - ayumi hamasaki

---

Today something bad happened. Maybe it didn't appear to be so bad but I certainly felt that it was painful. So much so that I hid at the library and cried. How many times has it been? But my overflowing emotions enabled me to write 6 new songs today so... I don't know.

Anyway, you have heard of Office Politics. Let me introduce to you Class Politics.

My class is really complicated. There are many cliques in the class and everyone belongs to a certain clique.

Before that, let me just clarify that I don't think I belong in any clique. I think I belong to all of them, so maybe that's why I know just about everything. =)

Anyway, sometimes the "leader" from one clique offends the "leader" from another clique and omg, the result is disastrous. Today, I just heard of some news.

The "leader" of one clique; let's call him D. D badmouthed the "leader" of another clique; let's call him K.

So D badmouthed K.

And then D's clique told K's clique about the badmouthing incident, which really pissed K off. And when K is pissed, he doesn't do the "usual" things like bitch about and complain. He will really do the last resort kind of things.

So anyway, I heard that K punched D (not too sure about this one...) and then D was like complaining about the pain or something during one of the lessons after recess (it's a separate class so I couldn't get to see that part of D) and then he apparently got the teacher's attention to go to the general office.

Then at there, the discipline committee was like trying to find out who punched D, and I heard he was acting like he don't want to say like that, but he did anyway.

And then words travel fast and after school, some teacher actually asked me if K went to beat up someone. I didn't know anything at that time so I said I don't know.

Then during lunch, I was sitting with K and his clique and it's like they were discussing about this whole incident, included with other stuff that I don't really want to disclose.

Then when I went to the library afterwards, I heard from D that the discipline committee said they will expel K. Oh my...

So, that's the end of the first part of the incident, as I seriously don't believe that the incident will just end like that.

More dramas, more fightings, tomorrow.

---

Introducing my favorite brand. Marks & Spencer.

Oh my God. Marks & Spencer could possibly be one of the best brands in the world.

When I grow up and have a house all to myself, I want everything in there to be made of Marks & Spencer. Clothes, food, toiletries, etc... ALL to be from Marks & Spencer.

I have to ask Mr. Low where he got his Marks & Spencer bag from... I want it too!

And he fed us cornflakes from Marks & Spencer today! Omg! So delicious and... omg un-describe-able... definitely better than the Kellog's.

I love Marks & Spencer!

Oh my God. A Marks & Spencer clock? I wish they would sell it...

Omg these are the bags that Mr. Low has! I will buy it... Sunday! Omg omg omg omg omg!!!

Oh and please visit www.marksandspencer.com and just look at their super chio and high-class products!

Their men's products look super nice too!

And they sell furniture too!

Okay, my future home is going to have EVERYTHING from Marks & Spencer!!! <3 Okay enough of my spastic review of Marks & Spencer. Before I end this post off, a surprise picture for everyone to enjoy.

A photo of Ayu's campagin for Wacoal, an international lingerie company.

---

"I don't have to hesitate anymore
I know what I want to protect
It's too late to turn back,
Which I know very well"
INSPIRE - ayumi hamasaki

See you! ^^

[reBiRTH] talkin' 2 myself/Marionette

2008-08-04T19:53:00.008+08:00

"Memories are always beautiful
In the eyes of everyone
In the same way"
Marionette - ayumi hamasaki

---

At where I'm standing, the road ahead seems treacherous and I'm wary of it. Should I continue? Should I stop? Should I go back?

This morning I had a very bad headache and obviously it affected my Physics test... I don't know I have been suffering from headaches and pain from other parts of my body. It was as if the pain in my heart is not enough...

But things started to get better during Lit lesson, where Xing Hao was recalling his memories with er-hem, and I was recalling my memories...

And really, I realized how beautiful memories are.

Through the memories, I found out and learned a lot of things.

Right now, I'm proud to say that the days we spent together weren't lies at all.

Do you still remember them? Do you think of them sometimes, and laugh?

If you do, then it'll be like our little secret... because I don't think anyone knows about the moments we shared, and how everything felt like.

But even if you regretted creating these memories, and couldn't be bothered to think of them, at least I know about them. They will always be cherished.

Today... I don't know what to say. Sometimes I feel like hating your friends. I detest them for being so immature and insensitive, and laughing at you and at me. I wish they would stop, but I know they would never. But since they're your friends, I suppose I should learn to accept and ignore them.

But the saddest fact is that because they're your friends, I know you would never blame them, so everything is going to be my fault... Oh well, what can I do? Especially so when I am such a stranger to you...

The days ahead look depressing but I will move on, and walk.

Though there will be times when I wish I could be by your side but... reality is as such.

At least you are happy in your own company, and the only thing I can do is to always wish and pray for your happiness.

---

"Just because this is the age full of information and temptations
We should make the choices of our own
You know that
Creation comes after destruction"
talkin' 2 myself - ayumi hamasaki

Together When...

2008-08-02T20:49:00.006+08:00

"One day
When I happened to be a little puzzled
By a new and unfamiliar view
Which I must have chosen
The gentle wind just like you
Blew by me"
Together When... - ayumi hamasaki

...

I made a decision. Because I made this decision, I am forced to walk on a new road. And somehow, this new road that doesn't seem so new, when I was walking along the places that I have walked every day of my life... something changed.

It was so windy today, and the wind kept blowing against my face... telling me this is not an illusion, while it feels so gentle, reminding me of you...

I wish I could be by your side, but if I did, you would be unhappy, right?

I kept wondering today if you would ask about me, if I have ever crossed your mind, if you could remember be...

And...

A part of me regrets deciding not to go for the Paralymics. Don't even mention playing, I didn't even go to watch.

Were people surprised? Did it matter? I already have an answer in my mind.

But despite all the regret and heartbreak... I know that you must be happy there.

And that makes me feel happy too.

Such a lifestyle... I should continue with it.

A life where I wouldn't go to where you are, where I wouldn't be next to you, where I would be alone, thinking over many things.

I am just like your shadow, always by by your side, but I suppose you have never noticed my presence.

But it doesn't matter anymore.

I am so bad at adapting but I will try, as I always had.

I will go on a new journey, though I know that I will always love you...

...

"I want to see you
I want to see you
I don't know what to do
Because you are smiling so tenderly, but only just in my memory"
HANABI - ayumi hamasaki

1 LOVE

2008-08-01T19:41:00.003+08:00

"It's my nature to go out of the line somehow
If you want to sting me, feel free as you like with sharp words
I can't follow a person ahead of me"
1 LOVE - ayumi hamasaki

---

And my right arm hurts horrendously now...

Seriously, I wonder what do people think when they start hitting me. I'm immune to pain? I don't mind?

I wish I was immune to pain. I really do.

But because I don't, obviously it hurts when you people start punching and whacking me on all parts of my body.

I feel like laughing, and asking, "Is this a joke?", when you said that I won't feel any pain.

So if I don't, then explain the pain in my right arm now...

I really feel like throwing a fit, and shout to the word, that I mind so much for all their violence towards me that if I could, I would have killed all of them.

I really feel like punching one of them, just to prove to the rest that they shouldn't continue in their immature ways.

But I can't. It's not because I don't want to, it's because I can't...

The wrath builds up to a point and then... it disappears.

Is this what my life is supposed to be? A constant joke, insult and punching bag (in both physical and emotional aspects)?

I really hate it when people punch me or anything like that for no reasons; or for stupid reasons that don't make any sense.

I don't think I did anything wrong, though I may be a very evil and selfish bitch. So?

I almost fear coming to school every day, for fear that I am going to get punched again.

I can laugh with you for the first time that you do it, because I know it's for the fun of the fun.

But, really, the more you do it, you can tell it from my words and face. I really want you to stop. It's hurting me, and I wish you would stop, so I tell you that.

But you never listen, you never will. And you continue. And other people start to laugh.

Of course, I'm not laughing. This isn't the good laughing with someone but the evil laughing at someone.

This is when a joke/tease mutates to bullying and being mean.

I know that I am already very strong, because I have reached a point where I am not, if not barely, wavered by words.

Go on, insult and humiliate me. I don't care. It doesn't bother me.

But once you decide to use physical violence, I'm sorry I just can't take it.

The worst thing is, I treat all of you as my friends and... it's so much more painful like that.

I will be waiting for that day where I won't be harassed anymore. Sometimes, I really want to be left alone as I walk around the canteen during recess, thinking about the things that tug at my heartstrings.

---

"To live is to keep on choosing with our own hands
If you want to interrupt me, feel free to your heart's content with words or whatever
I don't waver with such things"
1 LOVE - ayumi hamasaki

~~~

"We are Beautiful Fighters
To be honest
There are some terrible days
But the girls who live
Without stopping nor giving up are
Beautiful Fighters
The unhealed wound
Sometimes opens
But shuts again in time"
Beautiful Fighters - ayumi hamasaki

Well, yesterday was the English Oral for Prelims 2 and... I'm kind of afraid of my results!

So I went to the hall at around 2 20pm and sat down to wait, silent praying that I won't get certain teachers for the oral...

Anyway, I find it so strange why Carolyn/Caroline (let's just use the first one because my right arm is killing me) Goh always is the one who organizes all of us into sitting down and that kind of... BORING stuff.

Well, just stoned and talked and waited there until it was my turn and as I calculated from eons ago... I got Champion!

So, being the English Language lover that I am (or rather, because I'm afraid my oral marks would suck...), I asked all the 4E people around me about Champion; how she's like, what things she looks out for, and so on.

One thing Xing Hao told me was that if you don't give eye contact to her, you're dead.

So I said, I will stare at her during the Conversation section.

Then, the whole thing just started.

I remembered my reading aloud was kind of screwed up, because I know I rushed a little. But Champion it was overall quite all right, so phew!

Then, it was the killer section: Picture Discussion. I think I was usually quite okay in this, but I don't know what happened yesterday.

She asked me, "What do you think the boys in the picture are thinking?"

And I answered that using direct speech (i.e, using "I")... and omg later she told me that I'm not supposed to do that!

But she also said my Conversation was "obviously" my strongest point. It must because I really stared at her. Hahaha.

So, although she said I was generally all right, I was still damn freaked. My oral must be perfect because my comprehension sucks!

If I recall correctly, I got highest in class for Oral in sec2, and I got 33/40 for Oral in Prelim 1 when Audrey Chong took me.

So, this Oral MUST be above 30 marks, if not I'm so screwed... ~

Then after the Oral, I was stunned to see Xing Hao, Gabriel Kang, Prime and Chang Jun waiting at the porch... for me! Anyway they're going to Toa Payoh which was why they waited for me.

So, off we go!

Then during the journey of 28 (argh I hate single deck 28s...), Nicholas Tan called Xing Hao and somehow he will be meeting us at Toa Payoh library.

But went to MacDonald's first, while the rest ate and I just sucked (I mean ate) an ice cream.

Then we went to the library.

Then talked as we just grabbed books here and there.

Finally, we went to the third level and sat down. Guess what books we took. Stupid Gabriel Kang lah, took all the homosexuality books for me to read... but they were all interesting. And then we all took books on Love, Sex, etc. Omg all these books are just... so fun to read!

Then we left a 5+.

"We are Beautiful Fighters
We cried tonight
Just a little
But the girls who fight with the tomorrow
That is new and clean are
Beautiful Fighters
For we know
Our desires are
Never satisfied completely"
Beautiful Fighters - ayumi hamasaki

...

Exit this blog now if you don't want to read about him anymore.

...

"The days when I loved you were the last miracle to me"

I miss you so much... I am practically spending almost every minute of my time in lessons thinking of you and wishing that I could see you, and that you could laugh for me.

"The season when everyone longs to be around people
Has come again this year
With warmth and coldness"

Winter is not here, and it never will be, but I realized that everyone wants to have company, and that everyone has someone he wants to always be with, just like how I want to always be with you..

While I look on other people being so happy with other people... it feels heartwarming to know that people are nice to people but...

I wish so much that I could be as close and happy with you, like how were for the past few months, and suddenly my heart feels empty again at the realization that I could never see and be next to you again...

"I remember the day
When we were too young with no knowledge about the word and walking
Laughing together and hanging on each other"

These past few months... our days together... do you remember them? Or have you already forgotten about them, no matter how endless and precious I felt them to be? Surely, I believed strongly, that you couldn't have acted out your tenderness towards me...

"What excuse should I make
For this wave of pain?"

Can I blame other people for my pain now? But I know it so strongly that everything was my fault... how many times have I said this? But I'm really sorry for my existence, and because of me, you got insulted and humiliated...

"Even in the night I'm freezing alone in the white snow
My love for you is my last courage"

Every night, before I go to sleep, I just lie on my bed... and think of the past moments... it warms my heart so much yet it makes me feel so much pain...

Life is sometimes so bad, especially during these days, and it feels like I'm being told that I can't live without you.

But I won't die yet, I won't give up yet, because my love for you is my last courage...

"I wonder if I'm so stupid
Just waiting for the time passage
Believing that I'll surely be forgiven some day"

Tomorrow is the performance at the Paralympics... Nicholas Tan, Chang Jun, Albert and Justin Yap are playing. Xing Hao and Joseph are going to watch... but I'm going to stay at home...

It's not that I can't go, it's not that I don't want to go. On the contrary, I really want to go, so that I can see your dazzling smile again...

But I know that my existence is your unhappiness. I am your bane; your burden... I know that you will never forgive me for the mistakes that I have made but... I still believe...

I can only ask Xing Hao to SMS me anything about you tomorrow... I feel so pathetic and useless...

But still, I hope you will feel happy and have fun tomorrow, especially since I am not going to be there...

We had so much fun in the past, but I don't know why things can change so fast. All I know is that you hate me now, and I'm doing the right thing by avoiding you...

"I hold the rush of feelings
So that it may not spill down"

So I shouldn't look sad if I see you, right?

"Until the day our hands reach the white snow
My love for you is my last courage"

Will you ask where I am if you don't see me tomorrow? Maybe you would, just like the 20th July, and then you would say again that things are better since I'm not there...

If not seeing me really make things better, then so be it.

"My love for you is the last forever to me
That I could meet you was the first miracle to me"

I have known you for 3 years, and I only started have feelings for you last year. Really, to be able to spend time with you was so miraculous... and everything that we did together...

From the really bad times when you laughed at me and when you ignored me, to the really good times when I was by your side, and we shared a lot of laughs together... they are all miracles to me, simply because I know I don't have a very happy life.

But all good things must come to an end, and that's the harsh reality.

Even though you hate me now, a part of me still believes that you will remember the time that we had together, and you will still laugh at my foolish actions... like how you did at those times...

After the time we had...

I will wait for you to return...

until that day...

"The days when I loved you were the last miracle to me

The season when everyone longs to be around people
Has come again this year
With warmth and coldness

I remember the day
When we were too young with no knowledge about the world and walking
Laughing together and hanging on each other

What excuse should I make
For this wave of pain?

Even in the night I'm freezing alone in white snow
My love for you is my last courage

I wonder if I'm so stupid
Just waiting for the time passage
Believing that I'll surely be forgiven some day

* I hold the rush of feelings
So that it may not spill down

Until the day our hands reach white snow
My love for you is my last courage

* (repeat)

Even in the night I'm freezing alone in white snow
Until the day our hands reach white snow

My love for you is the last forever to me

That I could meet you was the first miracle to me"
momentum - ayumi hamasaki

='(

2008-07-30T20:36:00.003+08:00

"I heartily hope that you will not be
A victim of this sad age
I sing this song today just as I pray
So that my dearest wish may reach you"
ANGEL'S SONG - ayumi hamasaki

---

I made them promise me that they would always be nice to you, and to not make you feel sad.

Because I am so useless myself, I can't even protect you with my own hands... I feel really pathetic but, what else can I do?

I vowed not to return to main band anymore but Miss Lee made an announcement for all band members to meet at the band room...

It was like I keep wondering why do such things happen.

I really don't want to go back to main band, I really don't want you to see me anymore, I really don't want to make you feel unhappy...

So I just said no and left the band room.

And I felt such pain and heartbreak as I went home... and strangely, the journey home today seems to be so much longer and boring...

And when I went home, things are just perfect. I saw my brother at home and the usual insults and kao pei-ing starts and really, I wish I was dead then.

Ever since Monday, I have been feeling unwell, have been having bad days... and that usual warmth from you could never come again.

Were those days lies? Was nothing real? Maybe they were, or so I thought.

But Miss Tan said it so perfectly today, when she was talking about rapport and human relationships...

"We shared so many months together, how can you not feel anything?"

And I thought, yes it suits me very well too.

Of course, being the sane and realistic person that I am, I don't mean feelings as in romantic love.

But not even as a friend?

Because I held that belief, I believed that there was no way you could have faked and acted out everything... it's just humanly impossible...

I don't think anyone has to such extents to deal with someone they abhor.

So, once again, your feelings are a mystery, though I already have an answer inside.

I mean, you talked with Xing Hao today, commenting on his hair, and then I saw you talking to him again at the band room.

And you hugged Justin Yap in the band room too.

I know that you will never hug me. Let's be really realistic here.

Am I jealous? Maybe I am. But as always, I know that your actions are grounded. I am really not the coolest, or the nicest, or the pro-est senior... perhaps it doesn't matter, but still you don't have to remember me or the past few months if you don't want to.

I mean you probably don't want to.

So...

Even if I am your most hated person, even if you hate me now and ever since I don't know when, even if you wish I didn't exist, even if you won't treat me like how you treat other people, even if I am really just nothing to you...

I will continue to pray for your happiness, and to always wish that you will be happy.

And the best way I can make my wishes come true is to disappear from your sight.

After all, I can always remember the past. They are really beautiful.

Even if I can say now that you probably don't bother about me anymore, I can say with pride that in the past, perhaps things were a little different.

Just for that, I feel contented.

Also, at least you are still nice and sociable to other people. Even if it's not towards me, at least to others. Isn't that what's most important? That you remain as yourself - a very friendly and nice person, always and always? As long as you have the freedom to be yourself, I don't mind if I can be with you or not.

For you to protect that dream, I couldn't be with you.

---

"Surely, that day
The two of us touched love"
HEAVEN - ayumi hamasaki

momentum

2008-07-29T19:40:00.009+08:00

"My love for you is the last forever to me"
momentum - ayumi hamasaki

...

I thought today would be okay. I thought every day would be okay. I really foolishly thought that everything would be fine as long as I think it's fine, and just be happy about the simplest things.

But... where are the simple things?

After the bad cough and flu last week, this week, a new disease has manifested in my body.

During the Physics GEP today, I had a bad stomachache and it really isn't the sort where you rush to the toilet to clear your bowels.

It was that sort of stomachache that felt like so painful, and you wonder if you had food poisoning or if you had some appendix problem.

It was so painful... and I already had a bad headache ever since the previous night...

Then on my home, I remembered I was clutching my tummy and wishing that the pain would go away...

Despite all these physical pain, the most painful pain that lingered... was the heartache.

It was like this very empty feeling in your chest and you feel cold and shivery... because you are lonely and afraid...

Three formidable pains, all inside me. I almost felt like crying.

Anyway, I staggered home and rested and eventually the stomachache went away but the headache is still here, and no the heartache will never fade away...

And just when I thought everything was fine already, suddenly I had this queasy feeling in my stomach, like I felt so bloated that I lost my appetite for dinner... and really like vomiting. I tried but nothing came out so I just sat here, blogging, enduring pain from everywhere...

And I really wonder, why can't people leave me alone?

Wherever I go in school, people either start laughing, or they starting shouting someone's name... or they start hitting and touching me.

I'm really, really, really sick and tired.

The only times when I remembered myself being left alone was when I cried.

Must I actually cry to make people shut the fuck up? I think that's really pathetic...

Really, I just want people to leave me alone, to just stop doing all that stupid callings, to stop all that beatings.

I am already suffering from so much pain, I don't need anymore?

And once again, I thought of killing myself, or slashing my wrists.

You see, I guess I am a very ultimate kind of hypocrite. Because I never practise what I preach.

I remember telling other people who have relationship problems that they must leave that person and start life afresh.

I remember telling Hendrik that suicide is wrong and that there are many more beautiful things in life to live for.

I remember telling other people to stay cheerful and happy.

But what about me?

I can't do anything that I told others to do. I can't stay happy, I can't forget about him, I can't live without him.

I can't live without him.

It's like ever since I know about the truth, I get a bad cough and flu last week, and this week I am burdened with all these ailments.

Really, what excuse can I make for this wave of pain?

Right now, I am only remembering and holding on to the many many beautiful memories with him in the past to continue walking.

I mean, is there anything else that can keep me alive?

I wish so much for him to talk to me again, but...

I am only looking at him from somewhere far away...

I can only blame myself, right?

...

"My love for you is my last courage"
momentum - ayumi hamasaki

Crying... I can only do that.

He hates me. You hate me. I hate myself.

2008-07-28T15:37:00.004+08:00

"The sky that I saw was beautiful
If only I could be strong and move forward
Just like you"
walking proud - ayumi hamasaki

...

After searching, I have found it. I have the found the answer.

No matter how sad and painful that answer is, it's still reality. And I still have to accept it.

The fact that you hate me. A lot.

I mean, I always thought that perhaps you don't hate me, and you have some sort of another kind of feeling that even I don't know of... and it brought me some hope.

But, I guess I was too naive.

I still remember how I used to be so obstinate and refuse to believe anything that anyone else says about you, especially when they tell me that you really hate me. I would say that I would only believe what you told me.

I guess, I was always wrong.

You have never liked me as a friend. You have always hated me to the core.

You didn't tell me that you hate me, but I know it because two different people told me the same thing relating to a particular situation. Surely, they wouldn't be lying.

The irony is that, after I know that you hate me, people suddenly start coming up to me to tell me that you don't hate me, that you care about me...

A part of me tells me to believe those words; I know I'll be happy.

But... no matter how I believe them, and deceive myself, the fact that you hate me still remains a reality. And I realized that I can never run away from reality no matter how hard I try, because it never fails to manifest itself in front of my eyes.

Just like today, when you ignored me on all three times that we met each other.

It's like, when I see other people actually saying hi to you, and they do stupid stuff like hugging you... I ask myself, "Why can't I do that?"

And I start to wonder why do you ignore me like you don't even know me at all...

Before I get pulled back to the facts. Reality check: you hate me a lot.

So you're not supposed to be nice to me or to talk to me.

I realized that... and withdraw my feelings yet again.

And then on the bus, I tried to join in the conversation, so that you would talk to me. And I failed horribly. I mean you just flat out ignored me.

And once again, it just shows that you hate me. Not forgetting with concrete evidence from the fact that you blocked me from MSN.

But, if you hated me from the start, then what do all those happy moments mean? Were they all lies? Did you make them by accident?

Maybe I should be angry. Maybe I should hate you too for those happy moments that are just fabricated lies.

But strangely, I don't feel hatred or wrath. I feel a sense of resentment. Towards myself.

Perhaps none of this would have happened if I hadn't been so useless.

If I could be more smart, and prevented you from getting humiliated by everyone...

I mean, everyone must have thought that you are a very cool person, playing soccer and being the person that you are.

But because of me... I wonder if... people think of you as someone laughable and uncool now, just like myself.

I know it's my fault. It has always been.

But still, even if all the fun times were lies, I can only linger in them, and live in the past. Because if not... I couldn't be happy anymore.

I know there are still times when I wished so strongly that you could still be nice to me, that you could still see me and say hi, that you could be nice to me like in the past...

But reality is just too cruel.

I'm not someone important to you. I'm nothing to you.

If it's so, then I'm sure you would be happier now.

I am a useless burden to you.

But, since I know that you hate me, I can give more. I don't have any more reservations now, and I don't have to try to guess anymore.

Because, the truth is so stark - you abhor me.

So, I can just continue giving, in a way that you wouldn't know, if not you'll just be unhappy all over again.

Love is not a partnership. Love is giving; just giving more and more and more... when you have given everything... that is Love.

I really believe that way.

Wow, why am I still hoping that you don't hate me?

YOU HATE ME!

It's the blatant truth. Accept it.

I'm still grateful that I have these memories to keep with me. Though I'm trying very hard now to appear happy in front of you... it's very hard but I can do it.

Now that I am not going to ever return to main band... that thought gives you the thrills, right? Well, no big surprise, since you hate me so much.

But I still want to see you. And I will do so, seeing from somewhere far away...

Maybe (oh wow the delusions) you just don't know anything; you just don't know the sort of impact you have on me; you just don't know that your words and actions are so important to me.

But they are not anymore. For I know that you truly hate me.

So, the delusion is invalid.

I can only move on slowly, while you stay happy, or I suppose even happier than before.

That day was far away, beautiful, and I will cherish it.

Just for that, I have the strength to walk on.

It's because of you. That I could have such days.

...

"So I walk on
You'll go too, won't you?
With light shining
On our two separate paths"
End roll - ayumi hamasaki

Everything is over... and done with. I wish you could always be happy...

TOP BAND!!!

2008-07-27T20:25:00.003+08:00

"I leave this song here
Instead of saying good-bye
I hope you will walk on without giving up
Till the time we can meet again"
Replace - ayumi hamasaki

---

I won't be sad anymore.

Every day, I get to know of new things, and to realize old things. Honestly, I still believe that perhaps you would be able to remember me and our days and laugh at the fun in them.

But even if you don't, I guess it's okay too.

Because I have never expected you to do anything.

Do you hate me? You care about me? Really, I don't know. It's like different people around me have such different opinions about this whole incident, that... hey, who am I supposed to listen? Except to listen to everything that everyone said and come up with my own conclusion, with support from your words and actions. It's painful and confusing but heck it.

So you will continue on with your life, without me interfering anymore, while I will continue on with my life too, perhaps occasionally asking questions about you.

I won't cry that it was over, but rather, I think I will smile that it happened.

---

26th July, 2008.

Maris Stella Alumni Symphonic Band has made History again.

I am so proud to announce that we are the TOP BAND of the Open Division of the Singapore International Band Festival (SIBF), beating the Assumption College Lampang Symphonic Band from Thailand, Tom Lee Hong Kong Youth Neowinds Orchestra from Hong Kong and Anglo-Chinese School Independent Symphonic Band!!!

This whole month of July has been so hectic and busy that I feel asleep on the bus to school every morning (something I have never done before)!!!

Anyway, I remember reaching the school at um 2pm and started to slack and lame around first before starting the practice.

Mr. Lin came and rehearsed Air with us, and I could tell he was kind of apprehensive about Air because I mean we only sightread that piece like the previous night? And he also mentioned something about our disappointing attitude and discipline... which was kind of depressing but oh well.

Then had one hour of sectionals where I finally cleared section S & T of Hymn to the Sun!

Then had full band with Mr. Chiang and then there was dinner and off we go!

Ever since I know that we are into the Finals, I always thought that we would definitely get the 4th place because the other bands were really just that good.

So at the Esplanade, when we were at the Lobby getting our passes and all... the nostalgia ran through my whole body and immediately I just remembered everything that happened on the 15th April all over again.

So, it was just a little sad.

Then, we went into the holding room with the Hong Kong band, and behold, the holding room was the room where the waterbottle drama happened... nostalgia, all over again.

So much so that I could only walk out of the room and linger around the corridor...

Thankfully, I had Garrett, Jia Wei and Saw to talk to get rid of that negative feeling.

So gradually, that nostalgia faded away as I reminded myself that I should be happy and grateful for everything that happened. I'm here for a competition! Not to emo over things that I shouldn't emo over!

And then, as if to reward me for such a thinking, the interesting things started happening...

We took the cargo lift with our instruments to go into the tuning room. Then the lift was jam-packed with tons of people and I was so apprehensive of entering... that when I did, this helper girl started laughing and I mean it was kind of embarrassing, I suppose...

And then we tuned and all that, and it was our turn to compete.

While waiting at the backstage and all, I managed to listen to ACS(I)'s playing and omg I was so stunned... cos they really sounded so good and my thought of us getting 4th was like reaffirmed.

But oh well, heck it, I thought, I should just playing as per normal.

Sunshine Breeze March was pretty good, I think it gave the audience a happy and poppy start to our performance.

Then it was Chosen. When Douglas went on with his solo, I seriously thought that he improved so much from Thursday... however, this song had minor screw ups here and there but who cares? We are still TOP BAND!!!

Then it was my favorite song from this list, Air from the Celtic Folk Song Suite. It was like we let the audience listen to this very gentle and dreamy song... reminds me of fairies, waterfalls, rainbows and nostalgia...

Finally, it was Hymn to the Sun the last song. Suddenly, the Hymn was like our GREATEST HIT thing or something because I really remember playing this song so often...

Okay after we were done, we went back to the holding room, where that same girl in the left was opening the door for us, and then when she saw me, she was like, "xing ku ni men le!!!" in her super dolly-girlish voice which I thought was so cute! So anyway I just laughed and thanked her.

Then, Xing Hao was like saying that he wanted to take a photo with her so I just tagged along. And after he was done, the girl was like asking me if I want to take photos too... like do I have a jealous face? Cos I HONESTLY am not jealous, seeing as how I will never be interested.

But anyway, I just took photos for the fun of it and I did something pretty bad but trust me it wasn't intentional! If you want to know, just ask me cos it's too embarrassing to put it here.

Then after that, Xing Hao said he wanted her number... so I made a deal/dare with him and ha, you'll know more soon.

So when went to the choir gallery to listen for the results, I saw her again and I told her, 'my friend wants your number' and omg Xing Hao asked for her number!

Then she ran to where he sat later on and passed him his phone which made everyone go like "oooo"!

Okay, back to SIBF.

Everyone was so scared and when the emcee was about to announce the fourth place, I was like expecting him to say, 'Maris...' but NO! The fourth place was like the Thailand band and then I was so happy cos that means we are third!

Then the third band was announced... I was expecting the emcee to say, "Maris..." but NO! He said the HK band and everyone was like WTFOMGBBQ?! at our amazing feat of 2nd place...

But somehow I was hoping for top band, so I was like squeezing Nic Wu's hands... and when the emcee announced 2nd, I really could envision him saying 'Maris...' but NO! He said ACS(I) which means that...

WE ARE TOP BAND!!!

I remembered we all started jumping and screaming... and I bet there are people who thought we were ACS(I) in which it's so weird to why we're screaming...

BUT WHATEVER! We are MARIS STELLA SYMPHONIC BAND ALUMNI and WE ARE TOP BAND!!!

And we sang the school song and the emcee was like giving that impatient body language but HECK IT!

I heard that Jia Wei and Saw and some others were like screaming and running around the holding room area and the security guard scolded them... lol.

So, with highness and happiness... Xing Hao hugged Evelyn! Xing Hao, you are a THREE-TIMER.

And honestly, doing all that with her doesn't prove me anything cos I took a photo with Evelyn too but does it mean I'm straight? No, I'm still gay!

So HA you are still a Three-timer.

Anyway, on our back to school, we saw the Assumption College and they were so friendly! They kept saying that we played very well and did that thumbs-up things... thank you!

Then, on the bus, we saw them again!

Then I did this sawadikap thing to one of the girls and she did it back to me. Oh yeah.

Anyway, went back to school and camwhored and just went crazy.

Wanted to eat with the others but was so tired and it was so late (like 12 45...) so I just went home.

And here I am.

What I want:
1) my photo with Evelyn!
2) photos taken at the band room!

I want to thank...

1) Mr. Chiang for really everything. Oh by the way, congratulations for your triple joy this year!

2) Mr. Lin for all the tuning issues and the BALL theory... I think we really did that ball thing!

3) Fredy. Because I love you. No I'm kidding, it's because you're Fredy.

4) Loo Kit, Ronny and Clement. I wouldn't know of a lot of things if not for you guys! Thank you!

5) Everyone else. We made that miracle, together.

So, yeah, 26th July, 2008. Unforgettable day.

And uh-uh-uh, we got the $10k!

=)

---

"I wanted to say 'I love you'
But I couldn't say 'I love you'
I felt that it was my biggest lie
And the truth"
Together When... - ayumi hamasaki

I have never said, "I love you" to you before... maybe except for the other time when I said, "daisukidayo" but heck you don't know what it meant.

Perhaps it was good this way.

this summer...

2008-07-25T13:07:00.004+08:00

"We ran through the road to the sea
Screaming with laughter innocently
In the far away summer days"
fairyland - ayumi hamasaki

---

This summer was the most beautiful summer that I ever had. By summer, I'm taking all the months that are considered summer in different countries, and have personally decided summer to be between May and July.

Yes, I felt that I had a lot of fun this summer. It makes me so exhilarated whenever I remember the happy and unhappy times that I had with him during these few months.

Because this summer was too beautiful, I don't wish to ruin it by being sad because it was over, or because I realized something else.

So, I wish to be happy and grateful for this summer, and all the events and memories that I have with him.

Even if these days might have been all lies, even if at the end of everything, he still hates me so much, even if I couldn't get to see him anymore...

At least I know what we did, and how happy we were, or at least I was.

Because of that, I don't think I can bring myself to be sad anymore. It's time to celebrate the beautiful memories of this summer!

And I will always love you until that day when my feelings fade away. And I will always be somewhere near you, though I hope you wouldn't know. And I will look at you from somewhere far, far away, and I hope you would never notice.

I know that you would be so much happier now. No one will be there to 'block' your view, no one will be there to make others speculate and humiliate you.

You really don't have to put up with anymore of these anymore.

This Saturday will be the start of my total disappearance from main band. Finally I can wake up at 9am on Saturday mornings!

But all of you can think that I'm very sad or emo but really, I'm not. Perhaps I might sometimes be but still, I know I'm happy to have the memories.

The memories with him.

This summer may have ended, but my love for you, and the memories from this summer, will not end.

---

"Today was very sad, and even if I were to cry tomorrow, someday the time will come that I can laugh and remember the times we had together."
SEASONS - ayumi hamasaki

~

Anyway, this week has just been hectic! Except for Tuesday, I have been returning at 10-12pm/am this whole week!

SIBF semi-finals was held yesterday and Maris Stella Alumni got its first silver. Sounds disappointing? Well sort of, since we're just 0.87% from a Gold.

But we're one of the Top 4 bands of the Open division, which means that we're into the Finals tomorrow! And again, finally, after tomorrow, I can take a good rest and study.

I think we have really shown everyone that we're on par with the overseas band.

Busy, busy, busy!

I hope I don't fall sick after all these because I really need to study.

And we're going to the Esplanade for the Finals! Ah, the Esplanade, the place of fond memories on the 15th April...

I'm really happy at everything!

Life's good!